When trans people describe their feelings towards bodies, they often say that they hate everything about themselves. But when I look in the mirror I see a beautiful girl with a nice body, and I don't hate her, I just don't make the connection between her and me. I didn't used to feel like this, and it gets worse daily, I've never self harmed, but I've started liking getting knocked down when playing rugby, because it makes me feel alive for a bit. Anybody else feel like this? Is it normal?:help:
I don't know if this will help but, I don't hate my body. I don't feel the need or desire to fully transition, but I do have more "guy" days than "girl" days. Despite that, even on my "guy" days, I don't hate my body, I don't even feel that much of a disconnect. The disconnect for me happens when I get identified as a girl in public. That's the part that really rattles me. I don't think it that uncommon tbh. As for getting knocked down in rugby, you could probably chalk that up to adrenaline, endorphines, and dopamine. Once upon a time I did try cutting a couple times, it didn't make me feel any better, not for one second. 0/10 would not recommend. I'd stick to sports to feel alive.
I'm thinking the rugby bit probably makes you feel more masculine in that moment because having physical confrontation excites the testosterone in a person. As a bio-male I can attest that when I used to play football and would be really physical, or even when I worked out lifting weights, I always felt so much more masculine than at any other time and I think it was because of the testosterone boost. Or, alternatively, when you are being knocked down you are completely immersed in the present moment where there are no thoughts. Buddhist teachings suggest that the place of "no mind" where one is completely present is the doorway to enlightenment, so perhaps you are so immersed in what's happening that you are no longer troubled by your mind. I too don't really hate my body because, like you, I just feel a sort of disconnect between who I know I am and that reflection in the mirror. I think that's just a milder version of dysphoria and is to be expected. The real question is what do you want to see when you look in the mirror? I think far too many trans people start to hate their pre-transition selves and so they do everything they can to erase that former self once they start to transition. I personally don't see that as a healthy way of doing things because no matter who we are or how we appear, each of us is an individual expression of beauty. We are all miracles of form with nearly unlimited potential, so to hate one's self is to deny that inherent beauty and to cut one's self off from the source of love and light that we all have inside of us. I think you should cherish the fact that you don't hate your reflection because it means you are coming from a good place. I don't know where you are in your transition (or if you are going to even make one) but if you approach transitioning with love of what you were and excitement about what you'll become, you will find much happiness. If you haven't previously, I highly suggest learning mindful meditation techniques... I think you'll find that you don't need rugby to feel alive.
^This was beautiful! :eusa_clap Thanks for the advice, I'd defiantly like to learn about meditation, I think it would be a good way to temper my normally overtly strong personality and help me feel at peace within myself rather than feeling the need to prove my masculinity all the time.
Be glad you haven't had the experiences of self-hatred most trans people have. It doesn't make you less trans (but if you ever try to transition, don't tell the gatekeepers).
I am thankful that I'll never go through some of the things over trans people do, really, but I think the mentality that some trans people have is dangerous to themselves and others, no wonder so many young trans have such a hard time, society as a whole doesn't accept them, then their own community says they aren't 'really' trans because they haven't self harmed or developed an eating disorder.
I feel a lot like this. The girl people think i am and who i used to see in photos i never disliked her, i just dont really feel like a her, i felt quite fake and 2d. I like my bodyshape, its nice for a woman, but im a guy so i want a guys shape really, but i dont hate what i have its just not mine. I do feel dysphoria sometimesand it can be horrible but most of the time its present but not bad, justvlike an aknowlagement. (sorry for terrible spelling XD)
Transmen fight club, anyone? Seriously, I'd love it. Bad thing that sports is no fun with such a body. That's the reason why I stoped long ago. You feel things moving all the time... It kills the fun. I don't hate myself, because I have to live with what I've got. I used to think during my teens that I would get used to it eventually, but after 15 years it didn't happened, it got even worse... Still, you need to carry on, but the life quality is nowhere close to normal. It's a daily struggle, and you can't win such a fight everyday. Also the energy you give on the fight is just gone : It's not productive, it doesn't serve any purpose but making your life (and sometimes the lives of other people) absolutely miserable. It's just plain wrong. Look at the high rate of suicides among trans. Sometimes enough is enough. And sometimes you just don't see it coming until it's too late.
That's one of the worries that I have as a questioning individual. I never really hated my appearance. What scares me most is that I don't feel that disconnected with my reflection either. I just don't find my body to be the most ideal for me, although I have grown attached to how I look. Mostly my physical dysphoria (if i can call it that) is from really frustrating jealousy I get when I look at a guy, as if his body was an upgrade from mine. Recently I've been beginning to focus on masculine parts on my face and body and feel good about them while trying to ignore the feminine parts. Whenever I'm at home I put my hair up in a hat and wear masculine clothes- just basically try and emphasize a more male look. I guess I just like my appearance because it's 'me' but I would prefer it to be more masculine. Not sure what that really means in terms of my gender identity but that's me.
Before I realised I was trans I mostly experienced a disconnect. I'd look in the mirror and the person looking back was good-looking enough, but they weren't me. I couldn't quite figure out what was up. Then I found out about trans* people. Two and a half years of denial later I bought a binder and when I saw my chest flat and as it should be, dysphoria and self-hate towards my body started to hit. It's less so now. I have good days and bad days with it.
