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What is dysphoria like to you?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by processingerror, Dec 16, 2014.

  1. processingerror

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    I often doubt i feel dysphoria, and it makes me question my gender identity sometimes as i hear a lot of trans* people suffer really bad from their dysphoria and it can even cause them physical amd mental distress. I dont really feel like that though, sometimes its mainly like certain things stand out as if highlighted with a highlighter pen. I appriciate my body etc but it doesnt feel right sometimes. i bArely feel dysphoria for my 'top' it is mainly for my 'bottom' parts. However it.isnt always bad, it'll just be like a persistant thought in the back of my head, or like highlighted. It could be anywhere, anytime for long periods of time just a feeling directed somewhere, not even in verbal thought. If i see myself in dresses, i appriciate my looks caus i have an okay female body, however it looks weird to me when i see my face, like i feel i am cross-dressing, as a male in a dress. Which is fine, but not one of myown likes(・へ・) my feelings of concentraition come mainly to my voice, expression, lower half, hips, ri.cage and facial features. Somedays however when i am stressed or before a.period.i get really upset. and / or paranoid about it, and am likely to go sobbing in the shower m(_ _:wink:m

    Does anyone else get feelings of dysphoria like this? If not, whats it like for you? :/ Thanks for your input.
     
    #1 processingerror, Dec 16, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2014
  2. Kasey

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    Some have less severe physical dysphoria, I rarely get that "ughhhh I hate my body so much feeling" but I have such social dysphoria lately. Hate having to present male, hate being called mister hate having to look at myself in the morning going to work. I guess that's a bodily response...

    It's becoming more irritating to be called he, ESPECIALLY when I'm presenting female. It's the I'm not socially perceived as female which is what bothers me.

    I'm actually quite pissed I'm not I'm a dress with my hair on and... Yea. Stupid visitors.

    It's different for everyone.
     
  3. PossumJack

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    Hey there! I'm also in the process of questioning my identity in the same way, and this is also a question I've had in my mind for a very long time.

    I'm kind of in the opposite situation as you, where the majority of my discomfort comes from my top region. Right now all of my makeshift binders (sports bras + undersized tank tops, etc etc.) just don't feel like they're doing enough despite that fact that my breasts are already very small and barely noticeable to a lot of people. It doesn't feel like a physical discomfort but more like this mental sort of anxiety that I'm somehow weird for having breasts. I also wish my hips weren't so wide and well, curvy, but it's less of a worry because I'm naturally lean so a baggy t-shirt would easily overshadow it (and I'll eventually sneak a few men's jeans past my mom so my pants would stop accentuating it so much ;P). I also wish I had a deeper voice and a much "harsher" and masculine face shape with some nice stubble.

    Socially is a bit hard since most of my school already know me as female, so even if I can pass in front of strangers my primary social environment has already branded me as a "girl". Thankfully most people shorten my birth name to just "Jess" which is tolerably neutral, but it still feels really uncomfortable when people treat me as female despite my active efforts to pass.

    As for looks, I think the simplest way I can describe it is that I objectively recognize that this is a fine enough body for a female, but I don't want it as my own, if that makes any sense.

    ---------- Post added 16th Dec 2014 at 07:11 PM ----------

    PS: Wow, writing in this thread actually helped me organize a lot of my own thoughts. I have to thank you for making it XD
     
  4. Porter

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    I'm genderqueer and I totally have this worry all the time (in fact, i made my own thread with the very same topic a while ago)

    Primarily, I just get discomfort in the jealousy I have over other guys. Like, this extreme overwhelming jealousy. And anything social where I'm separated from the other guys because I'm female.
    I am starting to get uncomfortable with my top area and my thighs though. After I began to start coming out to a small handful of my close friends, it's getting hard to convince myself that this is the right decision when I look down and my body tells me otherwise. (gosh darn internalized transphobia)

    Other than that though, I don't hate my body. I try my best to be confident in my skin and I do a reasonably good job. I would just prefer to have a guy's. I see it as an improvement for some reason. On top of that, I also think it would suit me a lot better and make me feel more comfortable referring to myself as male.
     
