I can't figure out how I feel about my gender identity. A few months ago I was so sure that I was trans, but then I recently got into a relationship which has done nothing but confuse me and add stress to my life. He has no idea that I feel this way; he thinks I'm probably just a very tomboyish girl. I don't know why, but all of a sudden I've had a lot of guilt about being trans. I feel like I am ungrateful and it'll ruin my family's life if I come out. I swept it under the rug for a little over a month now because it got too overwhelming to deal with. I thought I was content in my body and maybe it was a phase, but a family member accidentally called me "sir" and it threw me out of whack. He corrected himself, but I wanted to tell him it was fine. When ever I'm watching a movie, I zone in on certain male characters and think "I want a flat chest so bad!" or "I want my voice deep like his." That causes me so much Dysphoria. I can't see myself in the future as a woman, wife, mother, etc. At the same time, I'm terrified to be how I feel because all I know how to function is as a girl.
Actually, I totally get this. I vacillate too - I feel male like 90% of the time, but occasionally I'll get these moments where I want to dress up as the girliest girl possible - dress, tights, high-heels, eyeliner, lipstick, jewel-encrusted headband. And that's when I fall into doubt - "am I really trans? How can I be trans if I enjoy dressing up sometimes?" But I realized something. I do that to get OTHERS to approve - to please my mom, to make my friends think I'm normal, to maybe impress a girl sometime. Because I'm not a handsome guy - I'm too small and "pretty" to be an average dreamy teenage boy. But maybe I can be normal, even pretty, as a girl. It's easier to just be a girl. I won't have to face my family members' disapproval and my friends' discomfort. I think you should do what you want. Don't let the fear of others' anger or disapproval prevent you from being yourself.
What do YOU think? Not "what will your family say." or "will this ruin my family life". Your family has no effect on who you are as a person. You are you. If you feel like youre a guy then you ARE a guy. I can really relate with the dyaphoria though.
I think that you need to separate who you are and who your family wants you to be. it is easy to get these two mixed up, since family does have a lot of control over who you are when you are younger. So, to step out of that box can be scary. What matters is your happiness. If you are happy being a tomboyish female, then I would not change that since it seems to be working.
Same here with the family. I consciously do certain things now and then to please but it doesn't change the way I feel inside.
