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Expressing less feminine

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by quietisviolent, Nov 24, 2014.

  1. Heyhey! I've got a question for you again, and I'd appreciate your advice a lot.

    I've been starting to question my gender identity as some of you might have noticed, and with that I began to start questioning my gender expression. I know it's not the same but I'd like to try to express myself the way I identify.
    Since I'm identifying as demigender, I'm going to try to express myself less feminine, or maybe even more masculine. The problem is: I don't know how to do so. I don't mean clothes only but also the way I walk, talk, stand, sit, act and so on.
    A friend of mine said he would like to go shopping with me, so it would be less awkward for me to take a look at the men's section. I appreciate this very much and I certainly want to try, but I have no clue what kind of clothes would fit me and wouldn't look weird on me. Has any of you have an idea or some advice on what I should look at?
    For the 'behaviour'-part (I wouldn't know how to call it otherwise), I really have no clue how I could act less feminine. I tried to analyse the way boys act (and walk and sit and everything) and mix it with the way girls act, but it makes me look uncomfortable, and so it feels.

    So my question is: how can I express myself less feminine without looking awkward?

    Thanks! (*hug*)
     
  2. jay777

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    Your behaviour should change with how you feel inside.

    You might think about unisex clothing...
    maybe baggy trousers, and sweaters one or two sizes bigger...
    hoodies ? :slight_smile:

    less feminine shows in voice, for example... men speak more monotone, use fewer words and are more direct...

    if you have long hair, you might make a ponytail, for example...
     
  3. Thanks for replying!

    I will take a look at unisex clothing. I already wear bandmerch sometimes, and that's usually unisex. But besides that, it's difficult to find unisex clothing, since I don't like buying clothes from the internet, and most shops (in my area at least) don't have unisex clothing.

    I've been focussing on behaviour a lot lately. I've been comparing men's behaviour to women's behaviour and trying to see if there's something I would like to do or something. But I can't really find any ways to express myself both feminine and masculine and I don't know where to put my focus at. So if there's anything you think I could focus on, please tell me.

    And by the way, my hair's short :wink:

    Thanks!
     
  4. jay777

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  5. IJustWantToLove

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    I agree with jay777, don't put on an act, just behave the way you are and the way you feel comfortable. And be confident in it.
    If you really wanna hear something specific, I guess walk purposefully, don't cross your legs when sitting but sit with your legs open, stand with your weight on both legs I guess, don't put your hands on your hips but rather in your pockets or something. I don't know really, just do what you wanna do. :shrug:

    For clothing, I don't know your style, so I have no idea what clothes you should go for. As for sizing, have a look at sizing charts beforehand and do some measuring before you go shopping, that helps. Btw, really cool that your friend offered to go with you :thumbsup:
    When I shop in the men's section its usually v-necks in solid colors, loose fitting jeans, hoodies or hooded jackets. Oh yeah, and boxers, big confidence boost :icon_bigg Shoes make a huge difference, too, in my opinion, men's shoes just seem - hmm - simpler and more unflashy. A change in accessory can make a difference, too, I guess. Bigger watches (but fitting for your wrist), rougher bracelets, (fake) plugs instead of sparkly earrings, backpack instead of purse, maybe wallet in your backpocket instead of, well, the purse...

    I don't know if all that is considered masculine or not, it's just what I do and I don't feel very feminine... Maybe you can take something from that. You'll find your style and you'll find out which clothes suit you, just as much as you'll notice which behaviour feels authentic for you =)
     
  6. Thank you both for your adivice!

    Today I'm most likely to go shopping on my own, so maybe I will take a look at the mens section. I think I will be too scared of anyone seeing me, so I don't think it will work, but I can try at least.

    Your advice has really helped me. By clicking on the link jay777 send, I was able to find more useful articles. What IJustWantToLove said has also helped me, because I hadn't thought about certain things before. For example I never thought about a purse or accessory in terms of them being feminine. So thanks!

    Yesterday I told my psychologist, but I don't think she really understood what I was saying. She didn't understand things like 'agender' or 'non-binary', so it's really hard to talk about that to her. I don't know if I should try to explain it again next time.

    Anyway thanks!
     
  7. IJustWantToLove

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    Don't think too much about anyone seeing you and stuff. First of all, nobody knows you're looking for yourself, could be for boyfriend, brother, etc. And you don't have to try it on in the store, but take it home and return if it doesn't fit. Not as practical, but way easier in my opinion...
    And second, even if someone sees you, they most probably won't care :slight_smile:
    I know it's nervwrecking at the beginning, but it's really nobodies business. Just have fun shopping and good luck for finding stuff you like :slight_smile:
    Maybe you could let us know afterwards how it went, if you want to :slight_smile:
     
  8. I will tell you how it went because it went horrible. I didn't dare to even look at the mens section and I tried to find some neutral or boyish clothes at the womens section but it resulted into me half crying when trying something on.

    But for some reason I wasn't really sad, only a little disappointed. I expected that I would not be able to go to the mens section because I was too scared, so at least it went as I had expected.

    I hope to be able to go back to the stores again really soon (which I most likely will within 2, maybe 3 weeks) but I hope my friend will have time to go with me. I think it will still be hard for me, but at least I won't feel as awkward, uncomfortable and scared as today, I hope.

    If anyone thinks there's something I could do to make me feel less scared, I would love to have your advice.

    Thanks!
     