  5. RayXxx

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    Torture, like I'm being trapped by my own jail cell. I'm chained to this body, this thing.
     
  6. An Gentleman

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    I can hardly look in a mirror for a few seconds without dying a little inside. On particularly bad days, even talking can have a negative effect (albeit a small one, since my voice is fairly androgynous). Top and bottom dysphoria equally suck as far as I'm concerned. Technically, I can touch "problem areas", but the results are not pretty. I just want medicine to fix all of this. If everything is fixed, I'd be fine, but technology isn't quite there yet.
     
  7. dray7

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    I have more of a dissociation than anything. When I look in the mirror I don't feel like I'm really looking at myself, I don't feel like my birth name is really my name, and overall a lot of things like that have felt off for as long as I can remember. I experience some physical dysphoria too, mostly top. The top can get pretty bad, but overall it's just a sense of discomfort with the way my body currently is.
     
  8. Acm

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    I feel like I'm trapped and i get really uncomfortable, i often get panicky and annoyed. It just feels wrong, i hate looking at my body.
     
  9. AsheTheHuman

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    Like others said, I feel trapped in the wrong body. I tend to become more sad than annoyed or angry though. Sometimes when it's really bad I look at my body and want to vomit.
     
  10. Oddish

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    It feels like I'm in a living hell. I can barely take a shower without feeling an oncoming panic attack, and I still have trouble even doing the most basic of tasks, from getting dressed, to do anything that makes me aware of my body. My top dysphoria is fortunately gone, but now my bottom dysphoria has been flaring up, and I want to take a boxcutter to that area.

    I cope by overexerting my body, through means of strenuous exercise. The more sore I get, the better. That'll teach this fucking ugly, disgusting thing.
     
  11. Kaiser

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    Imagine wearing a costume. At first, it's kind of fun, knowing you're presenting as somebody else. You amuse yourself, have some laughs, and it all seems fine.

    Over a period of time, though, you become frustrated because that costume won't come off. No matter how thin that costume is, nobody can see beyond it, so what you are to the world is that costume. You feel confined and even suffocated at times, because you really want to get out of that costume, but it won't come undone. You start to get a little desperate in your ways to get the costume off, which might result in self-harm or forms of mutilation, like some radical attempt to "cut through to the real person, just underneath".

    I'm fortunate though in that, I have not resorted to self-harm, but I understand why others indulge in it. I am also blessed in that, while I do have my down moments, it isn't a constant mindset. If I keep active or productive, I only have time to focus on results and less on myself, if that makes any sense. But all it really takes is a confident woman flaunting her femininity, and I'm stunned for a moment or two, sort of trapped in a daze of hurtful wonder and pleasant humility, and I'm back to square one.

    Some days I say fuck it, and I can amuse myself with my body. I treat it like an accessory, and enhance it as best I can. Think giving somebody a makeover, only instead of it being somebody else, it's 'this body' of yours. It's weird but, when I present myself as I am, I sort of see myself in third person; as if I'm just a project I worked on. Of course I still think and feel, but I don't always align with myself, if that makes sense. Other days, I reflect on my feelings and perspectives, attempt to gain some wisdom or insight from them, and move on to something else. Sitting around moping about it, while helpful in minor degrees, isn't going to do much to ultimately resolve my problems.

    I'd say, though, the most universally experienced symptom is: a lack of belonging. You can have friends, mingle with family, and hold a job, but it feels like a sitcom. Yes, you're there, and yes you're having exchanges, but it doesn't quite feel real or right. You're perceived more for the role you play and less as the actor you are, if, that too, makes any sense.
     
  12. wanderinggirl

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    If I'm not binding I'm like "what are these things?? Why is it hard to button my shirt and cross my arms?!" It feels like a disconnect. I don't hate them perse, I just feel like they don't belong. They make me feel fatter than I am, and somehow misshapen.

