Hi, I just joined this site and am hoping this will be able to clear out a few things for me (because all the articles and threads i read so far have only kind of confused me even more.... I am really really lost and confused....) I'll try to keep it as straight to the point as possible but i'm so confused and this goes so way back so it won't be that short... sorry... I am a 23 year old girl... Most of my friends are guys, since forever, I've always found I get along with guys better than girls, guys seem to find me cooler than girls do too... Infact, ( I dont remember this, but i've been told by several family members) when i was really young... like 3-4 years old, apparently i wanted to "be a boy when i grew up" and my mom had to explain to me that things didn't work like that, i thought becoming a guy was as light as saying i wanted to be an astronaut... I guess that went away fast since i don't really remember it... But I do remember as a child "guy toys/games" were more appealing to me than what the girls my age were doing... and i guess that is still very true... later in elementary school I had crushes on guys and got rejected many times because i was like "a boy" and when people would call me a tomboy i'd flip out because... I did ballet, irish dancing and figure skating and wore makeup before most girls and didn't understand why guys didn't find me attractive... In high school this changed, i had any boyfriends, guys liked me a lot because i was different and supposedly more fun than "normal" girls... and though i felt fine, i always had a little frustration when id get compared to "normal girls" because i never understood why i wasn't considered a normal girl... In my circle of friends I was the only girl for a while and was always considered one of the guys to them... To be honest, I love being a girl and would never want to be a guy but I realize that in the past few years as many girls as guys hit on me when i go out... though I am flattered by girls finding me attractive it kind of makes me uncomfortable.. but recently I realized a few things and i don't know if they are just in my head or if they are indicators that i may not be as straight as i thought I was... ? Strangely... most of the guys i've gone out with (the more serious relationships) ended up realizing they were gay not too long after our relationship... I recently just got out of a 4 year relationship with a guy I was sure i'd marry... we still loved each other when we broke up but we both knew something wasn't quite working out and that we had to leave each other, I saw him a few days ago and he told me he just came out of the closet.... so... it just happened again... he knew me really well and when he came out he asked me if i had similar questioning and i said no... but the truth is yes... but im too confused to be able to say what I am... Though most of my friends are guys, my BEST friends are all girls... girls i barely ever see but have a really close relation with and deeply love... I also realized these few girls are all very pretty girls, super into fashion and a bunch of girly stuff i dont really like so much... what brings us close is things we've gone through, etc. Everywhere i go, I end up befriending every singe guy, and like ONE girl, and always the prettiest girl there... and end up being really really close to them... In high school and cegep my mother has asked me several times if I was alesbian... and every time i flipped out saying of course i'm not cuz it was obvious to me I wasn't... but almost everyone my mom became friends with since she moved here are gay guys and girls so now i'm wondering if maybe she sees something I couldn't see... and a lot of the people in my entourage are artists, especially cinema and theatre so a lot of them are too so this has only confused me more... My best friend and I seem pretty gay together i'm not going to lie, we hold hands, cuddle and spoon when we sleep in the same bed lol and to me this never meant anything other than the fact we're really close... I never imagined anything sexual ever happening with any of my girl friends, but I find them beautiful and honestly when i'm with them i feel so good... this one in perticular. When something is wrong and she hugs me, i actually get butterflies... right now she isn't in the country and won't be for a few years and I cry about it all the time... but she's always been in and out of the country, this isn't anything new and now randomly it really really affects me I can't seem to be able to handle it at all... and i know my ex-boyfriend was always extremely jealous of her whenever she would be in town and always really suspicious of us doing things together.. though it never even crossed our minds (or at least, it never crossed my mind....) I've always found her extremely attractive though... even more than my other girl friends... I have a bond with her like no other person and I think i really really love her... the more I think of it the more obvious it is that I am totally in love with her, because even in that 4 year relationship where i was completely in love, i never have loved anyone as deeply as i love her... but I can't picture us having a sexual relationship ... I guess this could be because i've never considered it before so it's new and weird to me... or maybe that i'm just not and am just confused... I am still very attracted to men, that is for sure I am definitely not a lesbian, but maybe i am bisexual because being in her arms seems to be where i feel the best? What confuses me is that i AM really attracted to certain girls, but when i close my eyes i can't picture myself having a full out sexual relationship with a girl... but if i picture one kissing me on the neck i feel all warm inside... it is really confusing... I don't know if i am letting other peoples opinion of me get inside my head or if i really am... Has anyone ever felt this way ?? If anyone could help me clear this out a bit, it would really help me... because i am really lost right now... Thanks -JJ
