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*Deep breath* I think I beginning to understand myself, but I'm terrified

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Tardis221B, Jan 15, 2015.

  1. Tardis221B

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    I think. No. I know I'm not female. I've always known that. I've never felt like a girl, but I did stereotypical female things growing up dolls, and stuffed animals... but no I was a weird kid. Never talked, only had one friend, caught bugs without fear, picked rocks out of the ground, and drew. I hated make up. I never felt comfortable in groups of girls and always longed to hang out with the 'feminine' nerdy guys. Thats who I always wanted to be. Thats who I want to be.

    But then there are still days where I sort of like my physical body, and I like bikinis, and wearing dresses, heck even make-up somedays... but I hate being thought of as a girl. My long hair gives me dysphoria, and I have an irrational fear of cutting it short because I know what it will confirm.

    My liking girls has never made me feel "gay", even if I am an avid Swan Queen shipper, I really don't think I'm a lesbian. I can't even feel comfortable thinking of myself with a lesbian, I'd only feel comfortable dating a girl who was bi... and when I think of myself with a guy, its completely gay. Like I can only imagine myself with guy if I'm a guy. Yet I can imagine myself with a girl if I'm either female ore male... it doesn't matter.

    And I was just freaking out when I thought of what my ideal study aboard packed suitcase would look like and it was mens clothing?! Why do have to realize all of this 8 days before I leave. There is nothing i can do. Nothing. I'm non-binary thats for sure, my real gender: maybe its male, maybe its something more androgynous, but I feel like I'm going to have to be in "drag" for the duration of my stay. I'm living with a host family and going over with a group of 9 "other" girls.

    This thought, that I might be trans masculine feels real and clear and terrifying. Its simultaneously the most liberating thought and the most earth shattering realization. I painted an eyeshadow and mascara beard on myself a few hours ago, and for the first time ever I liked my reflection.

    But I'm terrified of cutting my hair, but almost more terrified of keeping it long. I wear it in a pony tail almost 24/7, and if I cut it I don't know if I'm ready to let go of passing "cis" privilege. Nor do I want to put myself at greater risk abroad. Also if i cut my hair what if they find my VISA and passport photos to be unacceptable and they won't let me into the country. And what if I regret cutting my hair. But it feels so fake like a wig, but at times it looks pretty, but am I just attracted to it? I really just don't like how I look. A pony-tail is okay, sometimes I look cute, but with it down I feel like a man with a wig on.

    Also I'm suddenly realizing that I'm maybe, probably, more trans* than I originally thought and now I have to go clothes shopping tomorrow with my mom for France... and I well I can enjoy dressing "girly" I'm feeling suffocated. I can't take it I feel like I'm having to be shoved into a tiny little box.... but I liked my prom dress and my little black dress on me, so I can't be trans masculine, not if I ever like wearing a dress and how I looked in a dress, but I've never felt like I belonged with the girls and I always felt sad and lonely when the guys would leave me out...

    This makes sense, but it scares me shitless. When I told my mom I was bi/lesbian, the very next day, she rhetorically asked me, "but you're not trans are you? I don't think I'd ever be able to accept that." I'm scarred and terrified. I'm going to try to talk more with my best friend (who knows I'm at least agender) via skype before I leave and explain it clearer to him whats tumbling through my head... because I don't know how I'm going to survive 4 months abroad without knowing that at least my best friend has my back. I'm so scared.

    :help:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:lease. Any advice or support would make the world of difference right now. I know I know the answer, I just don't know what to do.
     
    #1 Tardis221B, Jan 15, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2015
  2. Lazuri

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    I know it's scary but if this is something you think is true, you will feel much better if you just accept it. You seem unhappy and that's not how it should be.

    I understand if you don't want to cut your hair. I mean, it takes a long tile for hair to grow, what if you regret it? But there -are- shirt haired wigs too, which a lot of people seem to forget. You might get one and see how you feel with short hair without having to cut yours.

