I'm new to EC, and was trying to reach out for some advice...

I just recently joined empty closets, and finally decided it was time to reach out to others that could relate to what I am going through. I am 21 year old male, who has recently began to question my gender identity. I have had a history in cross-dressing and until recently, never thought much of it. I remember having interests and impulses to express femininity since the first or second grade, even if it just was something as simple as painting my nails. Although I had these urges, I knew it was "taboo" for me, a young boy, to participate in such activities. On occasion, I can remember wishing that I could be a girl, but I never expressed these feelings verbally.

I broke up with my girlfriend a few months ago, and although she was somewhat supportive of my cross-dressing, I got scared and withdrew from the relationship. Alone, I turned to alcohol and marijuana as a crutch, which I know is not a smart thing to do. I think I was using them to inhibit or suppress some of my true feelings, or as a means of preoccupying my mind from the issues I was trying to sort out. Between stress of the break-up, potentially not graduating college due to my slipping performance, and my ever-demanding work schedule, I did not put any emphasis on exploring the reasons of why I was cross-dressing.

I have since graduated, and have been able to meditate more on how I truly feel about myself, and I know that I am facing some gender identity issues. Although I am a male, I view myself in a feminine manner, and wish I could express my feminine desires more openly without facing backlash.. I am beginning to consider myself transgender, and have since become depressed with my self image and how it relates to how I actually view myself. I guess I am writing this because I know the next step is to talk to my parents about seeking a therapist or the help of some professional, but I am reluctant to do so. I almost feel guilty, and I feel like I have been lying to my family and friends. I am tired of hiding who I really am, and just want to be accepted. Fear of rejection and the thought of pushing those close to me further away because of my problems scares me - I already pushed away my ex-girlfriend out of the fear of rejection.

I have faced serious spouts of depression as a young adult and suicide has crossed my mind on more than one occasion, but I know it is not the answer. Although I never realized it then, I think that they stemmed from gender identity issues.

I'm just ready to make the next step in this journey to discovering who I really am, and was hoping that I could reach out to this community and receive some advice and assistance in moving forward.

Thank you,
aschen

 

Thank you guys for providing some useful information! c: I will definitely take the time to check out the rest of EC, and plan on getting more involved in this community.

I'm going to try to talk to my parents about my internal conflict soon, and will definitely share the experience.. good or bad. But regardless of their initial reaction, its the first step I need to take.