Being patient with people is getting really hard...

I have tried to give my family time to adjust to the situation. I have tried to explain things. I have been calm and understanding. They accept me but don't really understand as well as they think they do. They keep calling me "a girl" all the time. My mother has said "but you are not a man". My sister almost got mad when I said I wan't to be stealth after transitioning. She thinks it's wrong. Yeah. I should just blurt it out right away every time I meet someone because everybody clearly has the right to know what's in my pants. Even my safety doesn't matter because if I am afraid I should not even transition. I quickly changed the subject. Odd that she doesn't think I should also go around shouting about me being queer. How come that is so private then?

Clearly I have absolutely no right to feel frustrated or upset because this is hard for them. Yeah, I know it is but come on! I wish being trans really was as easy they think it is. There would be no more suicides or anything. Or this suffocating dysphoria.

Next time I visit here I won't let this happen again. I don't want to ruin this holiday for them but this will be the last time I let this happen. I visit them again after two months. They have had more time then and maybe they could stop calling me a girl or a woman all the time. I will stop responding anyway. Then I will also be able to get out of here quickly if I need to.

Sometimes I feel really lonely. I am still together with my partner who doesn't accept me fully as a man. There is no one I can talk to. No one who sees me as a man. The future is looking good but I still feel like I am stuck. Everything will take maybe years and these giant moobs keep hanging there and making me uncomfortable in every way they can.

How do you cope with your cishetero family and others around you?

 

I think they just really don't get what we are going trough and they think they know better. I keep telling myself that I know I am right about this but hearing these things constantly is starting to be really frustrating. If I would show any sign of being annoyed or angry they would just think I am being unreasonable and childish and get mad because it's "so hard" for them.

I wish I could just go into a cocoon like a caterbillar and sleep there until my transition was done.

 

Maybe you are right. They are ok with me transitioning but they refuse to understand what I am and what I am not and why I am transitioning. They seem to think that this is like I am going to get a nose job or something.

This must end. I will talk to them about this next time. If they get mad I have learned something about them. I would be really happy if they could just be more gender neutral with me. For now it would be enough.

I really was thinking only a while ago that they are taking this really well. Apparently they are not.

 

This trans issue really seems to bring up both best and worst from people. Things were ok with my family before. I thought they had changed but it's just like before. My word has never had much value to them. No wonder I grew up to be so insecure. It's about the time I start being more assertive. If I give them a chance to walk all over me they will.

I am starting to realize that I have really been in denial. I couldn't allow myself to think like this. As a child I learned I am never right after all.

Autopilot would also be nice. It would be great to just live in a wonderful dreamland and not even remember anything else while autopilot deals with all the crap and after everything is set it would automatically summon the happy dreamer back.

 

I am starting to suspect that they are playing ome sick mind game with me. Was cleaning the house and I needed help. My mother shouted to my sister: "Xxxx! Come to help your SISTER!!!" Then she looked at me like waiting a reaction. My step sad did the same to me yesterday. The same look and everything. My chest felt like it was going to burst with rage. I could't say anything because I was just so mad. I can imagine them planning to do somehing like that and laughing at me behind my back.

I think I need to get out and take a long walk. After that I am going to ask them to stop. They don't need to call me a son, brother or a man yet but I just can't stand this any longer. I planned to talk about this a lot later but I am too full of this. I am already getting paranoid. They can still use my old name if they like. That should be enough.

 

These people are so unpredictable. I tried to talk about this after I was called a girl five times a row but then my mother just started to yell about something irrelevant before I could open my mouth. Now I really don't feel like bringing this up. I don't want them to use it as an excuse to yell at me because they didn't get their favourite cereal for breakfast or something and they need someone else to feel crappy too. This is too important.

I don't have anyone else but my family and spouse. I am planning to go to a support group for trans people if I find one. Local LGBT associations arrange all kinds of things. I should check it out. I could use some understanding in real life. And I really need a friend. Or a even just some company that doesn't make me want to tear my hair off.

I know it's hard to adjust. It would propaply be hard for me too. I just try always to consider how my words and actions affect to others.

 

I talked about this to them. Mom said she will try to get this right. Step dad said nothing. I hope things will improve.

I really should just open my damn mouth when I need to.