I feel I experience dysphoria in two general ways. The first way is more sad, and often happens when I catch a glimpse of my figure in a reflection somewhere, or when I wake up in the morning after having dreams in which my body was the way it should be. The other way is that I get angry. Like, really angry. This type generally comes from my body "failing" me. Like, I get hit in the chest and it hurts terribly, or I've hit my hip on something, or I've stared in the mirror for too long trying to fix nothing in particular, but everything at the same time. Also, since I'm pre-T, pre everything, the monthly shark week, and every visit to the goddamn bathroom. (My partner has taken to calling it "the room where people who sometimes wear skirts go" and it actually helps in a strange but lovely way.) While the sadness makes me want to curl up into a ball and sulk until my body magically disappears, the feeling I get most often is wanting to tear my own bloody skin off. Rip off all the flaws, and sculpt it until it's all correct. I'm still trying to find a way to force myself to come down from sudden severe dysphoria, but there's been little progress. So, have any of you felt this way? If so, what do you do to get through it?
Yes, yes I do I can't even look in the mirror any more the littlest things make me realize "wow your a guy" and its like i don't belive it I wont belive it, but what can i do about it im already 21...I always get hopeless when I think about it like no matter what I do nothing will change the fact...i hate the doubt the worrying I hate being "trans" sometimes...i just want people to be indifferent to me I don't want to be treated different in a sense..I wish i had more confidence and friend and famliy support
I don't have much advice, but if it helps at all; you're not alone. I just teared up reading your post because that's me. What seems to help some (for at least the body dysphoria) is thinking of the body I have as male and even if it is what society deems female. My logic is my brain is genderless/male so my body is too, and they are wrong in their assumptions. It does help some... but then I get set off as soon as someone refers to me a girl, or a waitress calls me darling, or I see myself with my hair down... It just makes me want to scream and cry at the same time or I just feel empty and life less. My mom making comments to me that some day I'll have her ring or calling me a girl... I just can't... But since I can't do anything right now, what I'm instead focusing on is that these people mean well (in my case they have no clue) so I try not to get too upset. I know who I am and although it sucks to have people not seeing the real me, I try to focus on the positive which is: I know who I am. And it sounds like you know who you are. We're all here for you here on EC and it sounds like you have some supportive people in your life, so even though I know its hard... and somedays it feels damn near impossible try to focus on those positives because that will help some. (*hug*) And remember "Just keep swimming" - quoth Dory; Finding Nemo -----added 8:27PM-------- I just thought of something else (also somehting I need to work on) try not to focus on gender as much... now obviously that's difficult, but if you focus on more on work or music or studies or something that you enjoy and less on the dysphoria then maybe it will help some. I'm going to try this too (*hug*) -----added 8:32PM--------- Also just happened upon this quote when reading Vincent van Gogh's letters to this brother Theo, and I thought it was appilcaple. He's trying to help Theo feel better as he was depressed: "How much I’d like for us to be able to breakfast together or drink a cup of chocolate in my room. Keep well, old chap. Don’t take things that don’t concern you directly too much to heart, and don’t let them weigh upon you too heavily. " - Vincent van Gogh; 19 Sept 1875
I think I understand your feelings. Like, it would be so much more simple if the whole transitioning aspect disappeared. One would simply come to understand their identity and their body and family and friends would shift and accept that fact. On the other hand, there is always hope. If you intend to physically transition, there is a plethora of resources to assist with that. I've seen photos of girls who started their transition looking like lumberjacks that you wouldn't even recognize. If you don't intend to physically transition, your family and friends can definitely support you, if not immediately, eventually. You're not trapped in this position forever, there is always progress to be made. Sorry if this really didn't help at all, but I know how you feel. ---------- Post added 16th Jan 2015 at 10:16 PM ---------- Thank you so so much for all of this. A lot of my body dysphoria as of late has actually come from my dreaming of being a man. Last night, I threw a little bit of a temper tantrum because my body wasn't right, and I couldn't tear myself from the mirror because I wanted to make it right. (I suffer from dermatillomania, as a bit of side-info. Basically, I'm sort of addicted to picking at my skin. It's disgusting, I know. It's another thing that dysphoria makes me sink into. I become so focussed on the skin on my face that needs to be picked at that I forget the rest of my body. At times I go into this awful state where I begin to think if I pick enough maybe all the issues will disappear. It never works out.) Eventually, I decided to force myself to go to bed because I risked doing some serious damage if I stayed up. I dreamed I in a room with lots of mirrors, and I was a man. I was completely naked, and probably not one the most attractive-bodied men, but it was me. I felt so beautiful, so perfect, so at peace. Everything was right. Then I woke up. I know in my dreams that I am always male, unless it's a dream where I am someone else entirely. But this one was different, because in that dream it was an absolute truth. The day before I'd been complaining about how upset mirrors made me and how I when I live on my own I want my mirrors to be easily hidden. But that dream was just so... moving. I know my brain is distinctly male, and it irritates me how heavily gender-constructs influence me. I feel nearly everything will get better when I start T and get top surgery. My genitals at this point don't really bother me so much, so it's not to worry. On the positive side, I will not be in this place forever. I have people who love and support me. It's been a while to get my mother to understand, but she's actually been inputting a lot of effort as of late. I have so much growing to do, so much change to be. It's best to be excited for the future. Some days are simply bad, that's all there is. They'll pass. I will definitely try shifting my focus, I have so many things in my life that deserve the effort I expend moping about gender. Thank you for the quotation, I think I might save that somewhere. Thank you so much! :newcolor:
I'm so glad I could help. And the dreams are so great, yet so terrible. Until recently I just never realized I had a gender in my dreams, and now as I'm becoming more aware of gender, I'm beginning to have dreams where I am more masculine, and waking up can be the most awful feeling. Its awful when your dreams feel more real than reality. But maybe looking for little things in reality that have nothing to do with gender, but that you find amazing, or beautiful, or wonderful might help make reality more manageable. I want to try to get back to working out and start running again, and maybe when outside I'll pay more attention to nature than my body. Maybe we can fight against the dysphoria and depression by immersing ourselves in hobbies and passions. For me thats art, astronomy, and trying to enjoy study abroad without getting too bogged down by gender. We just have to try our best not to get weighed down by our appearance and other's perception of our appearance. We have to try to live our lives the way we want to, even if our bodies aren't quite the way we wish they were yet. That day will come, but that doesn't mean that in the mean time we can't try to enjoy our lives. Even if its hard, and sucks, and somedays feels like nothing will ever be right, maybe if we focus on things we love instead of things we hate, it will make things more bearable. (*hug*)
