Hello, I posted awhile ago about how I was in the process of getting hormones, and I have an appointment coming up soon to start bloodwork and the mental/physical exam. I have this divide now where I'm kind of freaked out about starting hormones in high school because my school is really conservative and religious, but I'm in my last semester and I wouldn't have to deal with it that long. A lot of teachers already know and are supportive, and I don't really talk to any students so half of them already assume I'm a guy. The reason I want to start them now is I have an extremely hard time doing things even like speaking in public or looking at people's faces because I'm afraid they'll know what I am biologically, and I feel like I'm wasting my life by avoiding all forms of interaction. I even put off college a year because I was afraid to be in a group where I wasn't going to pass as a male, and while I had planned to work, now even that is becoming intimidating because I don't feel like I look my gender and age. I guess what I'm asking is is it normal to feel kind of afraid to start the process, even though you look forward to the results. Like I know it's not the actual changes that scare me, because I always picture myself as an adult male going to college and going on with life- and the thought of being a woman as an adult doesn't even enter my mind, but I'm afraid of the initial starting awkward phase. Sorry for the long post btw, just looking for feedback.
Being afraid is normal, I know even though I'm so excited about starting T in a few weeks, it's a bit scary. Not horrifying, but it can make you feel a certain way. I think it's pretty boss and brave to transition while you're still in school. I wanted to do that, but was too afraid of the "what ifs", now looking back on it with how I know my peers now; it makes me wonder if I would have been happier since everyone either seems to have a "I don't care if you're queer" mentality or are queer friendly in general; even though we're "conservative", with churches all over the place and a "pro life" place not far from where I used to go. I got a feeling you'll be alright
That's exactly how I feel, I don't feel terrified, with which such an extreme change I would think if I wasn't sure I would, but I do just feel apprehensive about the first few months changes; I don't really talk to a lot of people so only a few people know, and I think that's going to be kind of shocking, but again, I think because they don't know me it may be a week's conversation then it will pass over. Thanks for the advice and optimism!
You'll be surprised how many people might be supportive. I had frequent nightmares in high school regarding my identity, and one involved a few classmates jumping me--and one of them in said dream eventually made a coming out video on Youtube saying he was gay. I commented on the video sharing my story, and he messaged me back a few months later and was so cool and chill about everything. We're both surprised (at least I am) by the number of queer people we went to school with, and it made my day so much better. A few other people messaged me either on Facebook or tumblr with messages of positivity and unconditional support and love--something which was shocking to me since I was one of those "floater" kids (those kids who are mostly in the background and don't interact with many outside their circle of friends). One person even got in contact with me because I guess her significant other is trans and is in the transition process. It's really, really cool to have some days where I make a post about my situation or someone making really bigoted comments, and an old friend will ask me who said shit about me and whose ass they got to kick--even if the comment in question wasn't directed at me; even if we haven't spoken in years. Again, so cool. I still to this day wonder how different things would have been had I come out; even if it meant dealing with a few annoying classmates who were quite rude to me for trivial reasons. (I'm thinking about it deeply again as I'm writing this, and realizing that a lot of people were way more laid back than I really remembered) And honestly, the best feeling is just knowing you're alright and hearing someone call you bro or their brother. I think I cried the first time one of my best friends said that and I couldn't stop smiling the whole day. Best of luck to you with everything, little bro. If you need advice on anything, we're here for you (hair ruffles)
First off, congrats on getting to start hormones soon Most endo's will start you on a lower dosage, so this means that the first changes tend to happen slower. So, you can use this as a gauge if this is the right thing for you or not. As time goes on, they will increase dosage and the changes will come more rapidly. Also, I live in a pretty conservative area, and people have been cool with me. I've had some questions, but nothing too bad really. Most people are just misinformed, and they really do not mean any harm. There are always those that will be more rude to you, but you need to do what is best for yourself and not for them.
