I've been struggling the last few weeks to define what I am. I've gone from transgender to genderfluid to a gender, bigender and androgyne. I'm seeing a therapist on a weekly basis and I have explored what gender means to me and what I see woman as and what I see men as. Before this happened, I was never truly unhappy being a woman. I actually liked being one and was comfortable being one. Sure, it would piss me off when people said I didn't likes to like a girl or flirt like one but I always had problems relating to people and opening up to them. I've never hated being a girl so I don't understand my confusion. I realize I see men as stronger and women as weaker, which confuses me so much because that has part to do what I see myself as. Just when I started to realize I'm probably bisexual and a lot of what I feel is in reaction to my attraction, I feel a major setback. I become obsessed with having the male sexual anatomy but don't see myself doing hrt or transitioning. It's all very incredibly confusing. I know that transitioning is not something I want - mostly because I don't necessarily hate my body or my breasts but feeling like a manly person is incredibly confusing. I also have major obsessive issues and feel like I'm going crazy. Anyone have advice?
Love yourself, warts and all. It's very healing. Do you feel like you're giving yourself high expectations, tripping yourself up, failing at stuff and then judging yourself even more harshly for having failed? Give yourself a big wraparound hug. Tell yourself that it's OK to not be perfect. Also, look up freedom from self-sabotage on youtube. I found a lot of that spiritual advice really helpful. I feel like my 'problem' is sort-of a mirror image of yours. I don't think I openly hated myself for being male, but I was never particularly enthusiastic about boyish or manly stuff either. Recently, it's as if some "gender awareness" switch clicked in my head and I'm becoming more and more aware how my entire life had elements of role-play, and how I couldn't remember having any internal gender when I was young. Childhood was all about keeping my family happy, keeping friends and everyone else happy, and just going along with the natural peer pressure and competitiveness. It was the path of least resistance, and I was a fearful kid. For me, the label does not have to be perfect, as long as it works. Maybe androgynous or gender-fluid. That concern about male strength over women, it seems quite competitive and maybe a masculine trait, but I wouldn't worry about that.
First, you are trans, which is a huge benefit. You have the possibility to access "male" and "female" brain patterns at will. To me its kind of an energy. female-caring, more emotionally steered, more using words and language male-more logical, rational If you are together with other persons, you might feel that... I'd say relax and enjoy... pick what you prefer, and go in a direction you like...preferring one or the other, while being able to access both if necessary... you might think about meditation, a time daily where you turn off music and just try to get in contact with your core... letting distractions go by... you might talk with your therapist about it, therer are different styles... further similar things can be done regularly, like having a cup of tea... taking a walk... healthy eating is of advantage... enough fruits and vegetables, in a healthy variety... cutting high sugar drinks... (*hug*)(*hug*)
Wow, I've fought the word trans for so much but I realize trans is many different levels. Do you identify as transitioning too jay777? I know transitioning isn't in my cards now - or maybe ever - because I'm happy being who i am. As long as I can fog from gender spectrum to the other end, I'm pretty happy. Just want to be comfortable in my body.
Well we're all individuals, and everyone needs to think about their solution... but it sounds like you have discovered a few things that should help you further along your way . (*hug*)
That's very true. I just had a weird realization this morning which answered my question if I ever wanted to transition. I don't think being seen as a man would solve any issues since I don't really identify as physically male, just a really masculine girl. It was so freaking strange but an interesting development. Thanks for your advice. Both of you!
I recently came back from another therapy session, a mention of OCD was mentioned. I think this was definitely a contributing factor to what I'm feeling; still, there's always going to be me acting differently than the norm. Once that OCD was mentioned, it made total sense, though. It's like..I knew that this was an obsessive idea that had been taking over my mind. This is a really surprising but yet logical realization.
