Being male online for years - now questioning gender

I need to get this out.

I learned what transgender meant 5 years ago, and began questioning my gender then. I'm in my twenties now, but because of my insecurities - talking about this to family/friends wasn't an option, I ended up ignoring it.

Recently all I can think about again is the thought that I might be trans.

These thoughts consume my entire day, to the point where I lose sleep and think about how much easier not being alive would be. I abuse substances to block out the pain of not feeling like myself, and try to convince myself that I'm not transgender, and that I'm just doing this for attention, or that it's just a phase and that I would look ugly as a man. Sometimes it doesn't work, and I have panic attacks and get lost in my thoughts, which has made it impossible for me to date or meet people.

I have social anxiety, am probably depressed, and when I do hangout with people, often I feel like I'm the "weird friend" or the friend that "no one really cares if they're there or not." It's safe to say that family is the only friends I have anymore. I'm selfish and hate the idea of being alone, yet that's how I choose spend a lot of my time.

I live in a very small, conservative, town where there are no gender therapists, and being anything but hetero-normal would get you into issues. I have reached out to some of the surrounding LGBT groups and have received no luck from there in terms of gender-therapists in my surrounding area, or transfolk who I could talk to.

And this is just the first half...

Growing up I went through many identity phases. I jumped between being tomboy/masculine, to being girly in dresses. It's safe to say I feel myself in masculine clothing, and will not wear female clothing now because of how insecure it makes me feel.

For the most part I've always felt self conscious about my chest, and have tried to hide it with the clothes I wear (hunching shoulders/loose clothing)
Recently I've started binding my chest the best I can.

While I was exploring some of these phases of my life, I became addicted to the Internet and video games, where I started choosing a male video game persona for everything...

Which leads to my next issue...

I am addicted to identifying as male online, and have been doing this for several years of my life, I am confused as to whether I have "tricked" myself into wanting to be a guy because of my addiction, or if I actually truly desire to be a guy. I regularly dream about what my life would be like as a male, and when I do, I feel alleviated, yet hate myself so profusely for "lying" about my gender.

I cannot picture myself ever having a proper relationship with someone as a woman.


Online was where I felt most like myself, where in the real world I was struggling with my identity, presenting as male online made me feel good about myself, before facing reality. I became dependant on being a male on the Internet and it became a serious problem for me, for many years of my life.

I am confused as to whether I am transgender ftm, if this is just a phase, or if I have "tricked" myself into thinking I'm trans because I pretend to be a guy online for years...


I need to get help... I'm scared and feel alone.