I can't stand being home. It's so oppressive. My father is still stuck in 1950 and doesn't even acknowledge other races as people. He actually considers them a separate species... He can't even comprehend "accepting" & "LGBT" in the same sentence. Being home is also lonely. My old high school friends don't invite me places, and I get the feeling they don't want to have me around. I'd like to reach out to some of them, but I don't really know how to go about doing that without being awkward, and the one friend I have reached out to, who I was really close with once, has been very reluctantly talking to me.... But the part that is really killing me is having to put on the full facade all day. At home I can at least privately be myself, and I can take small steps towards expressing who I am, but now, with my family, I'm on full show and it's exhausting. I'm about 1/3rd of the way through a month long stay here and idk how much longer I can keep this up. I read this today satan's wifey and it's really gotten to me. I feel much the same as she did, isolated, afraid that I will never be happy with myself/my relationships with other, oppressed by an ignorant family that will never accept me. In some ways I envy her, having escaped this situation... I've been feeling very depressed the past week, and haven't been sleeping... I've been fighting the feeling though. I don't want to let it take me. I've been so good the past 6 months. I managed to climb out of the deepest depression I've ever had. I began to be honest with myself about my gender for the first time. I felt like shattered glass for many months, but even that feeling went away and I was content, dare I say happy... but now I feel I'm on the edge once again... Sorry to be such a downer. I just had to this off my chest.
I noticed you're not out yet. If you think you're ready, I think this would be a great time to come out. As you were saying, you recently got out of a deep depression and now you're worried about slipping back in.. Why not talk about that? If your parents truly love you they should at the very least aknowledge how you're feeling. If your father is still stuck in the past, try showing him online resources, books or whatever else you can find. Try showing him stories of other trans* people and show him how happy they felt afterwards. If you don't feel that comfortable with it yet, you could always head home early. I know that your family might be dissapointed, but it may actually help them to realise that something's bothering you. Don't worry about being a downer either! We all need to get stuff off our chest from time to time and it's always nice to have a good community willing to listen and help. Best of luck to you, no matter what you decide to do! I'm always here if you want to talk about anything. (*hug*) (*hug*)
I wish you better mood soon, sometimes its useful to summarize your feelings either here or just in your head, with your family- it can be hard at first but maybe after some time it can be settled down a little bit and your relation with your family may be better and better