    If you ever wanna talk you're welcome to throw me a message on my profile wall. That goes for everybody else too, not just the OP.
     
  3. Michael

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    I've been there. No, wait, not just there... RIGHT THERE.
    Liberating, scary, high, low, up, down... It's going to feel like an emotional rollercoaster. The good is that it's going to be FUN, the bad is that you are not alone in the world and you need to fight for your right to be who you are... and the ugly is... if I may... the "corpse" you leave behind... and how heavy you think it is... you'll deal with this idea later... Look for advice here, feel free to ask...
    Give yourself enough time to explore, to observe other men... It's REAL, SERIOUS FUN, and it feels just right!... Spend more time outside, go for walks on your own, do all those things you always wanted to do but thought you shouldn't... The door is wide open now...

    To feel free is priceless. It's also your own damned life - there is no turning back, no second chances. Get rid of that hair, wear whatever you want... You still like to wear a dress from time to time? No problem, do it. You played with dolls as a child? So what? I know a huge bear who still goes all soft when talking about his childhood toys, and his fav wasn't a red truck, it was a teddy bear... Men have feelings too, and some cross-dress...
    You'll be ok, don't worry. And don't listen too much to your mom, try to spend more time talking to your dad. And if your best buddy is not there for whatever reason, EC will be, trust me! (*hug*)
     
  4. I'm_Danni_x

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    I feel exactly the same way you do, still figuring myself out even in a transphobic(ish) environment.
     
  5. Riz

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    I know how it is, that you don't really know.. What you are, you want a label, to know you fit in somewhere. It's just so hard when you don't. If you do find that label, or if you just decide to be you, whatever that means. It's alright, you're still you and have always been you.

    Don't try and get stuck on things like you liking "girly" things. Because there's no such things!
    Clothes for example is only pieces of clothing we put on ourselves to keep warm or express ourselves. Some might be considered women's clothing because we most often see women expressing themselves in it. But that doesn't mean it's not for everyone, even men.
    Same with color, toys or whatever. It's just… Things. Not living. Just things without a gender.
    But it you wanna buy "men's" clothing, do so! If it makes you feel good. I have to admit, being born into a women's body, things like dressing different or changing your hair will be taken less noticed than the other way around, even if it's silly.

    As for your hair, I suggest same thing as Lazuri. Try and buy a short wig, that stuff makes you feel/look amazing!
    I cut my hair a few years back and I was so happy with it, but now I want it long again and it takes ages. But I still don't regret cutting it, so try and just think it through. Cutting your hair might seem dramatic to you, but if you worry about people around you home or abroud, no one's gonna care.

    It feels like all this came out in a mess but I so badly wanna help because I recognize it so well.
    Send me a messenge/write on my wall or just answer here, I wanna try and help as much as I can!
     
    #5 Riz, Jan 15, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2015
  6. BradThePug

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    I had this same exact fear when I was coming out. I was scared to cut my hair, yet, it felt totally wrong to have it long. I had some friends finally help me overcome this fear. They took me to get my haircut.

    For now, I would do what makes you feel the best, given your situation. Maybe you could express yourself more masculine somehow? It really comes down to what you are comfortable doing.
     
  7. DoriaN

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    I think we all cling to something about the gender we grew up as, since we were exposed to it and had time to adapt or try it.
    Like most cis males would never wear a dress, or even moreso would be scared/shy to try. It's usually a societal mental block holding them back from even trying something such as clothes or makeup. It doesn't mean someone is not masculine, there was just never a stigma for it being assigned female.

    Usually for guys trying a dress just isn't a pressing enough matter, but I would bet anything some have crossdressed or done something as simple as wear leggings and love how they look/feel.

    Just take things slow, sleep on it, consider your values and perhaps think of how you want your life map to pan out. If you feel like any binary deviation at this moment in time would be hurtful to your daily life, then just keep it up until you feel safer or more comfortable.

