My Doubts

If they stay the same or intensify . Doesn't need to get worse to qualify as "bad enough" I think. In my case it got a lot more intense, almost unbearable, by puberty and then everytime when I was in relationships with cis people.

Jealous of "the male privilege" you mean? This is a tricky one... Specially since you are still young, and your personality is still evolving, you might experience some changes. I'd try to observe how men act (and react), think, talk... At the end this is about "your own person inside", so it's a question that nobody but you should answer. Ask yourself questions like what does it mean to be a man, observe different kinds of men and check if you understand why he reacts like that, if you can identify/understand his reaction and so on... This takes a long time... And to observe a lot of men.

A manageable physical dysphoria can go in hand with a high, almost unbearable social dysphoria. This will also change over time. At the beginning my physical dysphoria was way worse, and one of the main causes of depression and even suicidal thoughts, while social dysphoria was back then just mildly annoying. Nowadays it seems that it's the social dysphoria the worse part, not that the physical dysphoria got any better by the way... But at least I'm not crying when looking at the mirror anymore...
You don't need untolerable dysphoria to "qualify as trans enough". Solution? Consider yourself lucky, but don't forget that you still got a problem, and unless you do something, it's not going to get better. Don't think that flirting with denial is going to help. It's going to get back to you sooner or later.

I don't think that kids are as aware of gender as teenagers and adults. I know that some children will shout at 5 "I'm a boy!!", and it's perfectly valid, but please re-read my first sentence. Don't look back at your childhood, the solution is not there : Look at right now, how do you feel, and try to picture the future, how you will feel living as... Whatever you chose. For the rest of your life. It's a long time.

I had no idea that dreams were that important when trying to figure out your gender... I can't clearly remember seeing myself in my dreams... Or I was rather genderless/androgynous... Your solution seems perfectly valid by the way.

It seems your familiar situation is almost identical with mine. In my experience, when I became financially independent from them I also became more "myself" so to speak. I felt the freedom to be exactly who I was in every way, at least "on the inside" : Accepting my way of thinking, the fact that I can decide pretty quick, etc... I don't know exactly how gender therapy works, but sounds like as if she (or he) is trying to invalidate your masculinity, by putting the focus somewhere else. Or it could be simply that your therapist wants you to take a look there for some reason. Whatever it is, be honest, but also be aware you are there to get somewhere. It should be about how you feel about your own gender, not how to deal with a bad relationship with your mother.

How it is with your gender therapist, do you trust her/him?

There is no hurry to answer all those questions, which by the way are not easy ones, specially the second one. Trouble is that mr. Denial will probably try to confuse you by dwelling too much on those questions, or at least that is what happened to me.

 

I was going to respond to your list but I think it's fairly well covered by Vodkaberat.

I think you should ask your therapist why you aren't talking about your gender issues. You say you trust her to be honest, so just ask. Maybe there's a reason she's working through the other things first. It's important that you're honest with her, not just about stuff outside her office, but inside it too. Tell her you feel that she's avoiding the topic and you're frustrated about it.

 

I waited until I was 21/22 to start transitioning, I didn't even know what to do or where to begin, I just blurted out at my doctor I wanted to see a psych for gender stuff. Looking back on it I don't even realize what made me decide to push the idea, but I did try to bottle it all up and wait it out. Didn't work x3

I was jealous/envious of girls ALL the time. "Wow she looks so pretty! I wish I looked like that!", "Wow look at all the good things girls get, being a boy sucks". It didn't help that I was jealous of my sister, and always felt she had 'girl privilege' in our household. "How come -sister's name- doesn't have to shovel the snow?", "How come she always gets a car ride to school but I walk?", "I didn't do that! (Some sort of mistake, or punishment-worthy action) That was her!".

It really ate me up inside, always being judged for having been born with parts that felt meaningless to me. I'm still human, why am I being punished for being soft and sensitive? I'm not strong, I get scared walking to school that someone will attack me..

It's kinda hard typing this tbh.

