I think I've finally figured out one of the major roadblocks on the path to accepting myself, and that is that I'm afraid I won't be taken seriously about being trans* because I'm not hypermasculine. From all the psychological stereotypes, I have a very androgynous brain. I can empathize well, and I am generally a good listener, but I am also oblivious to emotions quite often and I have trouble relating to most of girls that go to my school. I've had a couple therapists try to make me become more masculine, to let go parts of who I am that is feminine, and it just feels wrong to me. I'm not going to hide a part of me just to be taken more seriously by society. But, that's also what makes me so nervous, transitionwise. I'm not the most masculine, and people might just see it as some phase or attention seeking antic. I think that's also why my mother is so hung up on the whole, "we can still fix you" narrative, because of the fact that I wasn't overly masculine as a small child. But, I wasn't overly feminine. Seeing her reject me is a total confidence shattering experience. If the person that is supposed to have unconditional love for me doesn't accept me, then who is? I'm terrified by the most trivial things in this transition process, but they're the most crippling to me. TL;DR - I just needed to rant.
You might have a look at this: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-gender-identity-expression/149111-am-i-ftm.html#4 and this: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/156085-i-just-im-kind-scared.html#4 (*hug*)
You shouldn't feel forced to change your ways to "fit in". Not all of men are hypermasculine, and not all women are hyperfeminine -about their looks, thinking... Just take a good look outside, and you'll surely find a lot of living examples. Women and men are not black and white stereotypes, everyone is different. About being a good listener and the rest, it depends on what is socially considered "masculine" or "feminine" at the moment. Only a few decades ago some professions were only for men, and the same goes for the typical "female jobs" -nurses,etc. All this lead us to the good question of what really means to be a man or a woman. For that question you should find your own answer. The best thing you can do right now is to observe how others behave and try to understand them. You'll be surprised to see that men are mostly much more neutral (and even at times "feminine") than we like to think. It's a very fun exercise... You should be the one who should love yourself unconditional. Once you've acepted yourself for what you are, what others think of you will be secondary. She hurts you so much because you feel as if you need her aproval. This shows you love her, but you are puting yourself at risk of being hurt when she is having difficulties to cope with it -and trust me she will. From what I've heard, mothers take it harder than fathers. You need to be very patient and distance yourself a bit from her. Try to open yourself a bit more with friends at school, maybe go to a LGBT center for teenagers. (*hug*)
First of all, why the hell is your therapist trying to make you more masculine . Bad therapist... Second of all, be who you are. There is variety in cis guys too when it comes to masculinity and femininity because it is mostly a construct of society and culture.
If you are not hypermasculine, then there is no need to make yourself that way. Not all men are hypermasculine, so it would be weird if all transmen were all hypermasculine. As long as you are happy with who you are, then there is no need to change you action to suit others views of how you should be.
Gender expression =/= gender identity. I am not hypermasculine; I'm a non-binary trans guy. I still transitioned because it was something I needed to do in order to live a happy life, and to live as myself, irregardless of how masculine or feminine I am or was. I still get hung up at times about being a feminine guy, but I'm still male. I don't have to be hypermasculine to "prove" myself, or to validate my gender. That would be just as much of a facade as when I was trying to live as a girl. Also, any therapist trying to persuade you to be more masculine is definitely not worth your time, and you need to find someone who clearly understands that you can be trans, and not have to play up to expectations.
I struggled with not seeming male enough when I saw the specialists. For example, my choice of name was criticized for being unisex. I say fuck it. You're the one that's got to live your life, not your therapist so be yourself and not someone's idea of masculinity.
Dude, I do ballroom dance. And I follow. So do a lot of straight cis-guys I know. That doesn't turn me into a girl anymore then it turns them into one; it just makes me a sexy guy who's an awesome dance partner.
