So, for YEARS I've entertained the idea of being a male. I remember being thirteen and sat up at all hours on my laptop, researching FtM resources and surgery etc etc. Years later, I'm still entertaining the idea! The problem is, I no longer want to be the manly man with the husky voice and muscles. Like 30% of the time, I want to put on all my makeup, and wear a dress - and I want to grow my hair really long! Recently I've been having a lot of dysphoria with my body. I had my hair cut maybe four months ago, and I've wanted it to go long again since. But the other day, I thought I wanted to cut it super short into a common male cut, but then I remembered the cravings for long hair. I'm so stumped and confused! I've been in a "male mindset" for around ten days now, styling my hair more masculine and wearing men's clothing, and I find it's comforting. So from my research... I think I'm genderfluid. I think. There's nothing I can feel that describes me more! I went to college and did all my makeup and stuff, and that, like wearing men's clothes, felt comforting. But the problem is, I feel a huge amount of dysphoria when I feel much more like a man. Is there a grey area I should know about? My boyfriend has said he won't date me if I had a penis, and I guess that's his choice, so I haven't told him about any of this. I don't know if there's really a queestion here, but I think I just needed help with addressing my dysphoria :bang: I ordered a chest binder a while ago, and it helps with the dysphoria, but whenver I'm with my boyfriend (most the time), I feel like poop. :rolle:
You might have a look here: emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/159807-figuring-out-my-gender-identity-s.html#4 It might be you don't feel male all the time... its natural... and when you feel more male you are dysphoric... You might have a look here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-gender-identity-expression/149111-am-i-ftm.html#4 (*hug*)
I experience something similar, especially regarding hair. On my female or feminine days I'll sometimes want it longer, but on my neutral, masculine, or male days I'll usually want it short. Same with body dysphoria, sometimes I'm fine with my body other days I want a more male or neutral body. In your post it seems like you're asking if this fluctuation in dysphoria invalidates you potentially identifying as genderfluid (forgive me if I'm wrong, this is what it sounds like to me). Personally I don't believe it does. In fact, I feel that my fluctuation in dysphoria validates that I have a fluid identity. Anyway, in the end it's all about you being comfortable. If wearing a chest binder and dressing masculine on a certain day makes you feel comfortable than go for it! Same goes for makeup and feminine clothing. (*hug*) hope this helps!