    I think most of us get to a point where the pain of clinging to a facade gets overwhelming over having to be true to one's ownself. I wanted to take my issues to my grave, but little did I realize I was making my grave come early..

    It's a complicated feeling fer sure, so like a hard math question it requires more thought, and more work to answer.

    Love ya! <3
     
  8. Tardis221B

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    Re: *Deep breath* I think I'm beginning to understand myself, but I'm terrified

    Thanks everyone for the kind words. I've been thinking about this for a long time now. Almost 6 months, so it really isn't that sudden of a realization. I just had a lot of sudden feelings last night (rather morning) when I was thinking things through and watching trans videos.

    Unlike my sexuality journey, I've done this mostly in my own, without obsessing. Its something I feel deep with in me, in my bones. (No I'm being literal. Today in the car when I thought of my "female body" as male, I felt so happy that even my femur(thigh bone) felt happy....These thoughts feel natural. The questioning isn't forced or obsessive and I don't feel like I'm trying to fit myself into some box; this just feels like me. When talking as a "lesbian" I feel like I'm not being me, I feel fake and like I'm lying... bi/pan felt better because of the gender ambiguity....

    I first wondered if I might be trans back in july, shortly after coming out as gay, I even binded my chest and put on some of my brother's old clothes in secret. But I freaked out and shoved that thought aside... A few weeks later I found myself on photoshop, altering my face, and putting myself into men's clothing and hairstyles and really liked how I looked, but then just thought the idea was silly, and went back to convincing myself that I was gay, making my OCD and depression worse. I like girls, but the label lesbian isn't quite correct. Calling myself a lesbian makes me sad. Its not that I have stigma around the label anymore, its just not right because I'm not a girl.

    And I completely agree with taking things slowly. Thats what I'm doing. Baby steps. I think I'm probably more in the middle of the spectrum, maybe... but that will come with time and the baby steps of simply being okay with myself, regardless of the body that I have. I need to get to know the real me, not someone other people made me to be.

    I don't know if I'd ever transition, I don't even quite need to think about this right now, as I'm not completely male, but all I know is that I hate - despise- being thought of as a women, the suggestion of joining girl scouts growing up (and when people talk about it now) it makes my skin crawl. I feel out of place with the women. And now that I know why, its less awkward, but it feels strange that women still consider me one of them... I know I present very feminine and I even had button nose and doll face, but that doesn't mean I'm female. And I'm ready to be seen as something else, who I am inside. I don't know what is exactly at the moment, but I've always known (even if I didn't have the words) that it wasn't female.
     
    #8 Tardis221B, Jan 15, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2015
  9. Mischief

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    I was scared of cutting my hair off. I have absolutely no regrets, at least now I don't get dysphoria just by making eye contact with myself in a reflection.

    I'm even to the point now that if I wear female clothes, I look and feel like a boy in girls clothing. When I found out that being trans was actually a thing, I finally knew what this weird ass feeling I had was all this time. Though I'd rather not label myself, it's what I must do before I fully transition.

    Best of luck to you. Don't let any of these feelings get you down, I personally went through a period of time where I went in to "hyper-feminine mode" only to take away the burden for my parents and to see if this was really, truly how I was feeling. Message me any time you need, I'm always here. :grin:
     
  10. Tardis221B

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    Thanks @Mischief for your response :slight_smile:

    And now I'm just rambling more... but I think I'm getting a clearer understanding of my gender...

    After further consideration I do really think that I'm agender. I use female pronouns, male would be okay too, but I doubt anyone would do that... But I would rather not people refer to me as girl/lady/daughter/sweetie/cutie/woman(this one particularly bother me) /ma'am /ect.... those make me extremely uncomfortable and dysphoric.

    The two that I am okay with are miss and female, I think I like female just because it sounds more scientific; like sex instead of gender ect... But how I'd love it if someone called me sir, or said I look handsome when wearing a cute outfit. I felt so immensely happy when one night after I first realized I'm not a woman, I dressed up in a black dress and my friend called me a "stud" another person called me the gender neutral "hot" and those two compliments made me so happy and made up for all the other comments that made me dysphoric that evening.