    When I see myself dressed feminine I feel like I look boring. So bored I can't stand it, and I just want to cover up. As a therapist once told me, boredom can be a symptom of other things. So like maybe "bored" is the word I put to it, but really it's a yearning to change something.

    Also I relate to the feeling of putting on a dress and feeling okay, until I see my face perched atop a busty curvy body.
     
  13. Clancularius

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    Imagine hating your body every second, people want the fragile and loving girl I am inside to become this tough, emotionless, highly disciplined man. It's suffering, every day I deceive everyone I know. The lie is so well designed that no one would believe me if I told them the truth, simply because the man is all they see. I'm stuck and it is hopeless at times people will tell me what a great man I'll be one day and I want to tell them that that man doesn't exist. He's the biggest lie I've ever told, and for the longest time I wanted to believe it to. I wanted to be him, because I thought that I was unacceptable and that I would not fit in if I was myself. But as much as I tried it was a impossible goal I was striving for. Eventually I learned that if society wouldn't accept me for who I was, then society wasn't worth my time. Eventually I did accept it, but that didn't make it any better I was still trapped in this prison and I still hate every second of it:frowning2:
     
  14. GrumpyOldLady

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    I've always tried to avoid thinking about it too much. So I never would have said that I had body dysphoria until I started to wonder about my gender identity.

    I had an episode when I was about 13 when I looked in a mirror, and realised that I didn't look like a boy at all, and would never look like one. I felt this terrible sadness, and sobbed my heart out for hours. My parents found me like that, and were really worried, I was so desolate. If I had known that there were options, things might have turned out differently, but as it was my mom offered to help me with my "look", and I made a conscious effort to look more female and at least do some of the things that girls do, like wearing makeup, shaving my legs, and wearing a more feminine cut of clothes.

    When I finally "made" it enough to pass, I actually did feel better for a while, because I was getting more validation from the people around me. I can't say that I hated my body at that point, because I did look much better (I had also lost weight) -- but I've always felt like I was putting on an act, and if I don't work at it constantly, I tend to slip back into being more masculine. Pronouns don't bother me so much, but I intensely dislike being treated like a woman, or being expected to act like one, or have someone tell me I'm acting like one. I always kind of thought it was just a feminist thing.

    When I let myself be "natural", I feel more like myself, but get less validation from others, because I don't really "pass" physically. So when I don't put on the act, I feel less attractive. I don't care as much now as I used to, but when I was younger it was a really big issue for me.
     
  15. Minnie

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    Freaking out internally at the thought of my boobs, hearing my voice and it sounds alien, jealousy of not having a penis. But I have doubts about whether or not I'm trans. Then I get kind of angry about the doubt. Not too long ago I thought I was cis, but later while I was watching a film I didn't like feeling disconnected from the male characters out of being "female".
     
  16. anonym

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    If I spend any longer than 2 seconds looking in a mirror or if I look down when I'm in the shower, I feel a rising tide of panic that feels like it could drown me. Sometimes, I feel like I am overly focusing on the sound of my own voice and every word that comes out of my mouth is like listening to some kind of torturous sound that will drive me insane
     
  17. Bastian

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    For me, dysphoria comes in many forms and shapes.

    As a girl, I don´t cope well with the fine art of social living. I am awkward, shy or the other way round too loud. I don´t understand common jokes and nobody understand mine. I am hopeless when it comes to female clothing. When forced to wear dress, even as a part of theatre performation, I feel like a provincial transvestite who just had a seriously bad day.

    I don´t get the social codes and habits, relevant to female gender. I guess I am more plausible as a male. Thinking of myself as of a man helped me to get through many situations I´ve found unpleasant (f.e. public presentation, crowds, dealing with rude people etc). As a man, I am incredibly self confident. As a girl I am just... scared. As a man, I am a bloody brilliant superstar. And sexy one.

