I recently registered to this site because I am in need of some help. Also, this will be pretty long, I'm sorry. I am a 16 year old biological female and about a year ago, I realized (or rather accepted) that I might be transgender/transsexual (i'm not so clear on the difference, sorry), but this really started bothering me and making me crazy maybe three years ago. I kept having fantasies of me being a man and I really felt like a boy sometimes. And at the time, I had known what a sex change was and all that, but it had really freaked me out and I hated the idea of even thinking about having a sex change or transitioning or anything. I didn't know if it was normal to be feeling like a boy or wishing I was born a boy, so I asked my mom if she had ever felt like she wanted to be a man and she said no. That's when I really started to panic. I tried to ignore it, but it would come back into my head. About a year ago, I found out what transgender/transsexual was and thought maybe that's what's been going on. I talked to my friend about it because she is genderfluid and knew a lot of transgender people so I knew that her of all the people in my life would accept me. She is currently the only person who knows all this about me. She calls me by male pronouns and gives me advice on how to pass and all that. The more I talked to her about how I felt, the more I started to realize that I've kind of felt this way before, but never really knew it. When I was little, maybe 7 or 8, i would play with my cousins all the time. And every time we would play characters, I would always want to be a boy character, every single time. My cousin asked me why I always chose to play a boy, and I didn't really have an answer for him. I just felt embarrassed. I don't know if this is a sign of being trans or not.. I've been having severe dysphoria about my height (i'm only 5 ft tall), my chest, my voice, my jawline, and my lack of facial hair. I'll once in a while have bottom dysphoria, but it's never as bad as the others. I have thought a lot about going to gender therapy and possibly going on testosterone. I dress masculine a lot of the time, but not as much as a could because my mom told me she didn't like people thinking I was a boy when I'm with her (i'm not out to her yet). The thought of my curves getting smaller and the possibility of facial hair and a lower voice gets me so damn happy, but I've recently been having second thoughts. I'm thinking that maybe all this time I've been lying to myself about being trans.. What if I don't really want all of this, what if I'm just delusional? Sometimes, my only dysphoria is my height, but does that even count?? When I'm called by female pronouns, I feel uncomfortable, but I'm not even sure I'm okay with male pronouns all of the time either. I feel like I might just be genderqueer or bigender because I do feel a little bit like a girl sometimes (with the feeling of being male still there), but I still might want to transition. I'm just so confused right now. I'm not sure if I'm really trans or genderqueer or if I'm just lying to myself about being trans. I'm also not out to my family yet, so I'm also not sure if I'm just subconsciously repressing this feeling of being trans in fear of coming out, if that makes any sense or if thats even possible? I know I have a lot of time to figure this out for myself, but this is driving me crazy. I'd just like someone's opinion or reassurance. I'm really scared, anxious and confused about all this. Thank you.
These actually sound like a lot of the struggles I had when trying to discover my gender identity... I had feminine and masculine qualities so I didn't feel confident identifying as a trans man. It's perfectly possible that this doubt you're feeling could have to do with fears of coming out/transitioning because it can be really scary, but it could also be something else. I think you should take time to think about your life as both male and female: your social role, your appearance, your lifestyle and how your personality matches up with all that. It can be really confusing, but if you spend enough time day dreaming about those options, it can really help. Do you want to live the rest of your life as a male or female? (when i did this i ended up deciding neither ^-^) I hope this helps at least a little. I feel for what you're going through and wish you good luck <3
Just because you're trans*, it doesn't mean that you have to feel 100% male all day, every day. Things change from time to time, that's what makes us human! After reading your post, I'm pretty convinced that you are trans. It's fine to feel a little female from time to time, and it's perfecty possible that you'd be hiding your feelings in fear of coming out. I know it can be very confusing, just hang in there! It takes time to figure these things out.
You might have a look here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gende...9807-figuring-out-my-gender-identity-s.html#4 I'd say take your time... ask if you have further questions... people will try to support you... you might try to build some community on EC, talking to others via wall messages... and you might think about talking to a gender therapist, someone from an lgbt center or a counselor from school... (*hug*)
