I need help with my gender Identity.

Ok, so as you may be able to see from my profile, I am actually toying with the idea of being a demigirl.

Basically, from what I understand, being demigender is about identifying partly as one gender, sometimes mostly, but not completely.

I go through periods of times where I feel like the girl in the mirror just isn't me, and I feel totally separate from who I see. I'm not dysphoric, I don't want to be a boy. But sometimes I want to be a bit less than a girl, or genderless. And then the next day I'm totally fine with being a girl and I could go out in a dress and flower crown.

I feel like it today, and I feel like I don't even want to see myself in the mirror because it isn't me. It's not even my body that's the problem, it's my face and my hair. I look so feminine and it's annoying. I would love to at least look like someone whose gender you can't identify straight away. The sort of person you'd have to ask about their gender and pronouns. And quite honestly I'd prefer them/they pronouns today if I was asked about it.

And who knows, tomorrow I might wake up and be happy with being a girl again. Maybe I'll be the same as today. I don't know.

Am I just being weird? Do most people go through phases like this, am I just going through a phase? This has been on my mind for a while and I've just let it eat away at me, I should know better because as soon as I came here about my sexuality I managed to find out that I was a lesbian and knowing who I was made me feel a lot better. But hey, does anyone have any idea whether I could be demigender or whether this is normal? (There's not a whole load of resources on the internet for this, so I've had to come straight (well.. A bit less than) here.)

Thanks!

 

The only thing I'm sure about is that I am not a boy. I wouldn't identify as male, and I don't want to be called by male pronouns.

I know I don't have to be all dresses and tiaras, but sometimes I am. There are some days where I would be happy in a full ball gown with long hair and a flower crown, and these are the days where I'm mostly happy with the girl in the mirror. There are some days I am still a girl, but I am a bit more tomboyish and the person in the mirror is a bit more girly than I'd like but I'm still fine. There are some days where I am quite simply not a girl, and I walk past a mirror and avoid looking at it because that isn't me. My hair is too long, my face is just too feminine. I'm never uncomfortable about my body parts though, I would like to bind my breasts when I'm like this but I wouldn't get rid of them because I'm happy with them when I'm girly. But I'm not a boy, I'm just nothing. I am just a person. I've tried for a while to convince myself that when I'm like this, I'm just feeling unconfident with my body, and I'm just being dramatic. But I'm not. I've realised that I'm not being silly and I want to be referred to as them or they. Not her or she. And these three main stages occur randomly.

Thank you for your help so far ^^ and that would be great, Seige! Thank you <3

 

I might just spend a while looking at different gender identities. For now I may as well identify as somewhat genderqueer. I never thought that I could be genderqueer because I thought that it was simply just boy and girl, and I never feel like a boy. I will probably have to put up with female pronouns for a while longer, people at school took long enough to get their heads around the term 'lesbian' let alone poking 'genderqueer' and 'demigirl' at them. Oh how I wish we actually learned about this stuff.

I wish I could cut my hair short too. My mum reacted badly when i asked a few weeks back. And she reacted badly when I tried to come out as lesbian. The first thing I'm going to do once I'm independent of her is have my hair cut.

 

One thing I'm struggling with when looking at these is how 'male' and how 'female' I am, because it changes. And I'm never male, I'm just not female, if that makes sense? Or at least I don't want to look so female. And I think I'll always identify as lesbian because for the most part I'm a girl and I really don't want to make this even more complicated than it already is.

And I think now that I've started looking at this I'm going trough a denial phase because I just keep telling myself that I'm cis and I'm just being stupid, and practically having arguments with myself. Is this normal?! I also keep panicking that people will think I am doing this for attention. And then I wonder if I am actually doing this for attention and whether I have convinced myself I am like this wrongly and then I start really panicking about everything and having inner wars because I know that part of me isn't comfortable sometimes, but am I just being stupid because I don't like the way I look?

And then a moment later I calm down and realise that I'm not being stupid then that silly niggling doubt comes back and I want to lay on the floor and block it all out of my head.

 

Thanks guys. I really appreciate the help.

The main problem is I know I have three main stages of my gender, and they are pretty much Female, Tomboy, Neutral. But I can't find a term that explains the fluidness between the three. There's Demigender, which is looking the clearest to me so far, as seen as I mostly identify as female, then there's that androgynous part. But I'm confused because there's also Demifluid and Demiflux which explains the fluidness between them but I don't really understand what it means for some reason. And resources for these are really difficult to find because it's non-binary and there is not an awful lot of material out there on it :/

---------- Post added 3rd Jan 2015 at 09:51 PM ----------

I mean, here is some of the only things I can find about them on the whole of the internet.
nonbinary resource

 

That makes sense, thank you

Well, it's like 12:23am now but about 40 minutes ago I decided to try and see how masculine I could get, so I put my hair up in a bun at the base of my head and left my (too long) fringe out, and used that to make my face look a little less round and this is what I ended up looking like:

imgur: the simple image sharer

imgur: the simple image sharer

I know I don't look great and I don't have a beanie or anything, plus my fringe is really long I mean this is me before

imgur: the simple image sharer

(The lighting is rubbish it's from a lamp because it's 11:50 at night when I took these)

But I'm just happy because I'm not as hopelessly feminine as I thought I was. Now I just need to get my hair cut and get a load of beanies XD because looking like this all day would make me happy on days like today

 

I'm on another one of my 'not girl' days today and I want to get rid of all the mirrors so I can't see my stupid hair and girly clothes

 

I'd love to, but I don't have a whole lot of neutral clothes. It's part of the reason I was upset yesterday, because we went out to lunch so I was dressed in a tight top and leggings, and looked really girly. But when I can, I wear loose hoodies and baggy jeans.

I don't have a lot of freedom, I don't leave my home a lot. Otherwise I would just go out and get a pixie cut. I'm going to as soon a I get the oppertunity.

Also, school starts again tomorrow. If I feel less than girly, I can put my hair in a bun at the base of my head but there's nothing I can go to look more androgynous. Our uniform is gendered too so I have the girls blazer and trousers and it shows. I hope I feel girly tomorrow :/

 

Yeah, they're rubbish. At least if we didn't have them, I could wear a hoodie and baggy jeans.

I don't want my hair super short, but it's easier to look feminine with short hair than it is to look androgynous with long hair. And right now my hair is down to my chest. Even my fringe is too long. I wear makeup when I feel girly, but when I don't feel girly what's the point of trying to make myself look better if I don't like my appearance anyway? I don't use makeup for anyone but myself so what's the point? I may as well go out looking as awful as I feel.