Okay I've realized I need some help here, and right now ec is probably the best, if not better. Struggling ever since I joined to be brave enough to sort of come out here on the forum. Nothing personal, just social axiety messing with my head telling me I won't be accepted here, even if I know it's not true. Haven't slept for days and spend my days worrying, sick to my stomach. I really need some kind of.. I don't know, more than this is affecting my baby and I can't allow that. Now how do I take this short? Probably isn't a way. I've always seen myself as a boy more than a man, even since I was small. As soon as I could think for myself I would try and be more like the boys, both with clothing, toys and games. Now when I'm older I realize those things isn't what matters, so I might seem very girly to some. My favorite color being pink, loving cutsey pastel stuff and most of all I'm kind of obsessed with clothing. Street style is my whole world, in my free time and in work (not paid work unfortunately). So I don't really count that as anything having to do with my gender, even if many don't take me as serious because of it. I learned about transexuality very young, when I was 10-11 years old. I saw a program on tv about a transgender woman's transition. So I just thought something along the lines "So that's what I am!" I never even saw me as strange before, I was just me, being a boy but for some reason labeled as a girl. To most of the world I was a tomboy, and had always been. But from that point I worked against a transition rather hard. A few years later I started to ask all non adults (except in school) to call my he and use my preffered male name. Some did, some said it was just a phase, some laughed at me, you know how it is. I dressed and acted like a male for years, to the point when I got looks when going to the women's restroom (too scared to use the men's). But at 15 I got a boyfriend that wasn't so keen of the idea of me being ftm trans, at first I was just myself, dressing, acting. But I started getting awkward since I realize how much he didn't like it, and I really really liked this guy. So I kinda.. Started to play a role, along with me starting highschool where nobody having a clue of me being ftm. Those years was horrible for many reasons. I've played that role for many years now, I'm 21 now. About this time, last year. I came out again to my fiancé (upgraded boyfriend), reminding him that this is really serious. This is who I am and I can't play a role anymore, it's making me so very unhappy, that I couldn't live in a lie. Couple of days went by, started to get worried. Well, what happened is that he. Now she, came out as transgender as well. Ok, no worries! I like girls, I wasn't surprised any way, and promised to do my very best to support her. And I believe I have. Shortly after that I realized I was pregnant, which must been the weirdest experience I've ever gone through because it felt so out of place. I fighted very hard to tuck my feelings of dysphoria away because I couldn't act out as my preffered gender anyway, and it was horrible to think of when my body was more female than ever. Tried to talk to my fiance, hoping to get through it. I didn't get the best of response. She's lesbian, and the thought of being togehter with a man.. Well, you get it. But we still loves eachother. That's why I hid away in the first place. And I tell you it's hard to come out AGAIN! I thought it was so unfair, how come she gets all this help from me and I only got pain back. Because I'm not who she wants me to be. But I didn't have time to think about that with a baby now born, but it was eating me alive. Until I get a text saying that she have thought about it, and is ready to try her best for me to get through this. Because she wants to be with me, and this seems important to me. That was just a few days ago. Since then my head have been full, because for the first time in 6 years I could let myself be who I am again. But I've realized, I don't know anything anymore! I don't even know if I'm transgender, gender fluid or gender neutral, it's all such a mess. I act like some sort of mix of the genders, but from what I've heard mostly male. It's just my hobbies and clothes making me girly. But I'm not to keen of the idea of transitioning anymore. I don't want... Certain parts, I'm not sure if I ever thought of that before, or facial hair. However I want all but that. Promised my fiancé long ago I wouldn't transition, for her sake. I'm planning to keep that promise, I'm pretty sure I don't even want a full transition anymore. I don't think I care about being called she or he, but I've always reacted when someone call me a girl/woman, like it's out of place. I also prefer to be called a mom, but that's probably because of personal issues with my own father, nothing else. Only thing I know is that I've tucked away myself for so many years. So I don't know who I am anymore. And most of all, how do you start over? I've already done this, but now I'm more confused than ever. I feel like I'm not fitting into any label at all. I just wish I could have been born either cis or trans, to make my life easier... Writing this in the middle of the night, trying to get the thoughts out so I can sleep. So I'm sorry if it's somewhat hard to understand.. Also, wall of text. I'm sorry.
She's too afraid to bump this, so I will do it for her. Somebody out there's gotta be able to help her, there's only so much I can help her with.
