A few questions.

You might be genderfluid? Sliding between genders like me *hugs*
Any local LGBT support groups you can go to?

 

So it sounds to me like you want to be a girl, but at the same time there's a lot of boy stuff you don't want to leave behind. I'd also label that as genderfluid, I'm the same way c:

If that's not it, then my second guess would be that you want to be a more tomboy-ish girl, so that you can wear pants and baggy stuff a lot, but still wear more girly clothes when you want.

 

Sounds to me like you're a girl who isn't hugely feminine all the time to me, but only you can figure this stuff out.

 

That is what it sounds like to me as well. That is actually how I feel. And I could relate quite a bit to your post.

 

Have you thought about surgery and hormones? When I was your age I felt kinda the same, although opposite genders. I decided then that I definitely don't want any surgery, which is why I chose the genderqueer label.

 

I think fears and concerns are normal. "I'm a girl" and "I need SRS" are two different things. They're both true for me but I have met plenty of us that is not true for.

It sounds like you're telling us you need more time to think about this stuff? Or you have made up your mind and are just a little nervous? Either way you're 17, you have already went through one kind of puberty. You have as much time as you need. Don't believe the people that say you can't transition successfully if you are older. I have met people older than myself that transition very successfully. I started hormones at the beginning of this year and I'm turning 34 in a few weeks. And I have experienced "boyfail" (dressed as a boy, called "ma'am") more and more often lately myself.

You know you have a need to be a woman. You know fear of judgement is holding you back. So maybe imagine what you would do if you weren't afraid? What day to day - or even an ideal day - would be for you? Maybe what else you want out of life - husband / wife, seeing some "bucket list" places, starting a business, going to college, whatever, it's yours? And how transition would fit into that. Like me, I can't have an honest, close, and yeah I'm a grown up who is going to be with someone that long, sexual relationship with anyone at all unless we're both women. Not fighting myself constantly also enabled me to get my degree in computer engineering, I am so glad I came out senior year. Stuff like that.

This is all about you, who you want to be, who you need to be, to live and be there for anyone depending on you.

If it's the social thing, I think the best way to get past that is just to do things that are socially unusual - I started small, obviously mismatched socks - and then just see how little other people actually care. When they do stare, you notice how little that matters too. All they can do is stare, it doesn't affect anything. Most people are cool, even if I do get "clocked" (meaning people can tell I used to live life as a guy).

 

You sound a lot like me! Although I'm the other way around, I'm AFAB but I feel like I swing in between 'male' and 'eh' a lot. I'm still questioning, but I like the label Genderqueer right now because I don't have to fit any particular box with it.

I'd recommend just thinking about what kind of actions you'd want to take with it? (e.g. clothing, being 'out', hormones, surgery) Figuring out what would fit you the best and what you're the most comfortable with might also lead to having a better idea on how you fit in the spectrum. You obviously don't need to want these things to be trans, but I feel like it helps when you know your own opinions on them and what you would want to achieve with any of them.

Also I like to tell myself it's okay to question and experiment with my gender identity and expression. Don't be afraid to take your time trying stuff out before putting labels on yourself.

Good luck!