Hi, this may be a little long, sorry. I don't have people around to talk about this without feeling stupid. I've never questioned my gender identity until some years ago, when I became aware of the transgender term and, reading people's stories, I could notice that I could relate to some of them. I am dfab, but when I was a kid I always had this "fantasy" of being a male. I really wanted to have male parts, I would play with my cousin and pretend I was a guy and it felt great, like "yes, this is who I actually am", I liked being referred to as a male. But I thought they just were stupid thoughts. I've lived all my life as a female just fine, although I never truly felt like one. When people address me as a "girl" it doesn't feel wrong, it just feels... not quite right. I look at myself in the mirror and feel I am both things at the same time. Like inside of me there's a woman and a man. Most of the times I feel like a combination of the two, but sometimes I feel I'm none of them. For the past few months I've been really obsessed with the idea of cutting my hair short, of wearing sport bras so my boobs don't show, of deepening my voice, of changing my name to something more gender-neutral. But I also don't experience dysphoria. Yes, I would love to have a penis, but I'm okay with my female parts. I like my boobs, I am comfortable with myself. But some days I want to hide all of that and just... be a guy. I don't know if I am just a tomboy cis girl, or if I am transgender. I'm really, really confused and... it's hard to ask, because it looks like I am just a cis girl trying to make excuses to be "special". Sorry if I offended anyone, or if my words came out as transphobic, and thanks for reading!
I was kindof in the position you are in, and still am; some days I think I hate being female, others I think it's not that bad it just feels really restrictive if I play by the rules. So I make up my own rules! Try doing a few reversible things: wear sports bras, or mess with clothing, or even cut your hair short, and see how it feels. For me, for example, binding feels great but packing doesn't; wearing androgynous clothes feels good but very masculine or very feminine doesn't; cutting hair was like breathing a sigh of relief but going to a barber shop is nervewracking. You'll eventually find where you lie on the spectrum; maybe you'll cut your hair, bind, wear androgynous clothes, and find that it's still not masculine enough; or maybe you'll find that it's too masculine. Let yourself go with your instinct.