    I don´t feel any connection with my certain body parts. When I touch them, I feel alienated, or worse, disgusted. Breastst, what the fuck? What is the point of having them? Or wht is the point of having a vagina anyway? It is bloody ugly, difficult, painful, disgusting, SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!!!
    I just want to have a dick. When I´m meeting somebody interesting (and it happens all the time - oh, so many pretty boys, so little time!), I feel almost physical need to TAKE him. See? I don´t want to be taken as girl. I am not interested in having sex the way girls have to, ´cause of the bloody biology. I need to take. So much that it sometimes almost hurts.

    Well, and tht was just for the beginning. Dysphoria is a bitch. And so is Mother Nature.
     
  18. wanderinggirl

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    This makes a lot of sense! I always think my body is awkward and misshapen, but then if i view it objectively I think it's probably not that bad, I just don't like it for me...
     
  19. lymanclark

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    Hey, y'all! Hope I'm not too late to join the party :icon_wink

    I've doubted my dysphoria a lot, too. I often vacillate between "YES I'M FTM" and "Oh wait I'm a lesbian". This is due to many things (see if any apply to you, maybe?)

    1. Transphobic family: I don't wanna start any conflicts, so I'm just playing along and pretending to be a girl. And then I get confused, like, "Oh shit I'm not soul-crushingly depressed right now, DOES THAT MEAN I'M A GIRL?" (*cough* Eventually the soul-crushing depression hits, though. Four weeks is the longest I've lasted as a girl.)

    2. Cross-dressing tendencies: Okay, I admit it. I like makeup. And dresses. But every time I wear that kinda stuff, I get this weird kinda feeling (someone else mentioned it, too) - that I'm… well, cross-dressing. Putting on a costume. "That girl in the flowery dress and pearls? She ain't me."

    3. Emotional maturity: Ahhh, this is an interesting one. As many people in this forum know, I am mildly autistic (I have the condition formerly known as Asperger's Syndrome). I've had quite a bit of trouble grasping emotions. At the physical age of 18, therefore, I have the intellectual maturity of a forty-year-old… and the emotional maturity of, perhaps, a twelve-year-old. Therefore, although I'd felt dysphoria since puberty, I never acknowledged it - simply because I had no idea what I was feeling.

    That being said! What does dysphoria feel like? I guess it varies from person to person - but in my case, it manifests in a couple of ways.

    1. Breasts: I hate my chest. I have a comparatively flat chest (34A), and my shoulders and upper back are the broadest parts of me, so I guess I struck it lucky there. However, whenever I touch my breasts - especially the nipple/areola area - I'll feel this overwhelming sense of shame, disgust, and nausea, and have to immediately pull my hands away from the offending area.

    2. Waist: I'm weirdly conflicted about this. I have a tiny waist, and can be considered somewhat conventionally attractive - so I've always been a tiny bit vain about it. HOWEVER, I oftentimes feel like there's something "missing" there - this delicate figure isn't mine. Even the vanity is more like… "oh wow I'd be attracted to someone with that kinda body - but it doesn't suit ME very well, now does it?"

    (I've also daydreamed about waking up as a 6-foot-tall cisgender guy :grin:)

    3. Hips: Like my chest, they're comparatively unfeminine and slender - but they're still far from being as masculine as I'd like. I just really dislike them, man. :icon_sad:

    4. "Bottom" dysphoria: Doesn't happen too often, but when it does it sucks. There's something missing down there, something empty, something incomplete.

    5. Social: Hate being referred to as a female. Want my friends to perceive me as unquestionably male. Love it when they tease me about my guyhood (most of them are female).
     
  20. GrumpyOldLady

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    Back in the day I discovered that I can almost get there if the dynamic is right, and I feel as if I'm in control. It might not be quite the same, but it can get pretty damn close, and it gets even better if you imagine having an outie instead of an innie. When I was young I could manage this the best with guys a few years younger than me, because a little age difference can change the dynamic a lot. Some guys don't mind being "taken", in fact they love it, and I've had encounters when it was possible to forget my gender.