So I haven't been on this forum in a little while. I've been going through weird phases. After sort of coming to terms with the idea I might be trans, just around New Years I had a sudden panic/reality check where the idea of transitioning seemed totally unattractive and I was feeling very comfortable in my male body presenting as male. I didn't wear female clothes when I had the opportunity and didn't wish I was female. And the stuff I'd been getting into - sites like this one, talking about trans issues and transitioning - just really scared me and I didn't wanna look at it. I think what sparked it was some harsh realities about transitioning - the idea that it could push away my girlfriend, the costs, my family, etc.... all which would just be natural nervousness. But there's also things than genuinely make me question whether I'm trans or not. Like the idea of growing old. It's gonna happen. And itself it doesn't scare me. I've often joked that I can't wait to grow old, and age into my grumpy personality. But when I picture old me, I picture an old man. That's who I want to be at 70. The idea of being an old woman disgusts me. That would be the reality of transitioning though. I'm happy being a young, attractive girl... but the permanence scares me. So I'm just back to square one in terms of self-identification. I'm just not sure who I am or who I want to be. Do you think I really am trans, and just going through a phase of denial? Or am I a cis guy with a side interest in crossdressing? Or am I genderfluid/non-binary/some other distinction? For the record, I'm back at university now, and arrived to some clothes I ordered online. I'm wearing them now, and liking how I look. But being a woman is about much more than wearing skirts and feeling cute. It's everything, every day, all the realities of life. And I'm not sure I want that.
Well, being trans isn't black and white. You don't specifically have to be male nor female and there's a lot of grey in betwixt. I think you're trans, but not balls to the walls to either side so it becomes more a question of figuring out where on the spectrum you are. Maybe in the meantime you should take it slow. Stick to clothes, maybe get some voice therapy if you'd like, stuff that doesn't force you down a road you might wish you hadn't gone down. Maybe try both personas around other people? Now I don't suggest you put on a dress, go down to the bar and demand everybody calls you Mrs. Happerdasher, but maybe find a friend who is cool about the whole trans scene with whom you can represent both genders without any drama. Maybe you do just like the clothes and that's fine. But you sound a lot like me throughout the years. I'd start thinking about transition and freak out and push it away. Eventually I accepted that if I don't do this now, I am a coward and I will never be happy. At the start I couldn't picture myself as a woman when I was older either. But as time went on, I automatically created a mental image of myself that replaced me everywhere in dreams, thoughts and even when I thought about the future--she isn't me, but she is me. That said, don't try to force anything, that won't end well. I guess the gist of it is that figuring out who you really want to be can take time. To many of us, patience is the most precious thing we have--without it I think we would all go insane.
Well, being trans isn't black and white. You don't specifically have to be male nor female and there's a lot of grey in betwixt. I think you're trans, but not balls to the walls to either side so it becomes more a question of figuring out where on the spectrum you are. Maybe in the meantime you should take it slow. Stick to clothes, maybe get some voice therapy if you'd like, stuff that doesn't force you down a road you might wish you hadn't gone down. Maybe try both personas around other people? Now I don't suggest you put on a dress, go down to the bar and demand everybody calls you Mrs. Happerdasher, but maybe find a friend who is cool about the whole trans scene with whom you can represent both genders without any drama. Maybe you do just like the clothes and that's fine. But you sound a lot like me throughout the years. I'd start thinking about transition and freak out and push it away. Eventually I accepted that if I don't do this now, I am a coward and I will never be happy. At the start I couldn't picture myself as a woman when I was older either. But as time went on, I automatically created a mental image of myself that replaced me everywhere in dreams, thoughts and even when I thought about the future--she isn't me, but she is me. That said, don't try to force anything, that won't end well. I guess the gist of it is that figuring out who you really want to be can take time. To many of us, patience is the most precious thing we have--without it I think we would all go insane.
