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Indirect Dysphoria?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by PossumJack, Dec 22, 2014.

  1. PossumJack

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    Some of the other threads on EC has got me thinking a bit...This is more of a long rant to sort my own thoughts out than anything else, to be honest.

    One of the things which makes me hesitate to identify as trans* male is the fact that until the past month or so I've never consciously realized the desire to have a male body. I've never liked having breasts or curvy hips, but most of the time I just sort of ignored my body and went on with life.

    But I've always knew I was different somehow. Even when I was five and going to primary school I just had this feeling of dissociation from the other girls, like they were a foreign species. I talked and played easily with boys, but they rarely played with me because I was "a girl" and thus not allowed in their games. I spent a lot of time daydreaming and reading on my own during that time. Another interesting thing is that whenever I played pretend as a child, I always wanted to be the male character from the TV show or movie we were acting out for fun. I grew up with a younger brother and we always like the same toys and games.

    I never particularly liked "feminine" things, but I never actively fought against my mother when she put me in a dress or anything. Even when during my teen years, I would complain about wearing dresses but wouldn't put up too big of a fight about it, and I can even admit I looked pretty good in some of them, though I never wanted to wear them. There were even occasions when I would wear a skirt voluntarily when I knew I wasn't going outside for the day, because it was summer and, well, skirts are undeniably breezy. I always had a love for suits though, and whenever I dress up in men's clothing I feel more confident in my own body and like I'm actually there. Other times, I feel this disconnection from the world physically, like I'm just a ghost passing through and my body isn't real.

    Another thing is that I feel like a lot of the things I did might have been a way to cope with my sense of dysphoria. I became extremely isolated after puberty. The boys socially rejected me for "being female" but I was too boyish to belong in any female social groups either. I ended up alone and developed obsessive interests in astronomy. I felt like if I put my concentration in learning and acquiring knowledge, it was easier to ignore social rejection and the outright scary changes my body was going through. The entirety of middle school was pretty much spent reading about stars, and during 8th grade I did make friends with a small group of equally "weird" kids that didn't quite fit anywhere else.

    My interests shifted to computer science during high school. Not only did I like the course, but it also made a great excuse to hang out with a large group of boys. I was the only person in CS class who isn't a cis-male, and I didn't feel out of place at all. If anything, I never felt more comfortable anywhere else in school. It was around that time that I started to identify as agender, though the label never fit as well as I wanted.

    One of the things I worry about is that because my sense of physical dysphoria isn't nearly as strong as many others, that I don't actually qualify as trans*. I know that I want to live as a man and be viewed as one socially, and I want to take HRT to make myself more physically male, but does what I experience actually count as gender dysphoria?
     
  2. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    You know, funny thing is, you actually sound a lot like what I was like when I was a kid. And that's sort of the thing to keep in mind. No one transition narrative is going to look the same but I think there's always a common thread that runs through everyone- someone grows up with a feeling of alienation or feels off-key for a reason that can be traced back to how they were assigned at birth or raised.

    I never fought with my mother to stay out of dresses. And yes, I had a doll and stuffed animal collection. But I remember being so jealous of my brother because he was a boy (and we had similar interests too), and loved the rare occasion when I got to wear boy clothing.

    In fact, I remember in middle and high school, I wore bras that were designed to round out my chest because I got it in my head that to "do drag" and pass as female like my mother wanted, my chest wasn't feminine and so looked more distinctively moobish over anything else.

    Dysphoria, I believe, exists at some level for every trans person. It's experienced differently but it's there. For instance, someone might not have bottom dysphoria but experiences pretty severe social dysphoria.
     
  3. Tai

    Tai
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    I'm the same way. I always felt "ghostly" (no other way I can think to put it) where I never really paid attention to my gender/expression too much, but I always felt like something was off. I did, however, fiercely fight for myself when my mother tried to dress me up in girl clothes. She usually won in the end, but there were a fair amount of times where I got my way.

    I still know I'm trans in that area. Thinking back, if I were given boys' clothes, I don't think I would have complained.
     
  4. Rynthae

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    Hi ConfusedPossum,

    I can definitely relate to a lot of your experiences... I identify as genderfluid because there are times where I do feel feminine and want to look pretty and stuff, but a large chunk of the time I feel more boyish and loathe my breasts and hips. Most girls that I knew as a kid always played pretend as princesses... but I always aspired more to the role of a prince or knight. This became the most apparent to me when a friend of mine threw a medieval-themed birthday party when I was thirteen or so... and all of the girls showed up in dresses or long skirts. I was the only one who showed up in leggings and a handmade tunic with my family crest....

    Sorry for the long rant, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I really think that dysphoria is really a spectrum, and it is different for each person even if there is a lot of common ground. Really, you are the only one who can say whether you are trans or not -- and your experiences are not any less than anyone else's. As corny as it sounds, follow your heart and try to focus more on what makes you happy than what other people expect. :slight_smile: Your happiness matters more than public opinion!
     
  5. lymanclark

    lymanclark Guest

    I, too, never felt that active, burning desire until about a year and a half ago. Or rather, I might have felt it, but I wasn't conscious of that. What I was conscious of were other feelings, strange ones I couldn't quite explain:

    The way I felt like gagging and vomiting every time I felt my breasts. The pride I felt at having strong, broad shoulders, tiny breasts, and androgynously skinny hips. The way I would look at myself, topless, in the mirror, with my long hair and small waist, and see a boy. The way I would dress as masculinely as possible whenever I participated in activities I enjoyed - and, when I dressed that way, the way my back would straighten and my walk would change from timid and tiptoeing to a militaristic stride.

    When I got into cross-dressing - an interest that quickly morphed into a much stronger desire to be male. To be even broader-shouldered and flatter-chested, to have the ability to grow a little mustache, to speak in a baritone and proudly watch my Adam's apple bob.

    When I wore a binder for the first time, saw my totally flat chest, and knew that this was right for me. (!)

    So yeah, dysphoria can manifest itself in many ways. If you're a guy like me - clumsy with emotions, sheltered, a little immature - you might not realize that you're even feeling dysphoria until a comparatively late age. Until the age of 16, I was a perfect princess: pink, frilly dresses, doll collection, tea parties…

    But hey! This little princess grew up into a man - and maybe that's happening to you, too.
     
  6. wanderinggirl

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    This response was incredibly validating. Thanks.
     
  7. lymanclark

    lymanclark Guest