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Crippling dysphoria

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Oddish, Dec 20, 2014.

  1. Oddish

    Oddish Guest

    I've been dealing with terrible physical/body dysphoria for a few months now, and the pain is persistent and it's making me miserable. I've done literally everything I can do to try and combat it, from seeking counselling, medication, to improving my health through means of improving my diet and partaking in copious amounts of exercise. I've been on hormones for a while, I've had top surgery, I've exercised plenty and have muscles and a healthy lifestyle--why am I still in so much pain?

    I can't shake off the feeling that I am serving an invariable prison sentence for a crime I did not commit, and my jail cell is the body I have to live with every single day of my life.

    My bottom dysphoria has been flaring up like awful lately, and during some of my worst episodes, I've been inclined to harm myself down there, with scissors, boxcutters, letter openers, any sharp tool you can think of. It hurts knowing that, no matter how much money (for surgery) that I throw towards it, I will never have the "real deal." I'll never have a functioning penis, and I'll always have this gross.. disgusting, vile thing in-between my legs that I would give anything to rid of.

    I feel like I'll never be a real guy, either, because I was born female and will never have a biologically male body. I feel like a fraud - in most cases, I am a fraud. I'm so fucking jealous of cis guys who don't even have to worry about this shit on a daily basis, don't have to correct people to use the right pronouns, don't have to cower and worry about which bathroom to use without getting harassed and physically punished. When I wake up in the morning, and take a shower, I still feel oncoming panic attacks. Cis men can just wake up, take a shower, and continue on with their day with no hindrance because they were born in the right body.

    I'm tired of feeling so dysphoric and quite frankly, I want to die. A majority of the time. Knowing that I'll never have what I should have, and feeling disabled, limited in my quality of life, just because I can't even do basic tasks from getting dressed, to showering, without feeling panic... how the hell is that living? I'm just suffering, every single day. I want to break down and cry, but I can't even do that.

    I just needed to get this off my chest, and I know it's going to annoy people who clearly don't understand how much this is bothering me, but I can't do it anymore. I don't want to live in agony. I don't want to be a trans guy; I want to be a guy, and not have to suffer, to deal with this body, this body that continues to cripple me.. if any cis guy had to deal with this, even for one day, he would go fucking insane. And yet, I'm expected to deal with it for the rest of my life. What do I do?
     
  2. AsheTheHuman

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    I don't know. That's the thing about dysphoria. It's different for everyone, so there's never going to be just one solution. But I can sympathize. My dysphoria has been growing worse and worse lately. But I believe we can get through this and see a brighter tomorrow. Things WILL get better. I promise. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Oddish

    Oddish Guest

    I just don't know how to see a brighter tomorrow. I can't cope knowing that I'll never have a biologically male body, that I'll never be a "real" guy.. I'm going insane with my body, I feel like I'm being tortured. I've done everything I can so far, and it hasn't helped. Everything just feels so pointless. :frowning2:
     
  4. jay777

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    Please do not harm yourself, go to a therapist immediately.


    You might be grateful for what you have reached yet. There are others who would really like to have some kind of surgery, for example...

    Science makes all kind of progress.
    Never say never. Who knows what will be possible in the future ? Look at the computer age. Nobody would have thought of the progress...

    Most Cis people can not value what they have and are boxed in on their own insecurities... so coming from a trans point of view lets you really value some of your qualities... you can express them as good as possible and see where it takes you, with what you have... moderation and steadiness will lhelp you...

    I feel you. But just keep working at it, don't get upset, value what you have and work on that. Things will get better.

    Enjoy the coming days... give yourself a treat... sit down, have a hot cup of tea, and just enjoy the taste... enjoy the small things...


    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  5. Minnie

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    This is pretty much me just now, without any surgery.
     
  6. Oddish

    Oddish Guest

    How can I be grateful when my body is the wrong one? It doesn't matter how much surgery I have, I'll always have a biologically female body. I can spend hundreds, thousands, MILLIONS of dollars on surgery, and guess what? I WILL NEVER BE BIOLOGICALLY MALE. I essentially have to suffer every single day with the wrong body, like somebody played a cruel joke on me. I don't feel fortunate, or grateful. I can get my chest operated on, and my genitals operated on, cis guys can walk free with functioning parts... they don't have to worry. They don't have to spend money and have surgery to feel comfortable in their bodies. They have the right ones. I never will.

    I seriously want to commit suicide because of this. I don't know how to cope; I can't.
     
  7. Minnie

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    I'm not sure if this will help, but I found out a few months ago that you can have someone who is biologically female but chromosomally male - that is, they have the XY chromosome but have a vagina, breasts, etc etc. I think it's a form of intersexuality. So, perhaps trying to view yourself similarly could help - seeing yourself as a biological male with the female XX chromosome.
    There might also be advances in biotechnology in the future meaning you could have a functioning penis. Don't give up hope - just think of how rapidly our technologies are advancing.
    Also, I think gender can be to do with the wiring in your brain - so, you being male implies you have a male-wired brain. Hence there is a definitive biological part of you that is male.
    Although gender disphoria is a unique experience, there are people out there - cissexual and transexual alike - who have undergone so many surgeries in their lifetimes, be it cancer, birth defects, failing organs; and much like taking hormones daily, millions of people have to take meds every day for numerous conditions.
    I know that knowing others are in the same situation as you can do zilch to make you feel better or less alone, but so many get through. Somehow.
     
