Hello everyone, I hope somehow someone can relate to this having gone through this, and help me , although at the same time i dont wish this on anyone... Im 19 years old and I have always known i was gay since around well 11 i guess, but i was always different since i was really young and regardless of the hassle and bullying i got for being gay i always stood tall within myself, yes i was a bit restraint to act fully how i feel comfortable and wasnt fully comfortable being around people who bullied me but of course who would feel comfortable right? well now i feel as if i dont know myself.. as if i am seeing homosexuality through heterosexual eyes whenever someone talks about someone gay they kinda go "oh...ok" and change their attitude, so ive never told my friends face to face, and well i hate that gay people have to be seen differently, also people saying its a choice, and "oh i supports gays" lol "gays" no i have a name! I also dont like all the associations and that all gay men are suppost to have anal sex? it makes me feel sick no offense, i dont know why i feel so awkward now, if i have always had confidence in myself, i think i have depression but i keep pushing myself out of the depressive state, then i feel like everything around isnt real although it is.. I know there is nothing wrong with being gay, but i dont like how its portrait and what makes me feel awkward with myself now i dont know its not as if "woah im gay" lol i knew that years ago, i know that whenever i tried to socialize with people in school that heard rumors i was gay (straight guys) they would seem not only uncomfortable around me but they would stalk on me as if i was a piece of meat, and not in a good way. this made me feel really bad, i mean imagine 4 years of your life having people talk about your sexual orientation as if it was a joke and singling you out..wouldnt you feel tormented? ive gone through crying, wanting to die, feeling angry wanting to punch them all, and now im just ...blank seriously my mind keeps saying "but your gay..." as if its something bad, someone please help. btw seeing a profile on facebook of a lesbian couple, i said to myself, im glad they found each other but i felt a bit sick looking at them, btw yes i come from religious background, but not even 40%, we believe in jesus and thats never been the issue with me, seriously it isnt the issue, i just dont know why i feel homophobic within myself?? (btw: i would NEVER say anything homophobic, if anything id love to have male friends, gay or not but i feel different, like as if i am seeing myself as a mistake and i dont know why?)
as far as the repulsion towards anal sex, just know that not all gay men like anal sex. I do, but there are plenty who never have done it and never will. there are some committed partners who only do handjobs. our sexuality is about a lot more than what specific sex act we prefer. But I can identify with the problem of not accepting myself. I grew up in a time when the attitude was very different, and in fact it was still classified as a mental disorder when I was in high school. So, I didn't date girls but I blamed it on going to an all boys high school. I got involved in Church social groups thinking that would change things, but I just didn't have the interest in really pursuing girls. that followed my into college as well. but I figured that when I had more opportunities to get to meet and know women, it would change. all along, I just kept struggling with sexual attraction toward men, even though I denied that I was gay. So I got married to someone I really didn't even know, basically because it was the first person I could convince to marry me. Don't let that happen to your life, or to someone else's. The fact is, if we are gay, we are gay. Not wanting to accept it won't change it. Eventually, I did, and I am so much happier that I have accepted it OK, so I've been there too. But where does that leave you? Well, my suggestion is that you find a counselor or a therapist to talk to. This is just to important to leave on its own, or to hope will just resolve itself. Love yourself, love yourself as you are. Easier said than done, I know; but the point is that you don't have to work on it by yourself. We're all here for you at EC, and this can be a great help; but it is also good to talk to someone with skin, and that's where a therapist can be a great help. Good luck! (&&&)
