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How do you know if you're gender fluid as opposed to full blown trans?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by anonym, Dec 10, 2014.

  1. anonym

    anonym Guest

    The last couple of days I have realized that despite me being trans and identifying as male, there are some female things about me which come out when I'm not consciously monitoring my behaviours, despite my effort to be rid of them. It's like I'm in denial. I think there's nothing feminine about me, I tell myself there's nothing feminine about me, even though I know that's untrue for many cis guys. I feel like sometimes, I'm in more of a female mode but I'm not sure if this is part of who I am and I may be more than one gender but I'm just trying to stamp out the female one and deny it ever existed or whether it's just the effect of having been socialized as female and I'm just falling into that role which I had learned to play so effortlessly. Last night, when I was feeling in more of a female mode, I thought about myself growing old as a man and that word, 'man', struck me as being the wrong fit. It's like pronouns. When I'm referred to as 'she' or 'her', it usually makes me squirm inside and I will have to consciously make the connection that they are talking about me whereas 'he' or 'him' is just much more calming. But last night 'man' didn't fit so I tried 'woman' and to my surprise, it felt better. Today, I'm back in a guy mode. As much as I'd like, I can't really wipe out the fact I lived for 25 years as female and I wonder if it's normal to feel that part of me still is somewhat female, albeit a rather more masculine female than I ever really presented before? I feel confused. It's like there are all these different parts of me which are also different genders and I'm struggling to know what kind of body I would be comfortable with as the vessel for all of these parts. When I feel in more of a female mode, I feel more content with aspects of my body the way that they are, though not fully comfortable. For example, if I managed to lose some of the weight which I have acquired through being on anti depressants and I didn't have to contend with periods, I'm not too discontent with my body. For example, body hair, facial hair and muscles just don't appeal to me at these times. In fact today, I tried on a new shirt with my binder and I felt kind of sad at the disappearance of my chest, despite the fact that I feel all icky and uncomfortable unless I'm wearing baggy clothing. The last few times I have tried on men's shirts, though admittedly without a binder, I was happy but today I didn't get that reaction. My gut reaction was that something wasn't me :confused2: Now I'm back in guy mode again. I'm not yet presenting full time as male, only when I can in my room. I'm not yet sure if presenting male and being male full time is right for me yet. Certainly, some days I feel more male than others and I think that would effect my presentation too like whether I would actually wear a binder (despite my discomfort) and if I wanted male secondary sex characteristics like body hair and a male voice. Will I find this out in time? Will this female part of me disappear over time? Should I want it to? In some ways I do and in others I don't because it is a part of my identity no matter how much I try to deny it.
     
    #1 anonym, Dec 10, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 10, 2014
  2. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    Few things to keep in mind

    - You can still be feminine and be a man. I mean, I consider myself to be pretty masculine (at least that's what people tell me) but even I have a few feminine traits. My own partner, who's an auto guy, likes to sew. Just because you're not conventional doesn't mean you're not necessarily your gender- I mean, it's entirely possible you could be non-binary but being non-binary isn't just a matter of what gender stereotypes you do or don't fit in because no one fits perfectly in a box.

    - So honestly ask yourself. Are you a woman or a man? It sounds like you have a lot of soul searching that needs to happen.

    - Honestly, I did have a few moments early on where I considered detransitioning and being female. In fact, I admit that I looked good as female. But it wasn't something I was necessarily comfortable with, just figured it would make life easier. But that was before I actually came out, lived as male and so on. Now I never think about "going back" and I am a man.

    - Future suggestion, some paragraphs would be appreciated. I don't mean to sound rude but I had trouble reading your post.
     
  3. Chriswe

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    This is similar to how I feel and live. Most of the time I'm a guy, not comfortable with my body, dysphoria etc. Other times I'm other genders when the dysphoria is coming and going. But sometimes, I'm all suddenly feeling like a girl. Absolutely confident with my body, no discomfort at all, but these moment only last for a maximum of a few hours or so. It's weird... And annoying as heck. But it might change in the future, who knows?

    This is just how I feel. It's a big chance you're fully trans, and as you said, but just fall back on the female side because you were raised to do so. Good luck, and if you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to message me on my wall.
     
  4. wasgij

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    Hmm, it sounds like you've been pretty unhappy, and maybe have been trying to "medicate" by changing how you think you look, compared to how you think the rest of society looks. I guess it's a bit like buying comfort food. After a while it stops working. I'm not talking about gender transitioning, only the quick-fixes and pick-me-ups. I can relate, I'm snacking right now, and part of me also wants a mood boost by writing supportive things on the internet.

    It sucks not being happy. I find the typical "happy person" advice really difficult to understand and absorb, but it seems to help so I'm taking it on as my own:
    go easy on yourself,
    be kinder to yourself,
    start loving the whole you, like a piece of beautiful art where the cracks and imperfections actually make the whole thing better, not worse.
    don't punish yourself too much if you slip up. A bit of self-regulation is necessary so you don't OD while partying with hookers, but the guilt is not meant to kill you either. It's just cracks in the artwork.

    ---------- Post added 10th Dec 2014 at 11:57 PM ----------

    That said, I'm also a hypocrite because my own gender exploration seems to be just beginning, and I'm far too scared to assert myself in any overly public way. The best I can manage is avoiding having a "macho" mask to hide my feminine body language.
     
  5. Just Jess

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    Being trans is nothing more or less than being you. There's stuff about you you can change and deny, and stuff you can't. You are a person, and people change as they learn and grow. The steps you have taken just changed your point of view. You learned more about yourself. So don't be surprised if your ideas about sex and gender and how they relate to you are diffferent. When it gets real bad, when I feel just as much like I am acting as I did before all this, maybe I am. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I know who I am, much better than before. I try to remember why I am doing this, why its worth it to me. I ask myself if itvstill is important, if I can go back, if that life would fit me again. If it doesn't, I need to go forward. Forward just means not here, and toward something that does fit.

    I am a person that needs to be physically female, and I need to know that I am interacting with the world as a woman. That is the only part of this that has always been true. Everything else is me.
     
  6. anonym

    anonym Guest

    I'm sorry you found it difficult.

    Thanks for the replies. I think I'm binary male but at the same time, I feel like part of me is still female. Maybe it will gradually go away in time. Maybe it will always be there. Perhaps it's something I need to move away from so that I feel fully male. Maybe I need to stop trying to eradicate it and accept that it is a part of who I am. I really don't know.

    Most of the time I'm a guy, not comfortable with my body, dysphoria etc. Other times I'm other genders when the dysphoria is coming and going. But sometimes, I'm all suddenly feeling like a girl. Absolutely confident with my body, no discomfort at all, but these moment only last for a maximum of a few hours or so. It's weird... And annoying as heck. But it might change in the future, who knows?

    Yes! This is exactly how I feel. The dysphoria can lift and I can be ok with being female but it's only for a few hours max. It is all in my head. I feel female sometimes but then I consider whether I want to express that outwardly. I think about wearing female clothing again and it makes me shudder and dysphoric.
     
  7. Acm

    Acm Guest

    Dysphoria can fluctuate, you don't have to have it all the time. That's fairly common I think
     
  8. Groosenator

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    I don't have an answer so to speak, but I just want to say I can completely relate to this. That is almost exactly how I feel. I'm at a point where I am pretty sure I want to transition medically, but those brief moments where I feel pretty comfortable with myself make me really question whether I would be making a mistake.
     
  9. antibinary

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    You may want to research demiflux. It's where part of your gender is fixed (in this case male) and part of it is fluid, (probably androgynous or genderqueer to male.)
     
  10. CuddleBunny

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    I can strongly identify with this as well. Most of the time I feel like a Girl, and I feel discomfort with my body and the way I look, I seem to go though brief stints where I feel content with being a Guy for very short spans of time before I go back to feeling like a Girl again.
     
  11. WyldStyle

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    I'm in a similar position as you I feel, so I would say that you are very possibly gender fluid. Most days I find that I'm happy as a guy and don't really think about doing anything about who I am, but then I'll get a couple days where I really dislike who I am and I want to be a girl and do girl things. I'm not really at a point where pronouns bother me, but I do think you're genderfluid. I feel like this is a good point for you, as you can test the waters of both genders and figure out which one you prefer, or if you stay preferring both.