It's 3AM and I can not sleep so I'm writing this, my very first post on here. Why? Because my loving fiancée isn't here to support me like she always does. I'm stuck at my parents for a month and I know that if I came out to them they would not be accommodating. I know how much theybtried to get a son after they got my sister and dad is so proud over his "son" as long as he makes sure I act like one. Every time I slightly deviate from masculinity he objects and me, always wanting to make him proud, never dares to stand up for myself. In fact, the first thing he said when he picked me up was commenting on my long hair and how I'm going to cut it. Not "should" but "going to" and now I'll probably lose the hair I've spent the year since I moved growing. Being back here where I can not be myself is.... Confining. I feel like a prisoner. And I feel like such a bitch complaining because I live in Sweden. Transitioning here is -so- easy and I'm privileged to live here and yet I am complaining. What's more, I'm complaining to a bunch of strangers. It might sound like an insult to some, but I'm not the opening type. Despite that, I wanted to try coming here because maybe some people on here can be an asset to me and maybe I can be an asset to somebody else. And maybe, just maybe, I'll find some friends on here.
Everyone has it better than someone. It doesn't make your own pain any less real. It's probably that much more painful that you live in a country where transition is easier, because it's still impossible for you with the situation you are in with your dad. We will help in any way we can. All I had to read was "It's 3AM again" . I have been there so many times. So ashamed and hopeless and scared, and on top of it knowing I had to go back to pretending in just a few short hours. (*hug*) Welcome to EC.
No problem. It's good to let out your feelings. It isn't healthy to keep them inside yourself. You will have plenty of support here. Welcome to EC.
:welcome: Welcome to EC! This is definitely the place you need to be. People listen (or read, technically), and often have some good ideas. Your situation with your dad sounds pretty tough. I'm sorry that you're going through that. Your hair is a pretty personal thing, and it seems like boundaries really are the issue. Can you start looking for some places where you can set boundaries, and tell him that no, that is a line that can't be crossed? It would be ideal to draw that line with your hair. Like, "gee dad, that's a thought. I'll let you know when I need to find a barber."
My thoughts... Strangers on a personal level, but not on our feelings and what we are going through. Your dad seems very controlling. I've had seen a few like him, and it's hard to make them consider another point of view as valid as his, but if you don't stand up for yourself, nobody will. It's going to be a long, hard and painful way, you'll need tons of love and patience, but you'll get there. We are not living on the 50s, it's 2015. Don't let anybody tell you how to live your life. That is probably what your grandad did to your dad, and now he is just imitating him, thinking it's "the right way to be a father"... You could change all this. Welcome, and feel free to post anytime you need a friend. (*hug*)
Here are a few resources and ideas: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gende...9807-figuring-out-my-gender-identity-s.html#4 The link for androgynous people might not be for you... The general idea is that its biological... meaning its not a whim, its not the parents fault, etc... The pdf is for the british national health service, a reputable source. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/156085-i-just-im-kind-scared.html#4 I want to come out I'd say take your time... ask if you have further questions... people will try to support you... You might play a bit with hairstyle and clothing style... sweaters one or two sizes bigger, unisex or womens trousers, etc... what you feel comfortable with... there are threads on clothing... it can be fun... You might for example talk to a gender therapist, a counselor from school or someone from an lgbt center, if that's what you want... saying you want some counseling... I would do things I'm comfortable with, don't feel pressured to do something... its your decision... There is no only one right way to do this. Its your choice what you want to do... You might look for support groups, maybe in your local lgbt center... and build some community on EC, for now you can chat with others via wall messages, after 14 days you can apply for full membership and join the chat and send private messages... http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/164130-other-trans-friends.html (*hug*)
Thank you everyone. Despite everything, have actually decided it's time to go balls to the wall on this. I called a psychaitrist last month and I'm going to the psychiatrist when I go back home. That's how it starts in Sweden. You go to a psychiatrist and say "hey doc, I think I'm trans" to which they respond "oh yeah, let's find out." Hopefully after two sessions they say "you're trans alright. I'll refer you to our specialized trans doctors who'll give you counsel and tips, hair removal, top surgery, bottom surgery, hormone replacement therapy and voice therapy. If all goes right your vagina should be ready in about two years." I don't really have to pay for anything. It's so easy and cheap that I often feel guilty about it when I complain like I did here and sometimes when I'm just speaking to other transgenders. Despite the relative ease of it all this is long, long overdue. Looking back I have always been trans ever since I was a kid where I was always a girl when we played characters and when playing videos games I always played female characters and if anybody pointed it out I'md defend myself with the age old argument "I'm going to stare at an ass for many hours, might as well be a female ass." I said that because I was in denial. Like so many other things. I always saw my obsession with the female gender and the desire to be one of them as a perversion or a flaw. After all, how many movies and shows has "she's a dude" as a punchline? Clearly something is wrong with these people. About a year ago though, I had acceptance and the following year has been confusing and clear both at the same time. I had the number to the psychiatrist since April, but I was too afraid to call because I knew it would lead to conflict with my family, all of whom I love despite everything. But late November it dawned on me that I wouldn't be happy until I did this, not truly. So I made the call and there's no stopping it now, I don't want to. But sometimes I remember my dad and think about what's going to happen. I can't hid this from him like I probably could've if I had just been gay. I can't just say "yeah, I love tits so much I decided to get my own." He's not a bad person, he's just narrow. I'm normally very strong , decisive and determined, but I get moments of weakness and I have, after a year, curbed my desire to deal with everything on my own and realized I could get through those moments of weakness much easier with help and registered here. Maybe I coulds also help others. I apologize for whatever spelling errors. I'm on my phone and much too lazy to fix any spelling errors. But I have high hopes for this community. So far you all seem like a good bunch of people.
