Confused about gender?

So I think this is a mix of confusion and a fear that I'm right. I don't think I'm female. But rather agender leaning female. Is that possible?

It would make sense as I seem to have preference for sexuality labels that don't imply gender, such as bisexual, or neutral gay, even though I'm only attracted to women. I cringe when I get called a beautiful girl or woman by people, and became upset that my professor assumed he knew my gender and ticked the female box for me. I've never quite related to girls, not only in the not liking boys thing and being attracted to them, but I just don't quite see myself as female. Yet, I'm okay using the simple female pronouns she/her; I just don't like it when people call be things like girl, sweetie, miss, ma'am ect. . . woman is okay though and I wouldn't mind being called sir, but I wouldn't call myself male either.

I don't think I quite fit the gender binary. Would people here agree that agender might be a fitting term for myself? Or is there another term that might be more useful to describe me?

Can anyone else relate?

 

Thanks, and good luck to you too (*hug*)

If people don't mind, I'm just going to ramble a bit to clear my head so I can focus better on my research paper due Tuesday.

Despite that fact that my sex is female, I present as a feminine female, and prefer to use female pronouns (not necessarily descriptors though), I'm pretty sure I'm agender.

Well for starters I don't understand women. I don't relate to them like other women do, I relate better to women who are more intellectual. I don't understand girl's night/ weekend/ hang out. And even if I enjoy myself I always sort of feel out place, and its not quite social awkwardness, which could be part of it, but I think it goes deeper than that.

I feel infinitely more comfortable and at ease around guys. I recently signed up for a counseling appt. They didn't tell me who the counselor would be, but i had a hunch it was going to be a guy, and I was extremely happy when my suspicion was confirmed.

I understand guys a lot better than I do women, and the people who I get along with best as pals are guys. And I think it's more than the fact that I'm attracted to women instead of men as to why I feel a disconnect from women.

I've never felt quite like a girl or a boy. I'm just me. When I look in the mirror I don't see any gender, I see my face and think oh person in a female body. I never cared that I didn't get my period until 15, but my mom was worried that I was intersex. (And secretly I remember hoping and wishing that would be the case.) I've never wanted kids, I don't find babies cute, and I'm unapologetically me, a quiet introverted person who prizes intelligence above almost anything else.

I have a doll face as people have described it, and it makes me forever look like a sweet, innocent, and virtuous 15 year old girl from victorian england. I detest being called sweetie, girl, miss, ma'am, young lady, even daughter feels wrong. I feel fine if someone calls me a (beautiful) woman, but I'd much rather be called a beautiful person or handsome. Secretly I'd love to be called sir, cut my hair short, and wear a feminine fitting suit with heels and nice make up.

When filling out forms I'll check off female out of the two choices, but it always take me a minute to think about, and it never seems quite right. Recently something really struck me and made think more critically about my gender identity. A few weeks back when my professor was handing out official study abroad forms to fill out, he had already check off gender for us "because thats obvious." I was genuinely upset that he assumed he knew my gender and even more upset that he assumed it was female.

Inside I don't feel like I have a specific gender. I feel like my desire for knowledge overshadows any gender that I have; I identify infinitely more strongly with my personalty/mbti/ennegram type than any gender. If on forms instead of gender they asked myers briggs type, I'd be over the moon.

-----------added: 1:22PM ------------------

Also, I've never looked at a woman and thought I want to look like her. I've never even really been in the in between lesbian feeling of wanting to be with her and wanting to be her. For me its always been a simple answer of "be with her", and occasionally, "that dress is cute, maybe I should buy it." I am quite attracted to the male physic in this regard though. I find it attractive in the way that straight girls find other women attractive. . .

 

Thanks everyone It makes me happy to know that I'm not the only one.

Another curious pondering?

Yesterday, when it hit me like a ton of bricks that I'm agender (or at very least not female), it felt like i was awake for the first time ever. My brain clicked and suddenly it felt like it was working better than ever. With each tear of joy that I cried it felt like rust was chipping away off the gears in my head and everything was shiny and new. (But, regrettably, I had to stop the tears of joy because I had to go to class).

Did anyone else experience something similar? Once you realized your gender feeling like you could see clearly for the first time ever?

 

So I've typed a page and a half of my research paper, got the intro and first background paragraph done, now just to fill in the blanks for 7 more pages But first I'm going to take a break and pose another question.

Is this common among people? Or is this a form of dysphoria/ indicative that I'm not cis-gendered:

When I look in the mirror or at photos of myself, I know that its me but it has never felt like me. (does that makes sense?) I'm often told I look very "girly" and "sweet" (both descriptors I despise). But when I look at a picture of myself on photo booth or in the mirror my face I don't see any of that, the image doesn't look at all female to me. It looks genderless or male, and somedays I don't relate to it at all and I almost can have an out of body feeling if it looks female when I wasn't trying to look "dolled up".

I'm really, really tempted to cut my hair short, but I'm afraid to take that step. (mostly because I'm stubborn and have always told my family I'd never cut my hair short, but also because I'm going abroad and my ID pictures wont match if I do that, and i want to avoid confusion.)

Also I'm glad to hear someone can relate to my feeling of realization, thanks so much for all of the support everyone, it means the world to me (*hug*)

 

Haha, I don't think so . . . and no worries about the advice. I appreciate the support and the knowledge that I'm not the only one. I hope you are able to figure out things yourself too

And thanks again to everyone for continuing to answer my questions and pointing me towards resources, I really appreciate it (*hug*)

Also I was wondering what people think about wanting to talk to my best friend about this. I'm going to have to wait until at least wednesday if I do because of our crazy workload, but do you think its worth talking about with him? I'm sure he'll be supportive, and i wont get the opportunity to talk to any one about this again for a long time (I'm going home and then abroad) . . .

Has anyone come out as non-binary or questioning gender and if so how did people react? I'm assuming there will need to be some explaining/ educating but I am happy to do that and I'm in no way concerned that my friend will be judgmental. I know I could wait, but it might just be nice to talk to a friend about gender.