For the past few months I've been (re)questioning my gender identity and I'm still a bit lost. For the most part, I present myself in a generally pretty masculine way (mannerisms, clothing, etc.), but socially I'm more stereotypically feminine. Not in the way that I speak or anything, but in the way that I relate to people, and how I have a very large capability of empathy. I identified as purely FTM trans for a while, but I started picking apart myself, telling myself that I wasn't 'male enough' or that I wouldn't pass. A lot of people helped me out of that rough time, and gave me some really good advice, but lately I've been thinking, what if I'm not 'male enough' because I'm not really 100% male? And then I started thinking about other identities, and for the most part, I had locked myself down as agender. Why? Because it gave me the most freedom in my presentation of self, and didn't mandate who I needed to be. But now I'm wondering if I identified as agender because of some internalized concept that all men have to be über manly. Anyone have any thoughts on this? I apologize for the word vomit; it's late/early and I've been up all night.
I can't actually tell you whether you're male or agender, but I would like to point out that men can be capable of empathy or being feminine. To me I feel like it's good to be like that, masculinity itself isn't bad, but there is a sort of toxic masculinity in society that dictates stuff about how men can't be emotional or cry, and in my opinion it's all BS. I can relate to this as I used to identify as agender because I felt I wasn't manly enough, and I liked the freedom that came with being agender. Eventually I realized I was just a slightly androgynous guy, and even though I'm alright with that I still feel some pressure from society about how I can dress and act now. So for me it was mostly an issue with gender roles. But you might actually be agender, or you might be male. I can't really say, I just hope my story helps a little since I struggled with the same thing.
You might have a look here: emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-gender-identity-expression/149111-am-i-ftm.html#4 and here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gende...9807-figuring-out-my-gender-identity-s.html#4 there are many different viewpoints there... I'd say take your time, and if you have further questions, just ask here... and you might think about talking to a gender therapist, or a counselor at school, or someone from an lgbt center... (*hug*)
I sometimes feel that part of being male is the pressure itself, so I guess that's perfectly normal. It can be competitive, but everyone's used to it so there's almost never any masculinity "war" going on. Exceptions might include parties and social events with lively chatting. There's likely to be light-hearted sparring about random topics that keep escalating as people share their stories, have drinking games, or dare each other. One great feature of masculinity is that a touch of vulnerability, such as asking for someone's advice is generally considered non-threatening, and it also boosts the ego of the person being asked, so guys can be really open and helpful. On the other hand, I sometimes feel uncomfortable expressing myself as too feminine (even though part of me really wants to), and for the most part it seems like unjustified fear about social expectations. But that doesn't stop my inner identity being what it is. I wonder how many other guys want to closet themselves with more 'masculine' clothes, only because they think it's socially expected.