  9. JustJJx

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    So sorry pal :frowning2: *hugs*
    But you were so brave getting that far, you can't rush these things!! Take your time and try again soon, or buy online maybe? :slight_smile:
     
  10. Michael

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    I felt the same like you, at the beginning felt awful, but then later you notice that nobody cares. Most of men simply go, pick what they like, pay and then go... It is like that, believe me.

    You are free to buy whatever you want. You could also think you are buying them for someone else, and if someone asks, then you tell them that : It's for a boyfriend, or your little brother, or whatever...

    They won't ask anyways, trust me.

    Another thing that could help is to be aware that you are a man buying man's clothing. There is nothing wrong about that. Do you think a man would feel afraid of it?

    Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  11. IJustWantToLove

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    Sorry to hear that, next time will be better, don't get discouraged. Like the others said, too, it gets easier with time.
    It was hard for me in the beginning, too. That feeling of suddenly having all eyes on me. But really no one cares and all that anxiety was just for nothing really. I was like you, didn't even dare to go into the men's section. I guess just keep trying. You know, you could start out with going for unisex stuff in the men's section. Like plain t-shirts or hoodies or zip hoodies, if that's your style. Because those are items that don't scream "masculinity" all over, if you know what I mean.
    Basically, don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable. If you don't feel like it, just don't do it and then if you're out and you notice you're up for itand you feel like doing it, do it.

    The only tips that come to mind (other than pretending it's for someone else) would be
    - go to a store that has clearly seperated sections, like a whole floor just for guys (in my experience it's harder to go there, but in the end it's kinda easier 'cause most guys don't give a crap who's shopping beside them, and the section is obstructed from view of anyone who doesn't shop there themselves)
    - go to a store where the sections run into each other (seems contradictory to the first suggestion, but this way you could casually stroll into the men's section while browsing
    - go at a time when only few people shop (if you can, like early in the morning during the week or something)
    - listen to music on headphones. When I have headphones in I kinda zone out and don't bother much for the world around me. If you're anything like me in this regard, that's perfect for just caring for your shopping and not giving a crap about the people around you...
     
  12. jay777

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    Many have suggested thrift shops... often articles are easy to just grab and try on...
     
  13. First of all, thank you so, so much. It really helps me to know you’ve been through the same thing as I am now. Your advice and support help me a lot!

    I just want to make clear that I do not really want to be a man, I just want to express myself less feminine and try on men’s clothes.


    Thank you so much! I will try it again some time, I know it takes more time than this. Also I don’t usually buy stuff online because I want to try things on and feel them and see them before I buy them. But it was a great suggestion. Thanks!


    Thank you so much! As I said earlier, I don’t want to be a man, because I don’t feel like I am. But although I could pretend it’s not for me, I still find it scary. I will keep this in mind when I go shopping next time. Thanks!


    Thank you so much! These are great tips. I don’t think I will be able to go shopping in the men’s section on my own, because I feel like e v e r y o n e is watching me, even though I know they aren’t. I hope my friend will go with me soon. The tip about listening to music on headphones might be a really good one, because I won’t notice what’s happening around me. The other tips were great as well. Thanks!


    Thank you so much! I don’t usually go to thrift shops, but it might be good to try. It might be easier, and it’s cheap so it won’t matter if it doesn’t fit or if I don’t like it later. Thanks!


    Thank you all a lot for your comments and advice! If there are any more tips I’d love to hear them. I’ll keep you updated when I go shopping again.

    (*hug*)
     
  14. Etak

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    I used to be so afraid of being different, and being judged. Now, I fly through the men's department strutting in front of mirrors and talking about how fkin sexy I look in button downs. What I'm trying to say is that it takes time. Just realize that even if the people around you judge, you're probably never going to see them again, so it doesn't really matter. Chances are, they won't notice or care. By the way, a lot of women shop in the men's department for their husbands or boyfriends. So you wouldn't look out of place at all.

    Good luck to you.
     
  15. Thank you so much! It really encourages me to see I'm not the only one going through this. I hope it will be easier next time. My friend and I will most likely be visiting the city somewhere during the Christmas holidays and I'm scared but excited. I know he will help me get through the scary part, so that makes it less stressfull to me.

    Thanks for responding, I know it will take time and I will give myself all the time I need.
     
  16. I'll give y'all a quick update on my life, if you'd like to know.

    So basically:
    - My psychologist still doesn't really understand and I haven't really had the chance to explain it better to her.
    - I am most likely going to shop with that friend of mine next week monday, and I'm still looking forward to it
    - I am trying to worry about everything a little less because I was worrying too much and that wasn't good for me (that's why I also took kind of a break from EC)
    - I don't know how to talk to my parents about being female but wanting to express more masculine but I feel like I need to before monday next week

    Any advice? Thanks!
     
  17. jay777

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  18. Thank you so much! I already used the second article to explain it to some of my friends, but since I'm not in an English-speaking country, it's difficult for me to translate it, but that's not the biggest problem. It's more like she doesn't want to learn anything, or it looks like it. I tried to explain it but the only thing her mind could picture was 'androgynous', something like 'agender' just didn't fit in her mind, it seemed. It's really difficult to explain for me, since I don't easily talk about my feelings and I'm still trying to figure everything out. I feel like I need the help of my psychologist, but she won't really listen or try to understand. It's hard.
     
  19. jay777

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  20. Thank you! I will take a look at that one :slight_smile: