Why can't this go away?

It's just part of who you are. I've tried burying it for years, and it landed me in the hospital for suicidal ideation.

 

Before I begin to say anything: It will be okay.
Don't question why or how, just know that things will work out. Things will look up, someday.

First piece of advice: It's okay to be scared. Transition is scary. But, so are most things in life. You have to look inside yourself and say, "Would I rather be dead, or living happily even though I am trans*?" You may not want to be this way, and you may think you can deal with it without therapy/medical intervention, but you won't. That's the bottom line. This will bubble up inside you and burn you from the inside out, eat you away until you feel like you are nothing. You will feel hopeless and trapped, with no exit option.
I know you haven't quite accepted this fact to yourself, and that's also okay. One of the most valuable ingredients in transition is time. The process of acceptance is different for a lot of people. It wasn't easy for me. I denied it from a very early age (toddler era), and surpressed it until I got to middle school. There was so much hate built up inside of me that I did not have room for anything else. But, I read a lot of testimonials, watched a lot of YouTube videos of transpeople, and slowly learned I don't have to be scared of my identity. I don't have to continue to be someone I'm not. I suggest you research a lot; understand what you're going through better and listen to others' stories. You don't have to run anymore.

Second piece of advice: Don't surpress it. It'll make things so much worse. Emotionally, I'm a very stereotypically masculine person. I don't like opening up to people, I hate showing weakness or that I need help, and I always hide my emotions. It was hard for me to accept that I needed to see someone about this, and after that, I didn't go to my therapist for a year. I was bloody terrified that they knew I was weak, that I was messed up on the inside. It will be hard. No part of being trans* is easy. But once you get through that barrier, things will be so much better. Running won't help, being helped will.

That's all the advice I has for you. Please be good to yourself, my friend.

 

Similar to Daydreamer1, I tried to suppress my feelings until I landed myself in the ER hooked to an IV...

What I'd like to ask you, and although you don't need to respond here if it makes you uncomfortable but please think about it, is why do you feel the need to completely suppress this part of yourself? Why is it you feel the need to keep it hidden? So its a phase. When I went through my running phase, I didn't hold myself back from going out on a jog on the hope it would pass. I didn't deny myself "Man of Steel" when I went through my Superman phase, so why pull back from this?

That being said, try to focus on the here and now instead of what may or may not be. Whether its a phase or not, the important thing is what can I do to make myself comfortable and happy in this moment?

Why not try purchasing a pair of guy's jeans or a snazzy button-up shirt and see how you feel?

Also, I'd like to tell you how much I admire you for coming to this site, and using this resource. Reaching out takes strength and courage.

The negative emotions you're feeling right now, the anxiety, the frustration, are a testimony to how well you as a child learned and understood societal expectations. And I think that's frickin amazing. They've carried over into your adulthood where they aren't helping quite so much, but I feel grateful they've brought you this far. Maybe what I'm saying doesn't make sense, but what I'm trying to say is that I want you to understand where your emotions come from, because their origin is a testimony to your intelligence and strength.