  8. Oddish

    Oddish Guest

    I've been aware of birth defects, namely those chromosomally, and I guess it helps somewhat. I just can't think of myself as intersex if I'm not, though, but I can take comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one, but my dysphoria is at an all-time high and even my trans friends can't relate. One of my best friends, a trans guy, has no bottom dysphoria to speak of, so when I mention it to him, he has no clue what to say.

    I even suffer in dysphoria to the point where other trans people personally can't even feel the same way. I just really, really hope that technology improves drastically so I can get a functioning penis one day, except I'm skeptical I'll even be able to afford something like that.

    I'm too envious of cis men because they don't have to worry about this shit whatsoever. I would kill to be cis. I would do anything. It's such a privilege to be born with the right body - and they all seemingly take it for granted. My dysphoria is always there, always persistent, and it will not ever fucking go away.
     
  9. Minnie

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    Maybe things will change with medical expenses. Some places, like the UK, cover SRS for free. Maybe you shouldn't see it as a privilege to be cis, since really we should all be able to take out bodies for granted (well, obviously within limits eg drugs, alcohol, fat intake etc). I'm guessing you're angry a lot?
     
  10. Oddish

    Oddish Guest

    Unfortunately, in Australia, SRS isn't covered, so I'm virtually fucked. That's my dilemma. I can't even get surgery I need to feel okay in my body, and not borderline suicidal all the time. Eh, I may take mine for granted in the fact that I am at least healthy, but I loathe that it isn't the right biological one, which causes me intense pain and distress. Yes, I'm incredibly bitter and have a short temper, why?
     
  11. Minnie

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    Maybe it'd be worthwhile finding ways to deal with anger if gender therapy hasn't worked? I can feel pretty angry a lot too.
     
  12. anonym

    anonym Guest

    Re: Crippling dysphoria nu

    Maybe you should stop comparing yourself to cis guys. You've said yourself that you will never be one so why make the comparison? Seems a waste of energy to me and you're preoccupying yourself with the negative.

    We all know that being trans is shit. In all honesty, I can't think of one good thing about it but for some reason, it's a fact of life for many of us same as having a terminal illness is for others.

    I don't know what to suggest other than to strive for what you think will make you happy and never give up. If that means getting genital reassignment surgery, then do whatever you have to to make that an option.

    I realised today just how tired I am from fighting but at the same time, I know I will never give up on this life until the last breath leaves my body. Survival is in our nature. I look at the world around me and see examples of it everywhere and I think it's beautiful.
     
  13. Minnie

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    Re: Crippling dysphoria nu

    Good advice anonym :slight_smile:
    And Oddish, why not set up a fundraiser? I'm sure lots of people would want to contribute.
     
  14. Oddish

    Oddish Guest

    Maybe it's the masochist in me that compares, especially when I'm incredibly dysphoric. Noticing cis men all around me, on campus, in stores, in my life... it's just a reminder of how unlucky I was when it came to my birth. I know dwelling on it doesn't help, but when I'm frustrated enough that I want to take a knife to my genitals, I really can't help feel nothing but envy at cisgender folks who don't have to experience these things.

    Hopefully SRS will be covered by insurance in some time, we'll see, although I desire something that works properly... but that most likely won't come for a while. I feel like I'm suffering and there is literally nothing I can do about it.

    About fundraisers, yeah, I could. Except I'm not sure how many people would be willing to help me with footing a $17k+ surgery bill, so I'm holding out for when insurance can cover for gender reassignment surgery.

    *sigh* either I just have to shut up and deal with it as is, or suicide, as my second option.
     
  15. Minnie

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    It's okay to get angry from time to time, but maybe some anger management techniques might help with your mood and the comparison. It sounds like you might be going into a cycle of frustration, self-anger etc.
    Might be worthwhile looking round the interwebs for any LGBT financial support organisations who could help raise money. Or you could win the lottery (or someone else on EC could and then contribute!). A lot of trans men today seem happy with their bottom surgery and their sex life - I know disphoria varies from person to person but the must be some who've been at the same level as you and have success stories to share. :slight_smile:
     
  16. BradThePug

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    I think that one thing that is important to remember is that you are not cis, so it is not fair to yourself to compare yourself to cis men. You keep saying that you are not lucky to have been born in the body that you were born in. You are lucky enough to have access to some transition care, so that is a good thing. Also, it may be worth researching bottom surgery, because there are some good options out there.
     
  17. Azarado

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    Hey, I know it's been 4 years, but It's the first time I encounter a person that I identify with so much. I hate being trans as well.
    I know is put too much hope to wait that In 2019 you will come back to this and see this reply, but if someday you do, please reply me too, I wish I could talk to you to see if you still feel this way...