Gender expression changes depending on mood?

Even though I'm transitioning, I'm still getting this sense of splitting and being more than one person. I'm tired of it.

In the beginning when I first started questioning my gender, I would wake up feeling female, have a shower, put my make up on, choose an outfit, get dressed and go to university. A few hours later, I would switch to feeling male and suddenly feel really anxious about my body and gender expression. I remember one day in particular I was walking into town wearing a sheer blue blouse with a floral pattern and just couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I couldn't think straight about what I needed to get done that day or what I needed to buy from the shops because all I was aware of was this blue blouse that I needed to get out of so I had to go home and change into something more bearable, a t-shirt and sweater.

This switching thing still happens now but whereas before I would be alternating between male, female and agender, now it's always male but different kinds of male. For example, when I'm feeling more cheerful, I wish I had the clothes to dress smarter and more fashionable but then when I actually buy them and wear them, I will switch and feel like I'm not that kind of guy. In the same way I had to get out of that blue blouse, I feel like I have to get out of these clothes and find something that aligns more with who I feel myself to be at that moment.

The two main things that change are my internal perceptions of my age and how masculine I am.

Sometimes, I feel younger than my age and see young men around their early 20s and wish to emulate how they dress. Other times I will want to match guys around my age and then there are times when I feel older than my age and fashion and keeping up to date (not just with clothing but everything in general) seems like something that has passed me by and is something for the younger generations. Then in terms of masculinity, sometimes I feel more at ease with having lived my life so far as female and accept myself as being somewhere in the grey area of the gender spectrum. At these times, my mind feels much more rational when it comes to gender expression/presentation. I realize that I can wear and do things that aren't extremely masculine and that doesn't mean I'm any less male but then if I see men who are extremely masculine, I switch and feel like that is where I need to be at and that there is an extremely masculine side of me that is fighting to get out. What drives these changes inside of me varies. It can be the people that I'm surrounded by or something internal. For example, if I'm surrounded by very manly men I will feel the need to align myself with them and become one of them or if I imagine myself as male (physically), that changes my perception of who I am as well. Either way, it doesn't feel like I have any control over these feelings. It's as though they come from somewhere inside me but not connected to me, if that makes sense.

Does anybody else have these kind of feelings? What are they about?

 

Nn.. Not to this extent..

But I notice I have days when I'm more femme than others. However, I think maybe cis guys even have those days.

 

Never. My wardrobe has always been, even in the old drag days, basically just a t-shirt and jeans. Now you can argue that back in my drag days, makeup was included but I stopped wearing daily a while after I started questioning myself.

It's actually really weird reading my old posts on here and seeing how I was actually open to doing drag as a guy. I have literally never felt the desire to since but all the power to any guys who do.

But the base outfit is a t-shirt and jeans. Overall though, I probably dress way better now than I did back then. Stopped keeping around ill fitting and damaged clothes, started adding nicer pieces in. I still have days where I know I won't leave the house and I'm fucking lazy so I'll throw on a ratty t-shirt that looked like it went on a Vietnam tour and go to town.

 

Hmmmm....what do you think this is then? Because it's making me doubt my whole gender identity. In fact it's making me question my whole identity. Maybe I don't have a clue who I am. I just know that whoever it is, it doesn't belong in this body.

 

You're not alone in that adaption thing... adapting in some way to others...
spending some time solitary each day might help... not too much, just to come down...

but it probably does not change the core of your gender idendity... you come back eventually...


(*hug*)

 

Yeah I know what you're talking about. It's really annoying... My gender changes, my gender expression changes and I have to live with it. But I'm getting used to it.

 

My gender presentation changes with stress levels: when I get more stressed (as objectively measured by eye twiches, insomnia, and crying after meetings with the boss) I tend to present more masculine, especially at home. But then when I'm stressed, the added anxiety caused by not blending in due to non-normative gender presentation, causes me to decide to present more feminine to blend in. I don't know if that makes sense.

Even though stress makes me present more feminine in some contexts and more masculine in others, I still think my behavior is consistent with my gender identity/presentation.

 

I've been experiencing this a little. I sometimes wondered if I was maybe more genderfluid, but then I shuddered at the thought. I am a guy. I know this. But somedays I feel my clothing doesn't match me. I'm on the general more calm, except these past few weeks have been stress and more stress so I think it's all part of it.

Recently my dad made a comment about me being more different. Apparently I'm more aggressive than I used to be but I don't know. I sometimes think when I came out I got rid of the barriers I put in place when trying to match the 'perfect girl' mold. And I guess some of that included not being so open with my anger? I don't know.

 

That sounds like an understandable form of disphoria. Perhaps you are, inside, a very masculine man and so when you see men like that you want to be that too. As for the smart outfits etc, that sounds pretty normal - anyone can get like that, no?

 

I don't know....I'm wondering if it has more to do with me being autistic. Its like....I don't feel like one person. I feel fragmented. I know that black and white, all or nothing thinking is one of the characteristics of autistic spectrum disorders and I'm wondering if its my tendency to think like this that is also responsible for me being a split personality.

