I've been in denial about my sexuality and gender for so long that it's really hard. It's taken me so long to accept my sexuality to come out to my mom who was okay with it. But it's a whole another thing about my gender. I started puberty kind of late and when I did in my early teens I was just overcome with depression that kept getting worse. I stopped caring, just wanted to sleep forever, and I had way too much internalized self-hatred. Growing up I always believed that this was just my hormones acting up. I never thought I could be transgender for a long time since I believed in all those misconceptions: had to like same-sex only and to have known since childhood. But then growing up and hearing about the trans* community had me being left confused. I was willing to have myself think of me as agender but I refused to have myself think I was transgender. I had also gained weight since the start of my puberty giving me more of a feminine figure. Which I had been trying to convince myself that I should love that. When I heard about the existence of a binder a thought occurred to me, what would I look like with a flat chest? I liked the idea but I tried to tell myself not to venture forth, that this was for people with gender dysphoria and I was convincing myself I did not. But then as time passed it got harder to hide my feelings. I finally managed to buy myself a binder that I have been wanting. I tried it on and I felt better about my body. But this left me confused because it brought up the question is this what I always wanted? Do I really have gender dysphoria even though I have been telling myself I don't? Am I really transgender? But then if I am transgender and have gender dysphoria how can I possibly deal with that? I can't magically make myself a man, I will have to transition but who would support me? My mom already told me she doesn't understand the whole transition process and why anyone would go through that. How can I possibly afford that as a college student? And I worry about being in that transition process: being a man without the right genitalia. I'm just so worried about being put in that depressed state when I was young teen. I can dress and act like a guy but I will still look (though the binder helps a bit) and sound like a girl. :bang: ---------- Post added 22nd Dec 2014 at 04:48 PM ---------- As an added note I feel like I've been writing a lot of stories involving cismen and taking enjoyment as being a male character in video games because I know in the real world I am still female bodied.
The first part of your story sounds a lot like mine. I think it sounds like the idea of officially saying "I am transgender and that is final" is off-putting to you. That's fine! Take your time warming up to the label enough to properly try it on. I know the label didn't mean anything to me for a while because I was so determined to not be trans, like you said. And you don't have to stick with labels forever, either. I've already gone through 3. You can try to talk to your mom. Explain to her why this will make you a happier person. And if she won't support you, as long as you're financially independent you can live without her support. Lots of other people will support you. The trans community is actually pretty big, and trans people are being more and more accepted. Now, here's the part where you should take everything I say with a grain of salt and do your own research. Some of my facts could easily be off. There's different parts to transitioning. There's T, different surgeries, and other stuff too. You can do some, all, or none at all and still be a trans man. T is actually surprisingly affordable, from what I've read! You have to pay for therapy sessions in order to start it, and that might be a little pricey but insurance often helps out. Then once you actually get to purchasing T, with a little help from insurance it often doesn't cost more than $100 a month. If you're a bit frugal during college, it's not impossible to afford. Surgery is a different story. Pretty much all surgeries relating to trans guys cost thousands. All I can suggest for those is to save up little by little, maybe make a fundraiser, and bind/pack in the meantime. Here's where I got most of the info for T and here's a really good guide to ftm surgery. Good luck!
You might have a look here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/156085-i-just-im-kind-scared.html#4 You might think about talking to a gender therapist or someone from an lgbt center... or a counselor at college... there might even be support groups... You might think about building some community on EC... for now talking to others via wall messages and after 14 days applying for full membership and joining the chat... (*hug*)
