I'm transmasculine, and I'm dating a girl who identifies (identified) as pansexual. That felt perfect to me. As someone who doesn't pass at all, I know dating straight women would be impossible, but dating lesbians makes me feel invalidated and like they don't see me as male. Her being pan was great because it meant she was attracted to me the way I look now, but I didn't feel invalidated. The thing is, she mentioned to me (via text) tonight that she thinks she might be queer, which I took to mean only interested in women because she is already non-straight. She asked if that was okay, and I said yes, not wanting to make her feel like her questioning her sexuality wasn't alright. But it's really upsetting me. This makes me feel like she only sees me as a girl, and she's only attracted to me because I look like a girl, and that feels like shit. She moved on to talking about other things, and it's been about 20 mins now and I haven't responded because my brain is panicking and I don't know how to deal with her right now. I don't know what to do about this. It makes me really uncomfortable and dysphoric to think that she thinks of me as a girl. I know I should talk to her about this but she's away and I won't see her in person again for another two weeks, and I don't feel very comfortable bringing it up via text. :help:
Feeling like my partner saw me as a guy was something that got in the way of two of my three relationships. My very first relationship was with a woman that usually dated other woman, so I dodged that bullet. It is something that can make intimacy just plain not work, and so you are going to have to bring it up. I think it is fair to say "you understand I need to be a man when we make love, right?". I think she will probably understand and work with you. After all that is what a relationship is all about, two people making each other's lives better. You already showed you care about her needs. I think you are also going to have to take some time and ask some hard questions of yourself as far as how far you want to go with transition. I know that is a hard thing to figure out in advance. I would wait to talk to her about either thing until you know, though. Once you know how much flexibility you absolutely need, you can both make a better decision about how things will work long term. Please don't be afraid if it turns out you two can't be intimate. There is absolutely nothing wrongbwith friends, even "with benefits". I know you two have love. It hurts when you are this close to being able to spend your life with someone, and something like this comes up. But the more real you are with each other, the closer you can be. You might find that your relationship grows stronger even if you don't think you can be together at first. Of course don't be pessimistic either. Odds are you will both work out great. Even better once you both have all your cards on the table. ---------- Post added 12th Jan 2015 at 07:22 PM ---------- I know that stuff is all pretty scary sounding. You don't have to say anything at all till you are ready.
Pansexual A person who is fluid in sexual orientation and/or gender or sex identity. Queer An umbrella term to refer to all LGBTIQ people A political statement, as well as a sexual orientation, which advocates breaking binary thinking and seeing both sexual orientation and gender identity as potentially fluid. A simple label to explain a complex set of sexual behaviors and desires. For example, a person who is attracted to multiple genders may identify as queer. Many older LGBT people feel the word has been hatefully used against them for too long and are reluctant to embrace it. One possibility would be to ask her via skype what she really meant... (*hug*)
Thank you so much for the advice Crisis averted, actually I worked up the nerve to bring it up again, and she clarified what she had meant. Her orientation still lines up well with my gender so we're good I probably should have asked for clarification right off the bat, but I panicked. But it's all worked out well anyway.
I'm in your situation (before it was all cleared up) but we're not dating, it's just my crush. I'm glad yours worked out, though.
