I know I'm nonbinary, I just don't know what!

While I completely understand why some people like labels, I personally stay away from them. (OCD doesn't mix well with lots of labels.) Try not to get too caught up in/ concerned with them and just really think about who you are and how you feel. It seems like you already have a pretty good idea of your gender identity and it's wise that you are taking things slowly. There's no rush, more clarity will come with time. (*hug*)

Now if you want a brief synopsis of my story: I'm AFAB, but I'm probably genderqueer/agender/....or maybe ftm....

You said something along the lines of "becoming person" not "becoming a woman" and that really hit home for me. I've felt that so often. I mean sure I can appreciate my curves, honestly my "female" body doesn't bother me too much. Its the reflection of my face that always gets me. It looks hollow and empty and I don't know who I'm looking at. That being said everyone experiences the negative dysphoric feelings differently - if at all.

I love girls, okay fine I'm girl crazy, but the label lesbian never fit... and I spent way too much time trying to make it fit... but it never will because I'm not a girl. Occasionally on good days its okay, and I'll use it; but most times it feels like a lie and makes me dysphoric.

Same goes for people using female descriptors for me like: "girly", "cute", "woman", "sweetie", the list goes on and on. Female pronouns don't bug me, but the female gendered descriptors really set me off. I hate that I'm automatically considered for girls nights and automatically excluded from guys nights. I've always felt uncomfortable with the assumption that I'm female, and I feel so uncomfortable when people try to get me to join all girls groups... I can remember wondering if girls could join boy scouts because "there was no way I'd ever join girl scouts"... To this day if I'm lumped in with the "girls" I feel so uncomfortable, I don't even have words to describe it.

But everyone's story is unique and individual. (I mean I played dress up and barbies and went as a princess on halloween 5 years in a row...) You have to do your best to set aside gender stereotypes think about how you feel, who you see yourself as in the future, and you're already doing that. Things will make more sense with time, just be who you want to be and live the life that makes you happy. I know these things can be scary, but know that you're not alone (*hug*)

 

You might hava a look here:
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/155543-not-female-not-male-but.html#2


(*hug*)

 

These thoughts! I've had them (and still do!) but never really related them to gender identity 'issues' until recently. You seem a bit further along in your quest, so I'm afraid I won't be of much help. Also FAAB, I've never really felt like a girl or a boy, for the most part I was just me - a person - and since I grew up thinking one's biological sex = gender, I never questioned it. But since I've starting thinking and pondering and researching, I've realized that while I don't *hate* my female body, I think it would be nice to have a more androgynous frame and build (I'm kinda curvy and I don't really like it, or having attention called to my breasts).

I'm afraid I've never heard of any of the gender terms you inquired about (though now I have new stuff to research!). But if you're ever in need of a friendly ear or someone to swap research notes with, feel free to message me! Best of luck in solving the puzzle that is you! (*hug*)

 

I'm glad I could help (*hug*)

Yeah, pronouns, oddly enough, they don't bug me. I'm totally fine with she/her... as long as I don't get female descriptors after the pronoun I'm okay. I've never had anyone use male pronouns to describe me (in real life and since I've been accepting of my non-binary gender) so I don't know how those would feel for me yet... but I agree with the keeping the she/her just to avoid confusion and pronouns themselves don't cause me dysphoria, so unless they start causing me problems I don't see why I need to bother.

But do what makes you happy. If the female pronouns cause you discomfort, and the other ones make you feel better, maybe try asking a few trusted friends to start using them around you instead of female pronouns.

 

You're very welcome! I'm with Tardis221B in regards to gender pronouns. And oddly enough, when I replay conversations with friends in my head, I'm hardly ever referred to using pronouns - instead I get referred to by name almost 90% of the time. I find it interesting because it's been that way most my life - even before I started questioning my gender identity. And on the occasions when people don't use my name, they just start talking at me with the expectation I'm listening and paying attention. Granted this has been happening most my life, I've gotten into the habit of listening to conversations just for this scenario.

I've been mistaken as a guy before when at stores, and I'm not bothered by it - I actually get a bit annoyed when people start apologizing even after I've said it's fine. I might try out gender neutral pronouns with some friends sometime in the future, but since I'm still questing I don't think the change is necessary yet.

I definitely prefer to be included in gender neutral to masculine activities - an when my friends are talking about gendered activities or preferences of people in the group, whenever they come to me they always pause, and either include me in the 'boys' activity or just wave their hand and say 'You're just Alyx' and move on. I don't mind it, but it was another indicator to me to start looking into gender identities.

Feel free to message me on my wall if you have more questions, or you can check out my blog for a way more in-depth history and some links if you're curious (A Non-Binary Experience).

 

Thanks for the discussion - it's really interesting to hear people's views. I describe myself as non gender or agender, but it is lacking something because there isn't something I can say I am. I'm still looking for something that I am.

I have short hair and dress pretty androgynously, and at least until I open my mouth (my voice is pretty high pitched), strangers refer to me as male or female. It surprised me the first few times, but I don't really notice anymore. I am really amused by how horrified people seem when they hear my voice and realize I'm not a boy. I don't know what pronouns I prefer, they/them sounds wrong grammatically and I am not open about my gender so I'm not going to tell people to use something new, so I am ok with strangers not being sure. Maybe soon I'll be more out and will change that.

 

I've come out to a couple people, but I consider myself lucky in that regard. The first person I came out to was my best friend, who when I talked to him assumed I had always known I was non-binary. He was really helpful just by letting me vent and ramble about what was going on in my head.

Then I accidentally came out to my parents. I do *not* suggest doing this.

I was writing a blog entry and my folks came home, asked what I was doing. I've never gotten the hang of lying so I kind of mumbled 'writing a blog'. To which they asked 'what's it about', and I tried to deflect it by saying 'stuff' but that didn't last long because the next thing I said was 'gender stuff'. Which then led into a conversation of what was going on in my head and me trying to explain stuff to my folks and sort of succeeding.

If I'd had the choice, I'd have told my dad first - he's a very chill and understanding guy, who only wants me to be happy with whatever I decide to do in my life. His reaction was what I expected, quiet and listening, with few questions.

My mom's a harder one to win over - not that she's judgmental, she also just wants me to be happy, but she's not as open to 'outside-of-normal' stuff. It took a lot of explaining, and luckily I'd been doing a lot of researching, reading, and talking with folks here on EC, so I had a lot of info that I could tell her and a lot of different ways to try and explain it. She had a lot of questions and I tried my best to answer them in a way she'd understand. It's pretty hard for her since she's never questioned identity or gender or sexuality - it might have been easier if I was coming out as trans or gay, since she's familiar with those identities.

The grey middle zone where us non-binary folks reside tends to be really really hard for most to understand, especially those who grew up in a place or time where people who were trans or gay had to stay in the closet in order to have some semblance of 'normalcy' in life.

My blog has a couple good links that might be helpful for you when you decide to discuss your gender with your parents.

Which reminds me, I need to update my blog - silly life, gets in the way of everything

Again, good luck! Hope everything goes well. And if you need anyone to talk to after the fact, you know where to find me (&&&)