Finally I made it. Finally the day is here. In just a few hours I'll be in front of someone who will ask me "what were your questions about gender identity?" I stayed up all night. I'm not sleeping, 'cause I'm afraid this is self-sabottage thing... I've been there before, I know how cruel I can be to myself. Self-sabottage. Or fear. Or whatever. I hate feeling this vulnerable, this scared, this not-me... I'm sick of feeling scared of the reaction of somebody else... I don't think this is going to work. I have the guts, and I know who I am finally, I know where the problem is, but I don't have the money and I'm going to fight like a lion all the way through psychologists... More people who will tell me that I'm the problem, that I need to be fixed, whatever... I apologize for being a drama queen, but this shit is for real, this is making me wanting to destroy this room right now, and shout, above all I want, I need to shout... I don't want to self harm, I want to bite and punch and kick and destroy... This is not going to work... Nothing is going to work... Maybe I should just let it go. Maybe it's just another waste of time and energy. Maybe there is a guy waiting there for me with a straight jacket and I'll end up way worse than right now. Sorry, this is just too much...
Ok, sorry I freaked out... Having my cup of coffee now... I'll let you know if it went well, and most probably it'll go ok, I just been wondering and wishing for a long time to talk RL with someone who understands this, someone who has seen someone like me before, someone who maybe will believe me, how I feel, instead of rushing to read some psychiatric manual and give me a rx for pills, and hearing the words "there is something wrong with you, you are sick and you need to convince yourself that your feelings are not real"... There is still a part of me trying to get me out of the road no matter what, but now at 31 I'm lucky enough to be able to see myself coming... Whatever happens, they are not cannibals, so it'll be fine... Sorry again I freaked out...
Good luck! I plan on calling the Mazzoni Center in a few days to schedule an appointment to go over my history and get blood work done, then I'm getting on the T train!
A counsellor I respect (used to see him when I had the funding to do so) told me of a strategy I could use, when I was in distress. I told him that sometimes I could get so upset that I could feel the distress even in my body, so he said to find that place, put my hands there and ask two questions, firstly, "what do I feel?" - not thinking or pondering it over, just tuning in and listening - and then, "what do I need?", and similarly just 'listening' to my own mind and body. I still use this regularly. Feeling like we want to tear up the room is fine. Actually doing it might cause problems, but I've found it's a good thing to be able to hold any kind of feeling in awareness, feel it fully, and by allowing it expression and acceptance within oneself, to actually help oneself connect with the real problem, rather than just react blindly (such as actually breaking or smashing something, as I did once or twice myself, actually). Healing is not usually a comfortable process. In my own long-term journey of healing, I've had many highs and lows, and quite a few journeys through 'hell' and 'the abyss'. It all passes in time. Always I come back to the same place: ordinary, vulnerable human being with wounds and dreams barely a soul knows of, just trying to get through another day. Just like so many others. 'What do I need?' is often just love. Or it can be simply to shout (nothing wrong with shouting, actually, your room will survive that!), or to cry, or even maybe a cup of tea and to talk to someone. Or whatever else that comes up. But do ask yourself that question too, and do your best to meet that need, once you know what it really is, or at least to acknowledge it and honour it by listening and caring enough for yourself to listen. I wish you well on your own journey of healing, and the courage to truly feel your feelings, but to know that that is indeed just what they are - just feelings, whatever they may be. Do the seas get any calmer with time? In my experience, a little, but what really happens imo is that one becomes a better captain of one's ship, and learns how to weather the storms better. And so you can look at the storm and say, 'pah, been there before, I know what that's about'. Take care, Andy. (*hug*)
Ok, I'm back... I'm alive and it went ok. One of the first questions was how should I be called. I just blanked for a few seconds, partly because of nerves, lack of sleep and genuine surprise. She noticed inmediatly and added the obvious "If you have a masculine name, the pronouns"... First time in my life someone asked me for my name, my real name, and first time someone spoke it aloud in front of me. I know it's not logical that I felt as if she was baptizing me, but that is how I felt. Now, I've got a name and I don't want to change it. Maybe I'll add a second one, but the name I told her will stay. Ok, I'll get to the point... Good news : It seems that the easiest part is getting the rx for T. You don't even need to go through a psychologist, you just ask and get them from your good doctor. If he is not cool with it, change your doctor. Bad news : Surgery is going to cost me an arm and a leg and things I wasn't born with... I can try to get the cost covered, but at the price of "proving I'm trans", which involves a year and a half of therapy ("it is considered a disease, so you need a diagnosis" she said) plus : Tons of paperwork, really tons... (Yup, health is a business... His way of telling you "go to hell" is making you suffering it with countless letters that you have to answer inmediatly, lots of bureaucratic drama and stress...) To me it's cheaper and easier to spare myself this extra suffering by... Having to go hungry for a few moths, probably half a year... And paying it from my own pocket. And we are talking just about your average top surgery. Bottom requires to turn yourself into a mytical hero and fight dragons and whatnot for years, while drowning in papers... And she even told me that it would be a good idea to get a lawyer to deal with all this... But I don't need desperately to do this... To me being a man has nothing to do with having a penis. About sterilization she refused to give any advice. She was still polite and all that, but she was refusing to answer my question. As I directly asked how much, she just answered she had no idea. It amazes me when compared with how quickly she gave a price for top surgery. So at the end I left with a bittersweet taste. She told me that most of the transmen go first for T. To me the priority is on having surgery first, and then getting on T. I'll be wearing a sports bra until I can get my top surgery, I'm not buying a binder nor wearing it because I know I just couldn't stand it. I need to breath, I need to run, move freely, and if wearing a ring makes me nervous, go figure about wearing a binder. And even before I get my top surgery, I really need to get sterilized. I've been wanting to do it since I got my period. I don't want to hear "you might change your mind" anymore. I just don't want to have kids because that doesn't suit me, and I have a right to feel this way. When a man or a woman comes to the system asking for help to get a child, the system will pay a lot for their treatement. To sterilize someone is way cheaper. I just don't get it. About the name change, I'll need to pay for two lawyers that after ten sesions will write a nice letter confirming that I'm trans, so I'll be allowed to legally change my name. Well, she was very kind as he added that I could email or call her anytime if I felt depressed, but I doubt I have nothing more to ask her, except for the surgeon's adress when I get all the money I need. It seems that my transition is forced to stand by for at least six moths. I'll try to deal with it the best I can. I'm planning to come out to a few people I want to be honest with, but I'm not sure... Right now I'm not sure of anything anymore... I think I need time to process all this... You try to find the simplest and most elegant solution to a problem, and you end up with a complete mess... Frustrating... On the other hand, I think I did well by going there. She was very professional and kind, and when I said "thank you", she just replied "it's my job". As I went outside and saw the living streets, I felt a wave of sadness that I haven't felt since my teens. It had that flavour, that smell, sounded way too familiar. This is also the real me, I guess, some kind of sexless abstraction, an entity... Someone who is simply not there... This was just my experience. Maybe I'll try another LGTB center, but after this experience I'm not really looking forward to it. To hear someone calling me by my real name was nice, only I wish it had happened under another circumstances, and definitely that the name had been said not by a stranger. The good thing is that I'm becoming more aware of my own needs as a human being, so I'd say what I did was worth it, and probably I would go there again.