I think many who are trans always wrestle with this. We try to Bargain what we have because.... Transitioning sucks. It can be an amazing feeling, but it is one of the hardest things in life a person can ever do. Some can't even do it.
I was somewhat comfortable with my body, I didn't even mind having that 'thing' 'down there'. I viewed it as a tool, nothing more, I only used it if needed, and even forgot it existed otherwise (I've hurt myself at times, forgetting that something is there). But you know what I did/do hate about my lower half? How it /looks/. There shouldn't be anything there... It should be smooth. Why is there this... Mass? That's not right... Somethings not right...

I think as children we're pretty loose. If someone tells a little boy to put on a dress, he might think nothing of it. Same for a little girl having short hair and going wild with typical 'boy' stuff. It's just not as important as growing up in the world and learning the basics of life, there aren't really questions as 'why' or 'what will this mean?' at the time.
Kids just... Do stuff. Growing up I just went with the flow, and if anything male-orientated came my way, I just accepted it.
"I must be a boy because... Mom+Dad said, and they know everything right", it's easy at that age to dismiss underlying feelings.

My gender has flipped in dreams a lot. I'm always happiest when female, and either melancholic or pensive if male. Even today it changes, but I think it tends to be the gender that you present or behave as mostly. I know a lot of transwomen who after transitioning became female in dreams, but were always male before.
I'm sure the opposite is true. It can be kind of.... Unsettling if we feel even at our subconscious level we aren't 100 in sync with our conscious mental image, but sometimes we just dwell on things so much they override how we actually are.

I mean, I love fighter games, and after a long practice session I catch myself trying to do complex arcade stick inputs and character specific moves in my sleep >>

I get along more with my mother, my dad and I are not on good terms. My sister gets along with dad more, but sometimes bares fangs towards mom.
These feelings as I've learned are pretty standard, it's easy to cling to one parent and gender does not really seem to matter. I always looked up to my mom, thought she looked SO cool when rollerblading around town, I wanted to be her little girl rollerblading around with her ^^
I moved out of my parent's house once, and my feelings never changed... I actually had more freedom to express myself. It let me take goofy/fun pictures like this : http://i.imgur.com/cHv5weh.jpg

I mean clinging to one parent's gender might be a small part of it, but I would say it's far from a deciding factor. Though I would say to keep a good presence of mind over it.. Do gender issues stem from any loathing of your assigned gender? For me it does to some degree, but I'd be lying if I thought it /was/ the reason.


Not sure if that helped, but I tried. Being a little jealous isn't always a bad thing, just make sure you understand why you would want to, or will transition.

For me? Pronouns felt incredibly wrong, being called handsome felt hollow, and the notion of being thought of or being mistake for a girl was exciting, liberating, and felt right/good.
I didn't mind my body when by myself so much, but I disliked how I was portrayed. I disliked the male curves, or lack thereof so to speak. It was like looking at a sculpture that had the right idea but was off, it got the essence but missed the details. Unshapely and sloppy in form.
I disliked what males were expected to do vs what females were. It ALWAYS seemed like girls had it better, that being a guy was a punching bag. For anything good males got, I could never see it. Thinking about or comparing gender always came with heartache, and the more I was forced to accept my assigned sex the more I wanted to run.

I kind of starting to lose my drive to type, I'm sorry... Still waking up Dx
There are a ton of reasons, though some small, that added up to my decision. I have a TON of reasons why I transitioned so I just named a few easy ones. There will always be ups and downs, but I suppose if it helps just think of pros and cons, write them down and weigh them.
I had the added benefit of being from a spiritual family, so that placed a heavy weight... But I'm thankful for it now. Gender is a VERY tricky subject, so don't feel invalidated because your peers or professors are or seem skeptical; some just want you to be solid beyond a shadow of doubt in your resolve.

I think I got the jist of it out... Now I'm sleepyyyyy =[
Also I'm like, super bad at expressing through typing so I hope some of it made sense. I'm constantly wrestling with myself, because while I adore my parents, it's pretty hard when they tell you "You'll never pass", or "I'll never accept you as my daughter".
It's soul crushing dude... So you aren't alone in others feeling skeptical or trying to wager your life.
Time to grab some coffeeeeee. Love ja! <3