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I think I might be trans?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by rolling orange, Jan 6, 2015.

  1. rolling orange

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    I don't really know what the point of this thread is, I just think i need some help or support or anything. To start, I was assigned female at birth, but since a few years I've known I'm not cis. I try to appear male, although I'm quite effeminate, but still, male.

    About a year ago I started identifying as genderfluid and started using neutral pronouns. Sometimes I had a lot of dysphoria, sometimes less, and sometimes I felt more feminine and sometimes more male. I thought that I couldn't be trans, if I was I would have figured it out years ago and I wouldn't feel feminine on occasion. It felt fine for a while until a couple of months ago when my dysphoria became worse, much worse than ever before, and I became depressed. Right now I feel like I'm at the bottom of a deep sinkhole or something. It feels like whatever I do I can never feel comfortable in my own skin. Sometimes I give in and appear female because I just don't have the energy to fight back. It's fun for a couple of hours because I can pretend to be someone else for a while, but afterwards I feel drained and just want my binder again and wonder what the hell I was thinking.

    Like, everything with my body is just wrong. I'm not supposed to look like this, it doesn't feel right. I hate my hips, my chest and tiny shoulders, basically everything that tell what sex I am. I cringe every time someone calls me "she" and refer to me as a woman because I know I'm not. Being a non-binary dfab doesn't seem enough for me anymore, but when I look at other guys (like, straight cis-guys), I can't relate to them, neither can I relate to cis girls. I think I might still be queer, even if I want to transition. Right now, the thought of transitioning is a really, really scary, but I also really want it. Staying like this and continue being seen as a girl by the whole world doesn't feel like an option because it just makes me unhappy.

    Since I'm not a typical trans guy who has known he's trans since childhood I feel like I'm faking it, and I worry that if I start transitioning I might regret it. Thoughts like "it's just a phase, you'll get over it" comes up in my head all the time. Is this a normal thing, to sometimes be in denial although you know you're trans? And is it normal that your transsexualism doesn't start "showing" until you're older?
     
    #1 rolling orange, Jan 6, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2015
  2. rolling orange

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    oh i forgot, I'll be 21 this spring.
     
  3. Lazuri

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    Knowing you're trans since childhood is usually not the case actually. Judging from the people I've talked to it's more common that you grow up feeling something is wrong, but you don't know why. You might sometimes feel a desire to belong to the opposing gender, but you disregard the thought as improper and don't make a connection. Then suddenly it just clicks. You realize you're trans and that you always were.

    Maybe it just started clicking for you.

    But there are two types of transgenders--though I do not recall the terms--one type that's been trans their whole lives even though it might take a long time to realize, and some that develop it as they grow older.

    I see you live in Sweden like me, so I suggest that you speak to a psychiatrist about this. They can refer you to the specialized teams for transgenders we have here in Sweden. They can help you get through your confusion and help you transition to a point you're comfortable with. You don't have to fully transition, just go to a point that feels right for you. You could go on hormones, maybe even go through top surgery, but leave your lower are as they are. Or not do anything physical at all and just get emotional help. These teams are there for all transgenders, not just those dedicated to a full transition.

    Oh yeah, they offer voice therapy too, which can help immensely and with training can basically be switched on and off.
     
  4. jay777

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    You might have a look here:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/164514-i-dont-know-anymore.html#2


    We are all different, there are no fixed rules.
    Some people knew early, some needed time...

    It probably is not a phase but there might be times when you feel more male and times when you don't.
    Concerning this, you might have a look here:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-gender-identity-expression/149111-am-i-ftm.html#4


    (*hug*)
     
  5. Chriswe

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    Okay, this is my story in short. It might help, I don't know.

    I grew up in a kind of conservative Christian/Mormon household with my mom and my dad. I'm the only child to this day, even though I do have a dog but she hates me... Moving on: I have always known I'm different in some way. If I remember it right I used to think that I was "chosen" for something, I just didn't know for what. So growing up I always tried to prove that I wasn't like everyone else. This has resulted in that I prefer not to do the mainstream things even though it seems fun and I now know what's different about me. Even though I did act just as feminine as my girl friends. Most of the times.

    I was a really stressed out kid. I felt anxious, stressed out etc every day. Again, I had no idea why. Church was a weekly routine for me and I hated it! It felt like the people there was against me in some way - and I had to wear a dress when I went to the Mormon church. I didn't dislike it back then but I do think it made me unconsciously anxious. I'm actually very fascinated by feminine clothing but I can't wear it without feeling fake, like I'm in drag.

    I eventually got depressed. Everyone thought it was because my dad got sick around that time but now I know that wasn't true. Mom took me to doctors, the school consular... I hated that, becuase if you make me do things without me being okay with it; I will hate it.
    It ended up with that I faked getting better and stop staying home from school so often. I think I fooled myself too, at least a little.
    I started getting more deprressed in late 2013 when I started to act ultra feminine to prove that I could be happy living like that. It just got worse until September 2014 when I found out that I'm not a girl. I thought I was genderfluid and went with that for about 3 months until the 1st of January 2015 when I just said to myself "I know I'm lying. I'm actually transgender. Deal with it bro."

