This has been really bothering me. Especially in the last few days. I don't know if I'm just a masculine lesbian, or transmasculine or genderfluid or maybe something else? When I was 12 I got my hair cut really short, and I asked people to call me by one of my middle names "Drew". My family basically told me that was ridiculous and they were going to continue calling me by my first name. So I never really mentioned it again. I never stopped wanting to be called by my middle name though. It's a nice slightly more masculine unisex name. I don't think I'm genderfluid really, because I'm pretty consistent. There aren't really days where I want to be "her" and days where I want to be "him". I'm still trying to figure out which I prefer but I know I'm consistently me. From what I've read genderfluid people tend to have days where they just really want to be girly and wear makeup and dresses and high heels and they feel good doing it, but then they also have days where that doesn't feel right and they dress and, well, are a guy on those days. I'm consistent. I wear all men's clothes, aside from pants. And that's just 'cause they don't fit me right. Basically I think I'm transmasculine or at least somewhere closer to the 'dude' part of the spectrum. Maybe somewhere in the middle, though. I don't really like my body. I'm actually going to be getting a couple binders and I'm going to cut my hair short when I get paid. But sometimes I find myself, well, beautiful. I think that's where my confusion resides. I find the female figure very attractive, even my own from time to time. The hair is really starting to bug me though. I'd just take scissors to it myself if I weren't so afraid I'd totally mess it up. But then there's this voice in my head that basically says but what if you're just a manly lady? There's lots of those right? What if you come out (again) and it turns out you were wrong?? (again?). I'm afraid to tell any of my friends any of this. I know they'll be supportive. But I feel like that's kind of the problem, especially if it ends up I am just a masculine girl and I'm just freaking out about nothing. I'll end up feeling stupid. Banana (!)
Its all a process. Take your time. Sometimes its necessary to come out a few times because you have discovered something new, or simply have changed over time. Its perfectly ok. You could read up a few other threads. You could get a binder and maybe change your names and pronouns to see how that makes you feel. Here are a few hints what others do: emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/159807-figuring-out-my-gender-identity-s.html#4 And remember this all is a spectrum. Its up to you where you feel comfortable. I'd say take your time... read up additional information, try out things you think you would like... it can be really fun... (*hug*)
You said you were finding that you were "just you" most of the time. I tell people I'm generfluid (or that's what I would tell them if I was ready to talk about that), but I only use it as an approximation. I fell the same way as you- I'm just me, and that's my gender. If no label fits, don't worry about it. Find an approximation, or make up your own, or don't use one at all. The most important thing is to be who you are and be comfortable with that.
I guess I just feel the need to be one or the other, if only just to make it easier to explain. I guess a lot of people feel like that though. I think I'm going to get my hair cut tomorrow though!
what came first for me when i started figuring out my gender identity was i decided i didn't feel like a guy which is the gender i was assigned at birth. it took me a long time to finally accept it tho because i thought you have to be one or the other. you have to be either a son or a daughter, an actor or an actress, a father or a mother, gay (or lesbian) or straight. it sounds like urban not comfortable with the identity of butch lesbian. do you think those feelings will pass with time or do you think you'll always feel uncomfortable ? ps. i raise you two bananas! (!)(!)(!)
Well that's what i'm afraid of really. I haven't been comfortable in a long time, and I've never felt like a butch lesbian. I'm not butch at all, really. I mean I wear guys clothes but I'm pretty timid. Quiet, and smiley. I'm just afraid that I'm going to come out and tell my friends that I'm not a girl, and they're going to accept that and be so supportive, and then it ~will~ pass and I'll have to go back and tell them "never mind. I am a girl after-all." But I have kind of felt like this a very long time, I've just been pushing it to the back of my head since the beginning. So if it hasn't really 'passed' yet, I shouldn't really worry. Right?
Well, no I mean if your going to worry your going to worry Can't hold back the tide. I have constant doubts and worries. Tbh, they tend to get worse before they get better :/ But when I listen to my emotions I know that I'm finally becoming comfortable with who I am, finally feeling like I don't have to put on an act or live my life according to gender roles that don't describe who I am inside. There is no trans* police. no ones going to be like hey, you can't change your mind, you have to stick to being a trans* person now that you've decided on it, or else we're going to stop being your friends. It's a really hard, incredibly scarey decision to face up to these feelings in yourself. I wish it was easier, but it's not. I'm not an expert and I'm still figuring these things out for myself but in my humble opinion it is better to face up to what you feel on the inside rather than continuing to live a lie because you feel you might be wrong. There really is no wrong or right. Also the community is here for you everyone knows what its like. (&&&) no one thinks your crazy or pretending here.
ugh sorry I feel I was slightly harsh in that post. Really need to re read my stuff before I post it! long story short, doubts are really normal. As is having a non binary gender identity (if that is what you feel you have, don't want to feel I'm saying you do). It doesn't have to be scarey or a big deal. just like being a guy or a girl doesn't have to be scarey or a big deal
It didn't read harsh for me It actually made me feel quite a bit better. I think I am genderqueer. Not entirely sure where on the spectrum but I think I'm going to just say that, if asked. I'm not bothered if people call me 'her' or 'him' or 'he' or 'she'. So I guess.. I'll just be me I actually just got my hair cut and I feel amazing. I stopped in at my work to buy some hair gel and stuff and everyone told me I look great. So I'm on a cloud right now :icon_bigg
i'm happy for you! well done on the haircut. it's such a huge part of our expression. i'm sure you look awesome with short hair! as jay777 said take your time, explore what fits for u and have fun and experiment! if after it all you decideyou do feel like a woman that's cool too i found youtubevvideos by gender non conforming folk really helped me when i was starting out