In addition to the splits I described in the first post (i.e. masculine/not so masculine, younger/older) I have also noticed another two the last couple of days and I've been feeling really stressed about it. At heart, I would consider myself very autistic and pretty clueless when it comes to social situations. However, over the years I have learned how one should behave and respond socially so whenever I find myself in a social situation, that's when my fake social self comes in without me having to even think about it. I would say its more female because that's the gender I have looked to imitate my whole life up until now. That's another big problem, imitation. Without consciously trying, I find myself imitating people I spend time with regardless of their gender and I feel like I almost become them. Only when I remove myself from the situation and reflect on my own behaviour do I realise that I almost absorb other people's personality, the only reason I can think of being that I don't have a personality of my own. Anyway, going back to the 'social' me, once I get to be alone again, it can take some hours before I can reestablish myself and shed the fake persona I seem to take on and get back to being me, which however boring and unsociable is a lot more comfortable.

Another split I've noticed which to be honest has been around for a while now is that I feel like a different person after dark. In the day, I feel lighter but once the sun goes down I feel a darker mood/side to me emerges. Ironic that it coincides with light and dark, don't you think?

What the hell is all of this? I've read of people going through these type of feelings in the teenage years as they start to explore who they are and I suppose I never did do that so its happening now but its so difficult and uncomfortable to live like this,consyantly changing and shifting. I just want to feel settled down and in control of these dark and sinister sides of me.:bang:

 

Hi,
I'm not trans, but I can relate to how gender identity / expression can seem to shift and evolve over time. At first when I began to have what I regarded as 'female feelings', I was a bit confused as to my actual gender identity, it was like 'so I have a 'female side' and a 'male side', and I like both?' But gradually I am finding that *in my case* it's better not to label the feelings as male or female at all, and rather to just let them flow through me naturally, and not call them anything at all. I'm a rather androgynous bi guy who likes to wear girly kinds of tops, but I don't wish to have a female body and although I don't clearly identify (in spirit) as either guy or girl, at times I can feel like one, or the other, or both, or neither...and I love this sense of freedom, this fluidity and ambiguity. I was feeling attracted to an image I saw recently, a beautiful guy, and for a while I could not tell if he was male or female, so beautiful he was...and I suddenly realized that it didn't matter to me (I'm bi anyway) and I sort of 'released' myself from any need to label myself either; I felt like I had momentarily transcended the 'gender binary', that it also didn't matter what gender I was, either. That was an interesting experience. Of course your own journey is different to mine, but I just thought I would share how gender identity / expression is a journey that unfolds in it's own way, and that yes these 'moods' can sometimes just take hold and like a passing breeze, blow us in one, or another, direction.

 

I can't rest with this ambiguity though. I switch between extremes so frequently and as a result, feel that there's so much conflict within me. I can't find any peace. I want to feel safe. I want to feel that I can trust myself. I want to feel like a whole person. Instead I feel like there's a storm inside of me. I don't know who I really am. My moods and gender expression change several times a day. I am afraid that I am capable of terrible things and all the time, I am fighting off these dark and sinister shadows that lurk within me.

 

I'm genderfluid, so switching is par for the course with me, but it definitely links to my moods. I tend to identify as female a lot less when I'm depressed, for example.

Are you seeing a therapist? It sounds like you're fighting depression, anxiety, or some other disorder. Bringing stability to that aspect of your life might also stabilize your gender experience on its own.

 

Yes and I'm on meds for anxiety and depression. I'm also waiting on a referral for group therapy for personality disorders, though I'm unsure as to whether I have one because to me a lot of the symptoms coincide with Asperger's Syndrome which I'm sure I have, but again I'm awaiting a diagnosis. Perhaps it's possible I have both.

It's funny how mood affects gender.

 

I can relate very much.
You are simply very able to adapt.
One advantage is that you are often by others perceived as one of them, and in general likely to be liked by many. Thats a huge plus.

If you take some time every day to feel your true self, like relaxing a bit... maybe reading... you will see your true self is always there.
And you don't have to be afraid of some sinsiter sides of you. If you intend to react in an appropriate manner, it will be ok. Its like some kind of self confidence. Just trust yourself and intend to react appropriately. That means you can defend yourself, just don't have the intention to hurt others personally.

It might need some time to adjust to. Sometimes you might have the feeling you did adapt too much... you might think that over and later just say something...
and you might just in general say give me some time to think it over... giving you time to think about it when you feel more at ease.

This might be a source of resentment if you feel you adapted too much.
But if you know you can say something later.
And, as said, you might say you want to think it over.


Often people know if they overstepped. If you say in a reasonable manner look, this is not ok, and insist, you can stand for yourself.


Just trust yourself. Your true self is always there.

Its a matter of balance... to balance the outside with different sides of you.
It gives you the opportunity to really be liked by people if you can balance it with your own needs.
And this is just a matter of intention -not lashing out, but standing for oneself- and knowing that you might adapt too much, thus getting used to communication with people in a way that keeps you comfortable.


Over time, you will gain more and more self confidence, and practice will allow you to get along better with people you can click with.

Over time you will get a feeling for which people are ok to show more of you and which people should be told in clear manner what you want.


This should make your life much easier and relief you of some inner pressure.

You might think about talking with your therapist along those lines, that might help, too.



(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)