It's Been a While (Long post, but advice needed)

Wow! Last time i was on this site i was a completely different person. Two years ago i had recently broken up with my boyfriend and was just starting senior year of highschool. Shortly after i started posting i unfortunately fell into a rebellious phase which was riddled with drugs and alcohol. However it is fortunate to say i have graduated highschool, moved out on my own, and am pursuing my art independently (for the time being). The drug abuse and depression, for the most part, is behind me.
Now i have this other problem.

So i've been openly gay now for close to four years now, and i have changed quite a bit. in secret i have always ... had an interest in cross dressing. I remember i started when i was quite young about five or so, and back in those days i literately prayed to God that he needed to put me back in the right, girl, body. I used to dream and wonder what life would have been like if i was a girl. Once i hit middle school i had started to seriously cross dress with my mothers clothes, and would lounge around in the late hours completely as a girl. I desperately wanted to move out as quick as possible, start taking hormones, etc. Im not quite sure how it all went down but once highschool started i had given it all up, and I decided i was fine with being male. After about a year into hs i admitted to myself (finally) that i was a homosexual. Throughout hs i messed around with cross dressing still but always would feel disgusted and deeply ashamed.
So now, at this point in my life i have come to accept my genderbender(?) nature. Most of my friends are aware of my quest for femininity (haha) but only as a male i guess. To this point i identify completely as male ... but i'm not sure if that is the case anymore or if it ever truly was. i see myself as more of a cross dresser or a gender bender personally but what if i would be happier as a women? was my young self correct in assuming im trans? I currently dress in both mens and womens clothing, i wear makeup often sometimes shave my legs, etc.


Am i crazy? should i see a psychiatrist? how can i accept myself or feel comfortable in my own body if i'm not even sure how i want to express myself, sometimes i'm acting very feminine and sometimes masculine ... I'm always happier when im bending. In much inner-turmoil HELP! :bang::eusa_doh::***::help: