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Will I Ever Be Truly Comfortable Or Happy?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by eofox, Dec 29, 2014.

  1. eofox

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    So in the last month and a half or so I have come out to my mom, since then my emotional, mental, and even physical health have all kind of deteriorated. I knew beforehand that she wouldn't be accepting nor try to accept me and she has mentioned on multiple occasions that I have either evil spirits inside of me or I am having problems with repentance or something along those lines...

    That isn't the point though, since telling her I have barely dressed in "comfortable" clothes or done anything that I normally would have done to help my dysphoria. My fear and anxiety have also increased drastically which has triggered my default coping mechanism, which is basically whenever I feel any strong emotion I completely repress it with anger and hatred. So much so that I'm basically being completely controlled by my fears.

    Last Tuesday (23rd) on the way home from work I had an emotional breakdown, but ended up suppressing all of it until Christmas Day. On the 25th I had some of the most severe dysphoria I've ever felt in my life involving basically an extreme emotional break down every time male pronouns were used or someone gave me a present that involved obviously masculine items (such as specific clothing).

    Over the last 8 days I've had neck pains that have caused severe headaches. I can only assume this was from staying in bed all of the time and literally having no exercise. This lack of ambition has also lead to me not showering for about a week at a time, which makes me feel absolutely disgusting, as well as doing no laundry, barely eating, my hygiene is nearly non-existent at this point and I barely feel like doing anything. My life is basically go to work, do my job, pretend to be extremely interested, and go home.

    Today was probably the worst though. I went to a chiropractor for my neck and the place was completely empty. The secretary asked what my preferred name was, generally I would've said Zo since it's not incredibly feminine or masculine as my preferred name is Zoey. However, I responded with my birth name with extreme and obvious disdain, to the point that the secretary obviously noticed.

    I feel like the more people I come out too the less and less I actually act or present in the way that I'd like. I can't even take responsibility for myself and take anti-depressants on a daily basis. Over the last few days my self-esteem has dropped so far and so fast that today there was literally no inkling of my actual personality in any interaction, it was all just a manipulative mask to get things over with as fast and as sweet as possible. I feel like at this point there is literally nothing that would help considering me not even having the ambition necessary to even take the time to put on different clothes while I'm home...

    The only reason I can think of is neither of my parents are honestly comfortable with who I am as a person, but if that affects me so much how am I supposed to be who I am anywhere. I'm just so tired of constantly feeling like I'm just a weak human being. I just don't know what to do anymore... Any advice? :icon_ques
     
  2. I am Kakashi

    Full Member

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    First thing is, as much as I know you will hate hearing it, and this is advice that I rarely take when it is given to me, but please please please PLEEEEEEASE go back on your anti-depressant, and take it every day! I know it super sucks to not have the motivation for anything, trust me, I do, but the amount of trans suicides, compared to the normal population, is STAGGERING. I am so glad you reached out. We are here for you but the meds can help a LOT. :slight_smile:

    As for the other things: Your parents are going to treat you as different/ trans/ unrepentant etc regardless of what you wear now. So, to be blunt, you might as well go back to how you were dressing/ acting before you came out, or take it even farther. They aren't going to understand anyway, so you might as well do what you like, and whatever you can to stave off dysphoria.

    Do you think you gave the receptionist your birth name, in an attempt to subconsciously go back into the closet? Or trying to please your parents?

    So the rest of these are dependent on your age. And may be difficult or even impossible right now. But even if they are unattainable right now, they may be options in the future.

    1) Find a gender therapist. they are specifically trained to help you with these exact issues. Or, at worst, talk to your regular therapist about these things, and possibly upping/ changing your meds.

    2) Finding/ attending a LGBT or just trans support group in your area or school. Even if you are under 16, or don't have a car for whatever reason, they often do ride shares and that kind of thing.

    3) The hardest one, and not the best idea when you are depressed, but could be used as a motivator. MOVE OUT. If you are 17+, start planning on getting the hell outta there! If you plan on going to college, even if it's close, maybe staying on campus would be better than staying with the parents. If you are already 18 and/or in college, but rely on mom and dad to help pay for things, then you have to compare your life now versus working more and/or having less 'fun money' to get your own place and be able to be yourself.

    Whatever you decide, we will be here for ya. ^__^