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Who am I? Help me out

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Vanovic, Nov 29, 2014.

  1. Vanovic

    Regular Member

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    I'm a 32 year old man but as a kid I always wanted to wear my mom's high heels, her party dresses. At family parties I came up with excuses to dress up like a woman: I sang Madonna songs, dressed up like Madonna,....
    I noticed my family hated me for that. They came over to me and asked me to stop it, otherwise I'd get punished. So when I got to high school I stopped doing that. When I was 18 I thought I was gay,started going to gay and lesbian parties, had sex with guys, but it's never been really satisfying. For some reason I tend to fall in love with straight man and in my dreams and fantasies I have sex with them as a woman. Whenever someone tells me: that man is straight, forget him, I think: why can't I be his girl? Just watching movies I always think: I want to be that girl falling in love with that man.

    But then I get this reality check. Most people say: you'll find a gay man looking straight and he'll love you but I'm not sure if that's what I want. It surely doesn't feel right. When I think of women having a vagina and having a man inside of them, I constantly think in a frustrated way that it's a sensation I'll never feel.

    On the other hand: I'm very tall, I have a low voice, a typical male body and then I think: I shouldn't even think about sex changes as I'd look like a total joke.
    I haven't had sex with anyone in twelve years just because I can't. Also the thought of having surgery, not knowing about the outcome, the reactions,.....is scaring me.

    I google a lot of transgender stories and when I see that transition I think like: wow, it's possible but I don't have the guts to do it. In a way I'm jealous that those people can be women and live a life like women.
     
  2. Michael

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Nothing wrong with it. I grew up wanting to be like my male idols, and I even went as far as cutting my hair when I was a kid.

    I identify with you, but change the gender : I wanted to be the guy that at the end of the movie got the blonde at his side (also seducing her with flowers, etc... Not the other way around)

    This is an intimate desire you have, and it won't go away. Whatever you do, never try to "compromise" : You'll end up hurting the other person and yourself. It happened to me over and over again, as I tried to "become" a female and "play my part".
    To lie about yourself is unfair for both parties, and it only causes pain. I've been there so many times I lost count, and I regret it.

    Again, this is me... I have no idea how advanced is the surgery for women nowadays, and the question of what I'd feel as a man matters a lot to me. I even went as far as trying not to think about it, afraid of wanting it and being dissapointed at the end. Now I'm beginning to think this is not an option anymore : Trying to fake being someone I'm not has damaged me, and everyone that comes closer to me. Since I had the guts to be honest, my life has changed for the best.
    Sure you've got new problems, but at least you have a real peace of mind, and you get to love and forgive yourself. Also you'll get loved for who you really are, and that is priceless, you know.

    This has crossed my mind too. Check some transwomen out there. You won't believe your own eyes. I know for a fact I won't look like my ideal of male beauty (see my avatar), but I'd rather be an ugly, short and unmanly looking male, than an unhappy, neurotic and deranged Marilyn Monroe, which by the way has only given me troubles inside and outside : It wasn't for me because it wasn't me, period.
    The question is not "what if it fails?", the question is "how will I feel If it goes right?" You can't know until you try. There is also de-transitioning, not all changes are permanent.

    This is normal. It's not like you have to go through surgery right now to prove anything. Go step by step, try wearing women's clothes, go shopping... Feel free to explore, to ask questions around... As I've said I feel much happier since I've started my trip. I can't tell you how it will end, all I know is that I'm feeling such happiness, such peace of mind like I never felt before, and I think it's worth it, 'cause after all it's my life and I only have this chance to happiness.

    I'll be around if you need to talk. You are not on your own, and you are not the only one. It would be nice if we had the chance to exchange the experience, at least for one day. Can't stand my own voice...
    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  3. laut

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    From what you've written there, you're a 32 year old woman.

    No matter what your body looks like, it's what you are. And never underestimate what transition can do for you, if you're patient. It's dysphoria that says 'it's not even worth trying'

    It might help you to start getting involved with whatever local transgender community there is where you live, it's definitely helped me.
     
  4. Vanovic

    Regular Member

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    Thank you

    I'm a bit stunned that you're all claiming there's no doubt about me being transgender.
    It's just something crossing my mind from time to time but there are days I think: I'm a tall and strong man and I'm proud of that.
    Last week I learnt about Michael Phelps having had a relationship with a transgender woman and I thought: he's a man loving women and men loving women are the kind of men I like.
    I created a dating profile with a blurry pic of me dressed up like a woman, wearing a wig, it looked better than it was and chatting with straight men felt good. Once I felt we had a great chat I told them the truth and they all thought I was a disgusting freak. It also feels like most straight men would never fall for a woman having been a man before.