You can call me Terra. I need help or guidance or something. I'm 25 years old. I was born a male, and live mostly as a male. When i was about 12 years old i started crossdressing, and by my 20's I began to feel that I want really a man inside. A couple years ago I even went so far as to tell many of my closest friends of the way I felt and my intentions to undergo a sex change. I even got so far as contacting a gender therapist to see what i needed to do to begin my transition, but because of financial issues i have yet to be able to speak to a therapist or begin transition in anyway, or be able to afford what I believe i need to "pass" as a woman in society. So I continue my life as a male, but until recently I've pretty much been resolved to eventually become a woman on the outside. Then it gets complicated. A little over a year ago I was introduced into my young daughters life. She was 3 at the time, and me and her mother were good friends, are good friends, but we were/are not in a romantic relationship. At the time i was in a relationship with a different woman, one that accepted me for who i was as transgender, and was more than supportive. The mother of my child was maybe less supportive, to the point where she accepted it and wanted me to be happy, but at the same time was also understandeably worried about how my lifestyle/transition would affect our child. Not to say she thinks transexuality is a bad thing, or that it would affect my parenting, just that she didn't want our child to become confused if one day I was daddy and then all of a sudden I became a second mommy. Anyway the real trouble started a month or two ago when the woman I was with decided she no longer wanted to be in a romantic relationship with me. This caused me to spiral into a moderate depression as I struggled to maintain my sense of self worth, while at the same time trying to stay friends with her, god only knows why, and it's not like we hate each other, but at first it was hard for me to be around her without getting lovesick. That particular situation has improved, but now I am faced with a different, but not altogether new, challenge. That is that since my breakup, and with the mother of my child being single, we both have started wondering if we should getc back together, not only for the sake of our child, but because we really do love each other in the true sense, and could easily make a life together. The only stipulations are first off on her part, struggling with past abuse and finding it difficult to be in love with or trust anyone, and of course the reason we weren't together in the first place was because she found other men more physically attractive than myself, even tho, as she puts it, she knows I'll take care of her and treat her like a princess. Then on my part, the biggest problem is that the mother of my child has absolutely no romantic/sexual attraction to women, beyond jokingly referring to her best girlfriends as her "wives." So the problem is this: I am madly in love with this woman. I honestly have been for the last like 8 years, and having a child with her is a wonderful thing. Our child is beautiful and we work so well together as parents, and i would love nothing more than for us to just be together with all the love we have and for us to be a family. Except for the one thing standing in the way of that. I still feel feminine. I still look at women's clothes as I pass by in the store and wonder how I would look in them. I still look at other women, and the first thing that comes to mind is "those clothes are so cute I want them!" Or "god I wish I had a body like that." I still have a full bottle of supplements I bought online that are supposed to increase brest size, and I've already had small, but noticeable (to me anyway) results, but I'm afraid to start taking them again, even though seeing even this little increase in breast size and improvement of shape makes me happy and excited. I still have dreams, more often than not, where I'm trying on women's clothing in a store, or raiding somebody's closet, or like last night where i had a secret pact with a girl to wax my whole body, do my hair, and make me up to be a beautiful woman. I'm just so conflicted, and its getting worse everyday day because now the mother of my child is showing signs that she wants to be in an actual relationship with me, and that would make me so happy, but everytime I think about it I remember who I am, how I feel inside, and i remember that yes I want to be a family with hee but my desire to be female is also real, but there's no real chance that she will be with me or stay with me if i start living as a woman. Half of me is ready to settle down and make this a real family, but the other half of me, even though my daughter is the light of my life and I could never leave her, the other half of me just wants to throw it all away, move far far away, and start a new life and see if I can actually make it so no one knows that I was born male. Sorry for the long winded life story, but I'm just so lost and I have no idea what to do
First, Welcome to EC! Secondly, I have no doubt that this is a very difficult position to be in. The important thing to remember about children is that they are far more open in their way of thinking than mature youth or adults. It is no different than how children of same-sex parents almost never experience longing for a parent of the absent sex until the rest of the society convinces them that they have been missing out on some valuable experience. At the end of the day, children wish nothing more than to live in a household that is authentic in its love and happiness. Denying your true self in order to make this relationship work would likely still mean that she would be surrounded by authentic love, but happiness? Not so much. It sounds as though you both have plenty of love and care for one another; however, it doesn't seem that you are in-love with one another. The difference between those two states of emotion are vital to the possibility of beginning a romantic relationship. I would assure her that, while you will always be there for you daughter, comprising your true identity for the sake of this relationship will only cause you to resent it. Mommy and Daddy are merely artificial terms and concepts. That child loves you. You as you are and you as you will always be. We don't give children enough credit for how understanding and adaptable they are than the vast majority of us.
Thank you for your thorough and insightful advice. The only thing i have to say is that I am most certainly in love with her, but that doesn't change the fact that I am song am important part of myself aside for her. ---------- Post added 26th Nov 2014 at 01:00 AM ---------- And right now I'm at this point where even if i decode to be myself, I'll still be unhappy because i won't be with her
It will feel that way now and it will probably feel that way for a long time; however, there is always an opportunity for us to move on and love again when it comes to romance and relationships. We don't get that luxury with ourselves. The person that we are is the person that we have to embrace. Otherwise, we will never truly be happy. It will absolutely be rough on an emotional level for the next period in your life, but you will recover and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