    The reason I was doubting this, is becuase the thought of myself as a girl, woman, whatever you want to call it, feels so good. It feels like I could be happy like that. But when I try to be that girl, I feel fake. It isn't me. I'm a guy, no matter if I like it or not. I've thought about if I'm any other genders but no, I feel male.

    So yes. A lot of people realise that they're trans* when they're older than the little transgender kids on YouTube. But that's okay. Better late than ever. :slight_smile:
    And by the way, Swedish power!
     
  6. DelvSeigible

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    I think most of the people here know this topics quite well. Simple summary of previous posts:
    You are transgender if
    1) You have a desire to be the other gender for any numbers of reasons.
    2) You do not mind giving up your current privilege that pertains to your sex.
    3) You feel fake or uncomfortable with your sex.
    4) You feel comfortable with the other other gender's role.
    5) more to come...

    Personally I experience these things growing up, but people, indeed like the previous posts, tend to realize that they are transgender at unpredictable times; some call it fate, but for me its numerics because there is only so much a person can take before they realize their path is incorrect. That is not to say that those bullets above are the only reasons that qualifies you to be transgender. There are many types of trans-men and trans-women. Some are alright with bisexuality and others have a strong preference for either one or neither.

    Being a transgender carry great risks. You are wearing your gender's clothes or are wearing your clothes differently, but people believe you are cross-dressing. You have to take medication or change your physical body. Do not get me wrong I love the idea of being a transgender person as I am one myself, yet the risks must be accepted at some point in time.

    Rights and wrong in sexuality and gender characterization is an opinionated debate.
    -E
     
    #6 DelvSeigible, Jan 6, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2015
  7. rolling orange

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    Think you for all your answers! It's definitely something that's been going on since my teens but i didn't know what it was. Like I tried to be as femme as I could because I wanted to fit in, but I wasn't feeling like a girl, you know.

    I think I'll give it some more time and then try to talk to a therapist. I've read that the transitioning process here is really long and they have a binary view of gender, but I might be wrong.

    Again, thank you so much.
     
  8. Lazuri

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    It's not terribly long and most of the transition length comes from the so called "real life test" where you spend a year adapting your true gender. This is the active part of the transition here in Sweden because while you do this you frequently talk to specialized therapists to figure out your stuff and as the test progresses you might start on hormones or do top surgery after a couple of months. The goal is that at the end of the year you'll be where you wanna be and has figured everything out, so at that point the doctors can start the process to legally switch genders and/or do bottom surgery.

    It's not a perfect system, but Sweden is basically at the top when it comes to transition. It is accessible and pretty much completely free, so you're pretty lucky to be living here. Some people even move here and become citizens to transition.
     
  9. rolling orange

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    That sounds great thank you!
     
  10. wanderinggirl

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    I could have written this. I have no answers for you, just solidarity or something I guess...
     
  11. Chriswe

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    I know this isn't my thread but thank you for sharing that! I thought the proces were much longer here in Sweden... Now I don't feel a need to worry about that as much. :slight_smile:
     
  12. Lazuri

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    It's still a bit long. It's not like in the US where you can take everything about as quick as you want as long as you can pay for the surgeries and hormones and stuff. Although most people take it in the pace they feel comfortable with.

    The somewhat lengthy transition length in Sweden has a point though. Firstly it exists to make sure you really, really want it and cause irreperable damage. It is also there to weed out people that wanna be trans basically for the sake of being trans. Going through the "Real Life Test" is basically something that only somebody who really desires to transition has the patience to do.

    So it's still a bit lengthy, but its length is often overblown. Start as early as you can, even if you are unsure of your gender. That's what the psychiatrists are there for--to help you figure everything out.
     
  13. rolling orange

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    Yeah at first i thought it would be hard with such a lenghty transitioning, but now that I think of it I think it might be good for me, because I need a little time. The hardest part will be to come out tho.
     
  14. Lazuri

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    Well, you're 20 years old, do you live alone?

    If you can start transition without your parents finding out, you can go through part of the process and the doctors can help you come out. I think they even offer therapy sessions where your parents attend so you can come out in pressence of your psychiatrist. Don't quote me on that though, I'm not entirely sure. Though I do know that they help you out with some advice for coming out.

    I'm heading into the process when I get back from Stockholm in January, so if you start now I'll probably get into it just slightly ahead of you and can tell you what you should expect.
     
  15. rolling orange

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    I live alone at the moment. But I'm reconsidering transitioning after reading about all the side effects. I'll have to wait and see, if I want to go through with it. Maybe I could do only the voice training thing. I don't know.
     
  16. Lazuri

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    I can understand that. Generally a FtM transition isn't as clean as a MtF transition so there's more to consider.

    But just the therapy, advice and voice therapy is a good thing. That can do a lot for many people.