Well, being trans isn't black and white. You don't specifically have to be male nor female and there's a lot of grey in betwixt. I think you're trans, but not balls to the walls to either side so it becomes more a question of figuring out where on the spectrum you are. Maybe in the meantime you should take it slow. Stick to clothes, maybe get some voice therapy if you'd like, stuff that doesn't force you down a road you might wish you hadn't gone down. Maybe try both personas around other people? Now I don't suggest you put on a dress, go down to the bar and demand everybody calls you Mrs. Happerdasher, but maybe find a friend who is cool about the whole trans scene with whom you can represent both genders without any drama. Maybe you do just like the clothes and that's fine. But you sound a lot like me throughout the years. I'd start thinking about transition and freak out and push it away. Eventually I accepted that if I don't do this now, I am a coward and I will never be happy. At the start I couldn't picture myself as a woman when I was older either. But as time went on, I automatically created a mental image of myself that replaced me everywhere in dreams, thoughts and even when I thought about the future--she isn't me, but she is me. That said, don't try to force anything, that won't end well. I guess the gist of it is that figuring out who you really want to be can take time. To many of us, patience is the most precious thing we have--without it I think we would all go insane.
Well, being trans isn't black and white. You don't specifically have to be male nor female and there's a lot of grey in betwixt. I think you're trans, but not balls to the walls to either side so it becomes more a question of figuring out where on the spectrum you are. Maybe in the meantime you should take it slow. Stick to clothes, maybe get some voice therapy if you'd like, stuff that doesn't force you down a road you might wish you hadn't gone down. Maybe try both personas around other people? Now I don't suggest you put on a dress, go down to the bar and demand everybody calls you Mrs. Happerdasher, but maybe find a friend who is cool about the whole trans scene with whom you can represent both genders without any drama. Maybe you do just like the clothes and that's fine. But you sound a lot like me throughout the years. I'd start thinking about transition and freak out and push it away. Eventually I accepted that if I don't do this now, I am a coward and I will never be happy. At the start I couldn't picture myself as a woman when I was older either. But as time went on, I automatically created a mental image of myself that replaced me everywhere in dreams, thoughts and even when I thought about the future--she isn't me, but she is me. That said, don't try to force anything, that won't end well. I guess the gist of it is that figuring out who you really want to be can take time. To many of us, patience is the most precious thing we have--without it I think we would all go insane. ---------- Post added 9th Jan 2015 at 01:17 AM ---------- I am...Not sure what happened there. I can't even remove any of those gazillion double posts.
Thanks for the words Maybe I do need to just slow down and not force myself into a box too soon. Changing my gender in my sidebar for a start... Yeah, I have a LOT of friends/social groups who are A++ fantastic with gender issues and I know would be very accepting - a lot of them openly trans or nonbinary themselves. But the thing stopping me from being "out" to some of them and experimenting is the fact that I'm in a relationship. I feel like I should tell these things to her before I tell anyone else. I feel like anything else would be betrayal, and I don't want to hurt her. This is another thing that has me doubting. I don't think I will be unhappy not transitioning. I spend most of my time perfectly content. Sometimes I'll put on something smart, like a male shirt or suit or whatever, and I'll feel awesome - like a man, and I wanna drink scotch and speak like batman. But then I can also feel just as awesome in a great dress, but in a very different way. I guess the way to put it is that I am happy as a guy. My trans-ish feelings come from me thought I have that I'd be happier as a girl. But the negative experiences that come with being a trans girl would make me unhappier, so on balance I might actually be less happy as a girl. If this boat isn't sinking, do I really need to jump ship? Haha, forums freak out sometimes, it happens
Hmmm, when you wear women's clothing, is it from a desire to be female or a desire to just wear the clothes? Because if it's the former, I'd peg you as genderfluid and if it's the latter I'd say you just like cross dressing. Keep in mind that having the desire to be female isn't necessarily the same as feeling it would have been easier if they were a girl. I think a lot of cross dressers think it would've been easier because they wouldn't have to deal with the stigma. It's like you say, there's no need to jump from a ship that's not sinking. Unless you see a mermaid, in which case absolutely jump.