    I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not a woman, I'm just a person. Now I get along better with men, as far a friends go, and feel disappointed that they don't include me on guys nights... but I don't particularly want to be male bodied, at least right now...at least I can't think like that right now... right now I need to focus on being happy about going abroad...
     
    #10 Tardis221B, Jan 16, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2015
  11. Mischief

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    You're exactly right in that last part - it's a journey that you just have to live through for a while now. Take your time, you don't need to know exactly what you are right now.

    Live life well, it can be pretty tough sometimes. :3 (*hug*)
     
  12. LeeAndrews

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    I can completely identify with how you feel and I'm amazed you're as switched on as you are already. I'm still figuring things out for myself at nearly twice your age...I know it might be confusing, but it seems you already know more than you think :slight_smile:
     
  13. wanderinggirl

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    Being abroad is both a blessing and a curse: on the one hand you can explore your identity far from your mom; on the other hand you might have more safety issues.

    I do know someone who was unsure about transitioning for years. Going abroad and having to dress in women's clothing, as well as practicing yoga and meditation regularly, solidified his decision to transition. Think of this as an opportunity.

    As for hair and being abroad: I don't know where you're going, but I was in Europe last summer and a lot of women had short hair. It's different than men's short hair, but if you cut it and you look like a foreigner people might just assume it's an edgy style. Long hair isn't universally an indicator of female gender identity.
     
  14. Tardis221B

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    Thanks again everyone for the responses, your guy's support means a lot to me.

    And to briefly answer questions about abroad, I'm going over to France and living with a host family. And there is a group of 9 girls from my US university coming over together with. So its not quite like I have complete anonymity as I would in say an IES program.

    My mom is now completely accepting of my 'lesbian' identity and its great. And we're actually getting along better than ever, but every time she calls me "girl" or "daughter" I get this sinking feeling of guilt, because I know my whole world is going to crumble around me if I ever come out or decide to transition in anyway. It would crush her, and I'm my 'daddy's little girl' he's the only one I feel comfortable calling me things like sweetie... I just want to burst into tears thinking about it... and when I came out to my mom as gay, the next day the first thing she said was, "Now, you're not trans are you? I don't think I'd ever be able to accept that."

    Also I guess I'm having a hard time letting go of my "lesbian" identity, I can't even go on my tumblr anymore because its just cute lesbian couples and it makes me sad that that can't ever be me because I'm not female.... sometimes I wish my brain matched my body; it'd make life so much easier. I tried so hard to immerse myself in all the lesbian ships and culture, but its just out of reach for me. Its like trying to grab water, and it just keeps slipping out of my hands because its not something you can grab onto its just something you are. And while bi woman feels better, the woman part still feels off..

    I'm really, really debating cutting my hair. On one hand I really want to, but on the other its almost this phobia I have. I get panicky thinking about doing it because I'm certain it will confirm my little suspicions that are growing. I almost just want to wait until the summer when I'll be living up at my University. If I wait until then my best friend will be there too, and I might be able to get him to come with me...

    But I'm also worried that he won't be okay with this, he didn't really understand it when I told him I might be agender, and told me he's not the best person to talk to about these things because he doesn't understand because he's from a small town. I've got people here on EC who are amazing, and one other internet friend, but I just feel so alone in real life...
     
  15. crazycat

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    Coming out as trans is one of the scariest things a person can go through, and I wish you the best of luck. However you can still be a man and like wearing dresses, you can still be a man with long or short hair, you can still be a man wearing make-up and heels, but on the other hand not looking like one or the other can be scary for a lot of people.
     
  16. Tardis221B

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    thank you so much(*hug*) You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I feel like I'm some weirdo for being okay with my body and enjoying presenting female, but internally feeling completely male. Seriously, thank you.