I am just so amazingly fucking tired of my dad. He is an angry, bitter and unpleasant old man. Every time he comes home from work he starts shouting at everybody about all the things he is unhappy about and flies of the handle for the smallest things. I havent lived at home for a year and he -still- shouts at me every day accusing me of being lazy and not taking anything seriously. I live in my own house, I have a son whom I'm away from for a month to get my driver's license so I can get a job and I spend basically all my time here cleaning and walking the dog and I'm a fucking house guest this time. What's the point of trying if it doesn't matter in the end? I've grown a spine since I moved and the only thing that keeps me from telling him what I think is the knowledge that I have to be here a month. But I am -this- close to just throwing all my opinions in hs face, packing my bags and walking out. I'm even tempted to tell him I'm trans just to spite him, even though I know it's the worst way to come out. I swear, I'm at my limit. I'm his child and I can definitely shout just as loud as he can.
Here are some resources on coming out: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/156085-i-just-im-kind-scared.html#4 here is a communications strategy: How to Practice Nonviolent Communication: 4 Steps (with Pictures) Its like avoiding personal reproaches, instead stating facts and needs... it may take some practice, though... many people come out in a letter. It would give you the opportunity to sum up your thoughts and feelings. a combination would be a possibility... like a concept, where you could sum up your thoughts and feelings... Its up to you if you want to write about your deep inner emotions, or use the heat of the moment... (*hug*)
See, I always try to act calmly and discuss with him and others, but my dad just.... Doesn't respond to that. If you try he just kinda steamrolls over you. I'm starting to think that aggression and anger is the only way to get through that preposterously thick skull.
If you just need a place to crash for a month, it might be worth waiting until you're out of there. I say might because it depends on whether you have other alternatives; and it depends how bad it is. I wouldn't want my son being exposed to that kind of daily rage, especially if he is old enough to realize what it going on. A month can be an eternity. Can you take you son and go out for the evening, or at least for a couple hours to get away from his raging? maybe go to the library or the mall for a walk? good luck. (&&&)
This just drags you into an atmosphere where only heated emotions are possible. I would refuse to go there. I'd stay calm and say its not appropriate... and it does not change anything. Its kind of a way to avoid discussion. Things do not change if they are shouted at. By the way I saw a video of your country stating its considered inappropriate... things are not black and white. Its sometimes necessary to hear people out and listen to what they have to say. (*hug*)
Luckily, my son is not here. He's still home with his mother. It is inappropriate. Doesn't seem to stop him, though. He always had a short fuse, but it's only in more recent years that he started being angry all day every day. I'm happy I got out when I did because I just couldn't take it anymore and it only took me a day being here to realize why I really wanted to move. My sister still lives at home even though she's a year older and I can not for my life understand why she's still here.
Well it might be expectations... unfulfilled expectations. I would say we're not here to fulfill others expectations. And I'd say its not good for him either. Instead you could have a good time, enjoying what you have. Maybe you could have a bottle of wine (one!) together and really talk about it. Like having a really deep conversation... where in his life he feels his expectations where not met, and that that keeps him from having a good time now. (*hug*)
Actually not a dumb idea. He gets much nicer when he's drunk. That's how I got all my raises in allowance money when I was a kid.
I can totally understand you. I feel the same way with my mother. She is very narror and controling and has old-fashioned believes. She has also always wanted to have a girl and when my brother was born she was so disappointed that she even dressed him as a girl when he was a baby, because she already had a "daughter", who refused to be girly and and wished to be a boy. When I was a teenager she never let me wear or do anything that wasn't considered for girls. She still acts like this. I don't have a father, so she is my only parent. I think you should just act like your father wants you to in front of him while you are living there and when you move you can write him a come out letter of if your mother supports you, tou can tell him when she is there also, so somebody can stand up for you if it doesn't go well.
