Hey, I'm in my very early twenties and I'm not exactly sure what I am anymore. I grew up thinking I was born girl, resenting it and many other things about myself. Many, MANY other things. Gah. Anyway, I never even thought about what I could do to make me like myself. I had little hints, like the small satisfaction I got as a little kid dressing up in my uncle's old ties, or the haircut I got that made me, when I first looked at it in the mirror, think, "Wow, I look like a boy... and I feel good about it." In ROTC, I envied the boys' uniforms. Later, I cut my hair even shorter, bought a chest binder and male clothes, and I felt fabulous as hell. I loved the ties and buttons and blazers, and I felt just amazing. I still do. I pushed it further, telling people that I WAS a boy, and that I wanted to be called Eric and for people to use he/him pronouns. I wasn't crushing my ribs to be called "ma'am" after all. But I'm worried. What if I'm making a mistake? What if everything comes crashing down on me and I end up looking like a moron? What if this really IS just a phase? I'm scared... And some dancing bananas, to lighten the mood. (!)(!)(!) Yep...
What you're experiencing is one of the most common anxieties that transgenders have so you're definitely not alone. You seem to have been steadily working towards this for most of your life so it's unlikely to be a phase. Is there a reason that you think it might just be a phase or is it an unreasonable fear?
You might have a look here: emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/153143-so-confussed.html#17 and here: emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/159807-figuring-out-my-gender-identity-s.html#4 The link for androgynous people might not be for you... and here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-gender-identity-expression/149111-am-i-ftm.html#4 I'd say take your time... I'd say go with your feeling... if you have a good feeling with clothing and hairstyle choices it should be good... You might also for example talk to a gender therapist or someone from an lgbt center, if that's what you want... saying you want some counseling... You might look for support groups, maybe in your local lgbt center... and build some community on EC, for now you can chat with others via wall messages, after 14 days you can apply for full membership and join the chat and send private messages... http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/164130-other-trans-friends.html (*hug*)
Only go as far as your comfortable, if your worried about regretting transition then don't do anything permanent unless you are sure you want it. I know what that worry is like, I decided to halt my transition before it got to the physical medical part and at the time I felt hopeless about it, like I was stuck hating where I was at but too scared to go any further but now I'm glad I took the time to really examine myself and I'm happy where I'm at now (although its taken years) I don't think I would have regretted transition but I would of felt the whole effort pointless because I don't think it would have changed how I felt about myself and it would just have made life more difficult. Maybe try doing what I did and see if it works for you before deciding wether to transition or not. I found a non judgmental therapist (ideally someone with experience with trans people) and just told her my life story and how I felt and she gave me a lot to think about when she pointed out how I feel could be because of incidents in my childhood, some of which I found to be true when I worked through them and so its helped lessen my dysphoria to a point where I'm comfortable as I am, which is great because the reason I was transitioning was be comfortable with myself. See if something like that works for you and only transition if its what you want to do and you feel sure about it. Good luck
Thanks guys, I feel a little better. I really resent having boobs, but I know if I get rid of them then there's no going back. I really can't see myself missing them, but I'm really worried about how some of my family is gonna react. I mean, I've got some supportive members of my family, but still. I'll try talking to a therapist, then. Is this anxiety normal? I AM a really anxious person.
Anxiety quite often goes hand in hand with being transgenders as the choices you make are major life choices. I don't consider myself an anxious person and I will get anxiety from this quite frequently. It's pretty much the only thing that makes me anxious and is the first thing to have done so in a long time. Well, except for performance anxiety, but I'm not sure it's the same n
