1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

When you come to that point in your life...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Raatox, Dec 3, 2014.

  1. Raatox

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2014
    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Sweden
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    ...when you realize that this isn't gonna work. That you can't pretend any more. That you can't live with not wanting to live.

    I've tried for so long, then I realized that itchy, crappy dirtbag inside was dysphoria and then I tried another few months, but. it. just. don't. work.
    I can't live as a girl. I will either go mad, jump out of a window or dig myself under a stone.

    But, shit, I'm so affraid. mainly beccause of my family. they don't accept it. they don't understand. it will break their hearts.
    I'm so godamn scared.

    How do you find the courage?
     
  2. BradThePug

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    6,573
    Likes Received:
    288
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    For me, it came down to the decision of if I wanted to live for myself, or if I wanted to live for others. Since you say that your family is not accepting, I would make sure that you are stable before you come out.

    You can always hope that with time they will come around and be more supportive. Sometimes people come around when they learn that somebody in their family is transgender.
     
  3. Porter

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2014
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ontario
    Out Status:
    A few people
    That's one of my biggest fears too. I'm really not anticipating coming out to my family well. It feels like they'll deny it and I'll disappoint them and all they've ever perceived me as.

    I think being independent from them puts a lot of pressure off your chest (I'm planning on telling them after I move out and become somewhat financially stable), as well as having a really supportive network of friends to fall back on. Anything it takes that doesn't make you feel quite as isolated from the world.
     
  4. Daydreamer1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2011
    Messages:
    5,680
    Likes Received:
    21
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    For me, it was when I became heavily suicidal and my body was putting me in panic attack like states, as if I was in a cage that was closing in around me.
     
  5. Raatox

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2014
    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Sweden
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Brad and POrter: Thing is, I have told them that I am transgender. But I don't really think they believe me or understand it, the just blame me for acting strange. And, I might not have been the smoothest in the world when I came out either. And I guess that they don't exactly want to understand either. But that was the reason that I tried beeing a girl again, but, as said, I can't live like that.
    It's like five years since I moved out, and I live like 4 hours away from them, so that is basically not a problem. I just don't want them to be sad and/or angry...
     
  6. wasgij

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2014
    Messages:
    191
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Polska
    So I guess they'll be like "we've always known that you could be so tomboyish, but now you're just rubbing salt in our wounds. Can't you see that we're trying to live vicariously through you? Stop fucking up our dream and hurry up and get married and give us some grandchildren like you're supposed to!"

    It's a 'family' world, a self-reinforcing cesspool of fairytale bigotry, and there's always going to be a tendency for mothers and fathers to self-righteously "guide" their children in following the "correct" programme, which is breeding like they and all of their ancestors did. Even the ultimate super-parents who try to be liberal and understanding, can't help but lead by example by living their preferred lifestyle.

    I guess I'm at an angry stage with my own parents at the moment, and there's no way that I'd attempt to discuss gender stuff with them, like one mature adult to another. I had the same thing for most of my life where I'd work hard to keep them happy because of my internal feelings of fear and insecurity. It was just automatic. And you know how it is with kids who try to please their parents? They're just adorable, right? The parents are happy. The child is happy that his parents are happy. Everyone's happy! Except that that's a complete lie and it's a dysfunctional situation.
     
  7. Raatox

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2014
    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Sweden
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Thank you wasgij, that was really Spot On! But I dont know what to to about it, and that sucks....

    But thing is, It doesnt really matter any more. I rather live one week as a man than 60 more years in this f*cking limbo. I am a man and I want to be percieved as one. I want that beard and muscels and stuff that I always wished for, I want People to see me as me.

    Im planning to ask People to change name and pronouns this weekend....


    But it freaks me out. I'm scared and dysfunctional and as the same time as I'm happy...
    I dont know really, I just need to vent a bit...
     
  8. Porter

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2014
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ontario
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Ah, yeah I get that. My dad's the sweetest old guy but he doesn't even know what a transgender person is. Even after I tried explaining it to him. Multiple times.

    I congratulate you on starting to publicly present as male, though! I wish you the best luck, and hey, maybe as time progresses and you start feeling comfortable presenting as male, you can get more confident in your identity/presentation and more confident coming out to them.

    Either way, venting helps and I'm always willing to lend an ear. :slight_smile: Maybe try showing them/sending them an informational video or documentary about it? Compromise about getting a gender therapist so they get a professional opinion about it?