Hi everyone I don't know how most people here started out, but my mental changes and realisations feel very sudden. It was literally overnight*. I had trouble sleeping due to gender-related thoughts racing through my head half the night, and a dream where I was overwhelmed by a giant tsunami wave that had washed over a hill. The next day I found EC, signed up, and felt incredibly positive. I felt warm inside with actual butterflies in my stomach, and knots in my back were untwisting themselves. Finally, I was getting somewhere! I was so happy that I'd made some kind of personal breakthrough and was on a path to growth and self-acceptance as a male who just happens to feels quite feminine inside. The self-hatred was melting away, and my entire personal history seemed to 'click' and make more sense. The last few days have been filled with a lot of introspective writing, walking, and deep breathing like I'm struggling to stop the emotions from pouring out. Now, just a few days later, stress and uncertainty has crept back in. It's like parts of me are saying: “OK, so you’re feeling a bit girly? That’s so pathetic. You’re making a mockery of people with real issues, like gays. Your made-up issues are smaller and less significant.” "You basically knew all of this anyway. You've always been feminine, and others don't like it. It's an alpha-male world so act like one." "Quit your bull**. This hypochondria fantasy is just projection so you can point the finger of blame and say ‘I found out what’s wrong with me’”. On top of that I feel worried that tomorrow or next week I’ll be like “phew, I’m not feeling so girly today. Well, that was embarrassing! Gotta cut down on all dem drugs and alcohol! I should pull myself together and stop being such a drama queen.” This one scares me a little because I don't want to go back! I don't want to keep hating myself, or being afraid of somehow expressing myself. Even if I'm not too hard on myself for going off the gender rails, I feel afraid that I'll quietly slip back into old habits. I'll keep up the manly facade, staying in the closet so to speak. I guess this thread could also fit in the coming out advice section, but at the moment I'm interested in what general thoughts people have in response. Does this sound familiar to what you experienced or are experiencing? *Just to elaborate, I think the process of self-discovery has been ongoing. For instance I've been a bit curious with friendships outside of the binary male/female norm for years. I knew that I was going through some self-discovery but it still caught me off-guard.
I went through that same emotional roller coster last year. In a lot of ways I'm still on it. If you'd like to experiment here, you can try out different pronouns on EC, and we'll all be as supportive as we can. You could also try doing little, subtle things to express yourself IRL. For example, get a unisex ring or necklace and see how you feel wearing it. Wear it when you feel like expressing your femininity or want a courage boost. Give yourself time. Take a deep breath and move forward one day at a time. How feminine/masculine/etc do you feel today? For now, just focus on that. Do the same tomorrow and the day after, and maybe invest in a journal to clear your thoughts in before going to sleep at night. Each time you feel shame or frustration about questioning your identity, thank yourself. Because those thoughts are what have kept you safe and well through childhood and carried over into adulthood. They may not be benefitting you any more, but meeting negativity with negativity will only make you feel more worse, and those thoughts are proof of just how well you've adapted to the environment you live in. I think that's pretty impressive. Stay active. All the anxiety and stress that your feeling from thinking about your gender identity, expression, and possible social repercussions has a physiological response, and going on a run, swimming, dancing, tennis, all those things are effective ways to channel and get rid of the nervous energy and stress. Read some of the posts here, and ask whatever comes to mind! You've found a really cool place.
Thanks people It seems to be an overwhelming personal growth or quarter-life crisis thing for me. Regarding physical activity, swimming is really helping with the tension. On the other hand, I used to be great with cardio, doing a bit of sports, running and very energetic cycling. Now, blindly stumbling onward, I'm taking it easy. For some reason I've stopped drinking coffee. I'd use caffeine to constantly self-medicate, ramping up the adrenaline nearly every day. It would numb those awkward feelings of femininity and vulnerability. But cutting it out is really helping me stay calm while I sort myself out.
That's great to hear There's no rush, so take your time. It sounds like you're taking really good care of yourself which is awesome to hear!
Its literally one day at a time, the doubts don't really go away but it does get a little easier as time goes by. I went through the exact same thing when I first confronted myself about what was going on inside me. It can get a lot worse when you do but ultimately I think it turns out for the better. I don't know to be honest, I'm still struggling, but I'm not suicidal anymore and I feel like my life is finally moving in the right direction. One of the biggest things that helped me was just to have a few mantras, one of them was just to tell myself on repeat "I'm not a guy". The other thing that really helped was to have a few strong role models in my head who I could turn to for support. I find I identify best with tomboyish girls now and thankfully there's some good masculine kinda girl role models around now.
