I'm sorry about posting a vent here, but I need to feel like I'm talking to someone or something or else my head will explode. I'm all over the place right now, so sorry if I'm not making any sense. I'm falling into that space where I'm getting anxious again about everything. I'm up all night thinking about anything and everything. Intrusive thoughts are creeping in again, and it's unavoidable. I'll be close to falling asleep, then my brain just starts going off about doctor appointments or money or my computer. Literally, anything and everything will appear in my thoughts and make me incredibly anxious. I'm also slowly going back to where transition is on my mind constantly and how I'm torn at both ends with wanting to get everything done, but at the same time suddenly wanting to stop everything to a grinding halt. Don't get me wrong here. Transition is something I've been wanting for so, so long. But whenever I think about it, I feel like I'm annoying people and I feel guilty. I should be starting T in February, and I feel guilty that I'm going to be another privileged person that has that opportunity. I feel so shitty sometimes because my mind is racing about everything that I need to get done, but get slammed back down to earth with thoughts about how broke I am, and how I, again, end up feeling shitty because someone in my life is doing all they can to get us along and it makes me feel like "nothing will ever be good enough for me". The more I hear those words, the more I hear words from people on different sites who have called me stupid and lazy for not finding or getting a job. I've held a job briefly last year, but ended up jumping ship shortly before my season was over because I nearly had a massive panic attack in front of all my co-workers and spent six hours leading to it fighting back tears and trying not to cause a scene. I want to work, but I can't bear to go through the constant misgendering and fear that something will happen on the job. Even if I get on T, I'm scared about going back to the old job out of fear of what people will say because I was read as female pretty much the whole time and I don't want people to ask questions and have a bigger freak out. When I even think about how surgeries or anything will come about, I think about fundraising and giving back to people, then I feel worthless and pathetic because I'm "asking for a handout". I've always been a person that never liked asking for help for anything, and I'm just beating my self up more and more over something that people would say is stupid because I have an issue with my pride. I just want to get read right and be happy with myself for once. I want to see who I was meant to be, but at the same time, part of me just wants to quit. My fiance is trans as well and has a slew of medical problems, and it kills me inside deeply to know he might not be able to transition with me. I feel like anymore when I talk about something going on with our trip, that I'm just depressing him and pissing him off. I know he's happy for me, but why am I not happy? Why am I no longer excited or pumped about the whole situation? I just feel hollow and numb again. I don't want to talk to my therapist because I don't want her to get worried about me since I've gotten so far and I don't want that to get destroyed on me, especially since I've been spacing out a lot lately and feeling out of myself--and the last thing I want is to be given a dissociation label or get told to see another person for further evaluating. I'm not suicidal or anything, but my demons are royally kicking my ass again. It's happening a few times a week now where they (by they I mean that inner voice everyone has) keeps telling me I'm a fucking moron and worthless piece of shit. Sorry for posting this here again. I'd talk to my fiance about this, but I don't want to stress him out since he hasn't been feeling well and I know if I do, I'll get worked up and lost it again.
(*hug*) Please give yourself a break. We are all different, and some people need to retract from society a bit until they feel they can start again. See it as a caterpillar. You will start evolving into a butterfly. It takes time. Do not compare yourself to other people. Everyone and their situation is different. If you need help, ask. If others help you, be grateful and accept it. I have a feeling everything in life goes around. You might have helped them with hearing them out, etc. If something good happens, keep at it. Keep hoping for the best, and working at it. Just be yourself. We all have fought hard to stand where we are. Accept it if something good comes your way. You deserve it. Keep hoping for better things. - eat regularly and healthy. Avoid high sugar drinks, eat cereals and fruits. (High sugar drinks might give a high and a low later). -do a few exercices daily, in the morning and evening. A few situps, etc. Maybe talking a walk, having fresh air. -if you feel unwell, take a few deep breaths. You might try to come in the moment, look at your hands, for example. -do things you like without exaggeration. Keep yourself motivated, reward yourself (like looking forward to a cup of tea... small things. Enjoy the smell, the taste...). -its a step by step process. Don't overthink, do the next step. Just be there where you should be, it will all turn out fine. Relax, let it happen. Enjoy yourself along the way. All will turn out fine. -do this now, and you will be better able to support your fiance in the future. Just accept and see the best for the two of you. It will turn out fine. There will be ways for both of you. Just go through with it, and you will come to a place eventually where you are more stable. Its like passing through a door. just go through. There will be a good place for both of you behind it. -keep on keeping on. -come to EC and talk about your feelings, open threads, people will support you. You have helped a lot of others with really good comments, by the way. (*hug*)(*hug*)(&&&)
I had a period when this would often occur to me and what helped me was meditation. When your thoughts run rampant, the ability to think about nothing at all is very valuable.
This is a coctail of issues you are dealing with. First comes the pride you spoke about. I'm also too proud to accept anyone's help, but sometimes I just have to... Everybody has to, or do you think that people on top went there all by their own, 'cause they were born oh-so-perfect? ... At times you are going to need help, and other times it's going to be you the knight in shinning armour, you help being money, a kind word, or whatever... Think about the reasons why your fiance is with you. You are giving him something that nobody else can give him. You are in fact giving a lot of yourself to others without realizing it. That inner voice calling you this and that is your main weakness- You are your own best enemy. One of the main issues you are dealing with -well, you and most of us here- is money and to have a good job. Come to think of it, everybody is dealing with it. The reason why you lost your job back then wasn't your fault - You were sick back then, having to deal with issues that others didn't had. And probably you did better than you might think. You told yourself you did an effort not to make a scene. Some of your coworkers would have probably made a scene... Or worse. You shouldn't feel any other than proud, you tried to do your best, and in my opinion, you succeded. I'm way behind you about transitioning, but I hope this helps - Don't look back, look at the end of the road, picture yourself there, look for images of the man you want to be, exercise, go out and take a walk while listening to your favourite music, exercise again, exercise more, sweat that. inner voice out of your system. It's useless, and it's poisoning you, so you need it as much as a kick in the. butt. About the job, you shouldn't let that experience bring you down. It was just an experience, life is full of them, and there is a lot more to come. Perhaps you don't have a job now, but believe me you will get there... And miss the free time you have now. In the meantime, you can try to volunteer, or to make a free course on any subject you like - places like Khan academy or edx, that sort of thing... Keep as busy as possible, and even if you don't have a job, keep a window open so you can see and interact with the world. I hope that our advice helps you a little. You are not on your own.
Thanks everyone. I feel a bit better now. I'm just hoping I don't go off the rails soon, since I've come so far since 2013 with my times in the hospital and my daily cocktails of antidepressants, and I don't want to fall again.