What you describe is going through a phase in school where you try to fit your gender role. That is quite common, a lot of people even overdo it, then find out its not who they are. You should have quite a good social system in place, so you could get informed about support, concerning you and the baby. You could make use of it. You could read up a few threads and think about what you want. emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/159807-figuring-out-my-gender-identity-s.html#4 You could try out different hair and clothing styles and see how that makes you feel. You could start with second hand clothing, unisex or male clothing. Maybe getting a binder if that would suit you. Just try out different things, it can be really fun. Maybe even roleplay, to let different parts of you out. You could just daydream a bit... not excessively but a bit, giving you a hint of what you would like... you could write it down and try to find the core of it, and think about how to get it... Seeing a therapist could be an option, to help you sort out your feelings. You could just write kind of a journal... what your dreams where in the past, if they still apply... not overindulging in the past, just things you feel still apply... Now concerning your fiance, she could try to accept her male side. I know its kind of difficult because its something she wants to kind of get away from. She probably tries to embrace her female side, and thus might have difficulties in seeing someone else going the other way. But it does not have to be this way. There are still many parts inside of her that are male, and thats how it should be. Its part of who she is. She probably always liked ___ (insert something here) and always will. Its simply part of her and should be embraced. Transitioning is kind of a blending. Some parts might fade, but many parts might stay. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-gender-identity-expression/149111-am-i-ftm.html#4 It could be a great journey where you can learn from each other and support each other. Where she could embrace you as a whole person and you could find different aspects of you you want to embrace. Concerning orientation, some people on hormones, or in transition in general, have said their orientation on the kinsey scale changed towards their other gender. So your fiances orientation possibly might change a bit over time. Many say this is part of embracing who they are. Take your time and think about keeping healthy... maybe some stress relaxation techniques, meditation, a few quiet minutes a day, having a cup of tea and enjoying it... some daily exercises, maybe walking, or a few situps in the morning and evening... and a few minutes of sunlight on the skin daily, this is said to increase mood... there are artificial lamps, or sun studios ( don't overdo it ,a few times a week for a few minutes might be enough... ). But natural sunlight should be best... and a healthy diet, with fruits and vegetables, and cutting on high sugar drinks, which might give a high and a low later. Doing things you like from time to time ( within reason ), maybe something creative... and rewarding yourself... like a cup of tea... (*hug*)
I realize I didn't really ask any specific questions, that this sound more just like a story. Thank you for the wonderful answer, you're probably right about me having to sit down and think everything through. It's not easy to start all over. My fiance actually suggested a transitioning therapist, only that I wouldn't go through with the whole process. But I'm not sure if it's possible to do just parts of it, or if they would even consider me transgender and help me. It doesn't matter to me what gender my fiance wants to express herself as. But I've never heard of people changing orientation after going on hormones before? I used to sit down and take it easy quite often before. But since the little one I must admit I haven't taken care of myself physically or mentally.. I don't really know what I need help with. So I understand it's hard to respond. Only thing I know is that everything is a mess and I don't understand who I am anymore. Or what to do from here on... Everything seems so tricky.
You could sort out your feelings a bit, so you could better articulate them, and then see a therapist... or you could see one right away, to help you through all of this, just as you feel... As said, this is a spectrum. You might find a point where you are comfortable. And it should be possible to change that later. Yes, actually its quite common. Some say a few points on the kinsey scale. You will find many stories and quite a few attempts of explanation, if you look for it. Its important. Especially daily things to keep you at it. Consider it a marathon run. Its important to simply keep on walking. Don't overdo it, be careful with your resreves. You might try a few journals, and tables with advantage/disadvantage of each option. You could make categories, and work on each in parallel. A lot of it is perception. Trust, do your best, keep working on it, and it will turn out fine. Communication is important... keep communicating your needs and feelings... you might have a look here: How to Practice Nonviolent Communication: 4 Steps (with Pictures) It might take some practice in the beginning... Give yourself a few days, and keep working on all that you find important... have hope and trust, keep on keeping on, all will turn out fine eventually. (*hug*)
Okay I figured I'm just gonna continue this thread even if I only had one person replying. I find just reading about others similar thoughts help me so maybe there are more shy people like me. Definitely better today, for the moment anxiety and fear are replaced with butterflies and confusion. I'm starting to understand part of why I had such a hard time in high school, and have decided I need to tell my psychiatric about all this. Because the whole bunch of them I've had the past 5 years are pretty much clueless of most of my problems. It bugs me that not even once they or the endless test questions mentions if I've even felt like my gender doesn't match my mind. The good thing is that feeling of kinda knowing who you are, and that it is alright. Was texting my bestie and was like "omg I'm gonna be a man again" super excited. I hope my new friends that I've made after I stopped being openly transgender will be accepting as well. I've only told a few last year. Now to figure out the details of how and what to do from this point on. I've only decided one thing so far, and that's not playing a role anymore. Everything will and already are very scary and confusing so I'm glad I have this forum to read and maybe ask for help in. If I dare to.
Know that you're not the only one. Others have gone through this, too, and succeeded. I would go with that feeling of happiness. You might read up some other threads. There are further resources here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gende...nformative-threads-links-gender-identity.html You might play a bit with hairstyle and clothing style... sweaters one or two sizes bigger, unisex or mens jeans, etc... what you feel comfortable with... there are threads on clothing for ftm... Take the time you need. You might look up some vids on youtube, if you think that would help you get more comfortable with the thought. Just take it one step at a time. And just look for written material if you feel it would overwhelm you. You might look for support groups, maybe in your local lgbt center... and build some community on EC, for now you can chat with others via wall messages, after 14 days you can apply for full membership and join the chat and send private messages... http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/164130-other-trans-friends.html You might open further threads, and ask further questions here or on other threads. Often other people are helped this way, too, because by answering they might figure themselves better out, too. (*hug*)
I don't have much advice or anything to offer. But you're right it is unfair that your fiance gets to transition and you dont. Tell her that. There are some things worth sacrificing for, so what you decide to do is up to you, but don't live a half life right now and be full of regret later.
You could support each other. There are quite a few transgender couples, transitioning together. Concerning a change in orientation, one explanation might be: people have no need to fulfill or fight their traditional gender role after starting to transition. And orientation could simply mean attraction to traits. If you would start exploring your male side, you might even compliment each other. But one more thing: do it for you too, no matter what you do. The joy you feel makes you attractive, too, by the way. (*hug*)
It's mainly for her I hid away for so long, but I grew tired of it and planned to confront her in a very near future. But she told me that she'll willing to try and help me before that. But both of you are right, of course. I'm that kind of person that put everyone before me but myself, even strangers. So it's hard. I usually help and give until I have nothing left but tears and still try. I'm hoping I can get better at taking care of my life because that's no way to live. Even now, when I'm starting to feel good because I've simply let myself think myself as who I am. I still think I'm being selfish and I'm the one that have to give it all up and "change" And yes I am getting professional help for this but the help is much slower than reality.
