I know I will live and die in this body that I hate with great disdain. I'm extremely hurt that I can never be a husband that can give children to my wife, of blood relation. Everytime I think about my future, a great shattering pain goes through me. I've never felt so much misery and hurt in my life, and I'm falling apart at the seams. I can't seem to find a reason to go on, and I already feel half dead. I have constant breakdowns that happen at weird times, so everyone knows in my family something is up. My mom is the most supportive one and really the only on that has a better understanding of what's bothering me. I over heard my parents talking and my mom saying at times I seem fine like nothing is bothering me. But the truth is everyday I'm hurting, it's just some days I'm better at blocking out the pain. Today I overheard my dad talking to my brother, saying that this thing with me, because I seem fine some days, is just me being psychological. In other words, he thinks I'm mental and crazy because of my identity crisis. Wrong, I'm going mental because I'm a man trapped in a woman's body. What I heard him say shook me up very badly inside. He knows I'm sure about my gender dysphoria, but seems to be in denial about it, because he rarely ever says I support you or accept. Mostly he just ignores it all, and same for my brother, who probably just thinks I'm crazy.
That was the main reason why I never told my parents or anyone else the truth about myself, I knew they would never get it. Consider yourself lucky because you know and accept where the problem is now, still being young . I spent three decades wandering lost and in the worst denial you can imagine, until a couple of years ago, when I started slowly being honest with myself (and this in my case took a lot of balls) To me even the idea of wearing men's clothes was forbidden, even if I found myself again taking a look at my father's clothing and shoes, just dying to try them out, and feeling doomed to lead the wrong life because I was born like this. Dying of envy when I saw a group of males training martial arts, and me there, just staring, knowing if I dared to join them they would laugh at me, that tiny-looking mouse... Just that little girl. I'm not over it yet, and in a way I'm just like you even at my age. I feel the same dispair, the same impotency, and sometimes even anger, specially at work, where we are all male, yet I'm the only one who gets the name "girl" or "lady" from time to time... (And earns less money, of course) You won't have to endure your parent's problems forever, you know. Keep being aware that it's only their fears, when they say you are deranged, they are afraid of the truth, that's all. Focus on your school and in getting financially independent as soon as possible. Also take good care of your friends. You need allies at your side, not people that doesn't have a clue about you. Be aware that it can take years for parents to understand that his son is trans. (*hug*)
