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Are you obligated to come out to a partner?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by darkcomesoon, Dec 29, 2014.

  1. darkcomesoon

    Full Member

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    Location:
    New Jersey
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I saw a thread in the coming out section about whether one is morally obligated to disclose their orientation to a partner, and I was wondering what people thought about this in regards to gender? If you're dating someone, but you're not out yet, are you obligated to come out to them? What if they're not generally attracted to people of your gender (e.g. closeted transman dating a lesbian)? Does that change anything?
     
  2. MsEmmzy

    Full Member

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    Location:
    BC, Canada
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Generally it's a good idea.. How would you feel if your partner was keeping something that important from you? Just make sure you trust them because you never know how things might go.
     
  3. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    If I'm understanding you right, then yeah, it's essential. in fact, it could be dangerous to you not to. for example, and again I apologize if I'm not understanding you right, but lets say you are a female but with male genitalia still, and you are attracted to a man who is totally straight. If you were getting passionate, and all of the sudden her realized that you had a penis, it could end terribly wrong.
     
  4. NingyoBroken

    NingyoBroken Guest

    It's not that you are "obligated".


    It's that not telling would be a pretty bad idea.
     
  5. I am Kakashi

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    What you are describing is a transitioned transwoman that hasn't had bottom surgery.

    I think "not out" we would assume pre-transition, so I think the OP meant a person born with a vagina/ DFAB/ FAAB person dating a lesbian, but the persons gender is actually a man. So should that person be obligated to tell the lesbian girlfriend that they are actually a man. And the opposite would be DMAB/MAAB/ transwoman who is still seen as male dating a gay man. Should she come out to her boyfriend that only likes men.

    This is a bit hard for me to put myself in that situation, since I'm pansexual but I think it would be in everyone's best interest to come out to your partner if things were getting serious, or if they were getting close to coming out and/or transitioning. I think if you've been dating someone a few months, sharing something that intimate would have to be talked about for the relationship to grow. Not to mention, dating someone who sees you as your assigned birth, especially if you were sexually active, would be extremely dysphoric, I would think.

    As for MORALLY, eh, not that I don't have them, but I live my life based on what is right for me. I would never tell another person that they needed to or SHOULD come out to their partner, although if it was a friend asking my personal opinion, I would definitely encourage it.
     
  6. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    thanks for that explanation!!! sometimes I get confused by the terminology. labels can be such a pain. anyway, in that case I take back what I said about it being dangerous, and change it to "it depends." yeah, a bit of a change, eh? it depends on the nature of the date and the relationship. if it is a casual getting to know you or a just having fun date, I don't think it matters. If you are dating like a regular thing and we are really talking about having a relationship, then it seems like you would want to share that just because we share so much of our intimate stuff when we are in a relationship, and that would seem to fit into that category. but as far as the word "obligated," I don't see that there is an obligation. Only you have a sense of how deep the relationship is, and how much of yourself you want to share with a person.
     
  7. Michael

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Yes. A relationship is based on mutual respect, that includes being honest.

    Well... You can get rejected, or... He or she can tell you "ok, no problem, I'm with you".

    It depend on what your partner values on you - Your circumstances (physical) or your essence (your personality). There is also relationships without sex between both partners.