I'll never be a real guy

That is a lot of vinegar you got there.

I'm sorry you feel this way, I really am. I'm feeling much the same thing but on the opposite of the spectrum. Doesn't help that I just had a son and my fiancée did all the things I feel I should have done.

But I realized that there's more to being a woman than just that, just as there's more to being a man than just being biologically born as one. Going through this adversity and transition requires balls and I guarantee you that no cis male you ever meet in your entire life will have ever have done anything half as manly as that.

My point is that I know how you feel and if you wanna talk you can message me any time.

 

It's normal to feel this way some days. But I want you to know, no matter what your chromosomes or your parts, you are a man. If anything, you might be more of a man than cis men. You've had to fight and persist and change yourself in order to be who you are now, you'll have to fight so much harder, and that will just make you that much stronger. I know it doesn't help, I know you will still look at your parts and feel like they're wrong, but you will always be a man. Don't give up. Keep taking your hormones, keep saving for that surgery. You'll be thankful when you have the parts you want, that you deserve, you will no longer feel sick looking at your body parts. You might not have the same penis as other guys, but your partner won't care. It might not get hard on it's own, but that just means no unwanted erections. It might not produce sperm, but that means no unwanted pregnancy.

I'm sorry if none of this helps, I might not be phrasing what I'm trying to say right. Just don't give up I believe in you.

 

I can relate to all of this. To be trans can feel like fighting an endless war. Bodies become a breeding ground for hate. It's a cycle of pain and anger, but we keep fighting. What we hate can always change. Change needs time. You will not be in this place forever. You ARE a man. You are NOT pathetic. You are stronger than most men can comprehend, every day you wake up and go to a war, and every night you go back to bed winning. Still surviving. You've been handed a goddamn mess, and are working your ass off to clean it up. But change needs time, and please give yourself this time. There will come a point in your life where you can take pride in your body, not only because it's what you deserve, but because you MADE it what you deserve.

I'm sorry if my response is messy, this just hits so close to home.

 

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, bad days really suck. And I just looked at that wording and shook my head because their isn't a way to truly describe how terrible it can be on bad days.... but there will be good days too. Remember that.

You know who you are. You know you are a man, even if you are stuck in a XX chromosome body, that doesn't make you any less of a man. If a person wears make-up that doesn't make him less of a man. If a person wears a dress that doesn't make that person less of a man. What makes someone male is how they feel inside.

Something i just heard on youtube video about dysphoria that might help others who have severe body dysphoria, you have to mourn the loss of your cis male body, be that a specific part or the whole thing. There are cis men who are sterile for a multitude of reasons so they go through the grieving process, and some trans guys find it helpful to do so as well.

But it takes so much strength and courage to be trans and survive as trans. Something most people will never understand, but you have the unique opportunity to. To understand society through this lens, to get to know yourself on such a deep level, and after all the ups and downs that you will go through you'll grow as a man in ways you'd never have imagined possible.

To wake up everyday and know who you are despite what society, family, and friends have told you year after year with or without even realizing it, to know who you are despite what even your physical body might say. That its pure strength to fight for who you are every day, to have such a secure and clear understanding of who you are is something no one can ever take away from you. Something that makes you more you, more of a man, than how any physical attribute ever could.

And now I'm going to leave you with two amazing quotes that make me feel better when ever I'm feeling like there's no hope.

"The way I see it, life is a pile of good and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things. But, vice versa. The bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant." - the 11th Doctor.

"Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." - Albus Dumbledore

*bonus HP quote* "We must try not to sink beneath our anguish, but battle on."

 

You know what happened to me last night? I had mexican food with a friend, and the lady greeted us "senioritas". Highlight of my whole damn week, how sad is that?

It sucks. Even if everyone around me sees me as a woman, I can't ever change my past. I still have this damn thing. If I get rid of it, it's not like I can get pregnant. It's always going to be awkward when other women talk about "that time". I still have a voice that slips deep enough to get "sir" when I can handle it least. Everything about me seems to conspire against me and remind me about things just when it sucks the most.

Today, I had mail I needed to drop off and errands to run. Every single time I leave the house, I can leave dressed up like a boy and get "sir" and feel like absolute ass, or I can leave dressed up like a girl and be terrified every second that everyone around me knows, that I messed up my make up and some disgusting hair is showing through, but largely avoid being treated like a guy and feeling disgusting and miserable.

What I can do is just accept that it hurts less to move forward than it does to stay in place and move backward. That's it. I know that's probably less than what you wanted to hear. Let's be real, it would be so awesome if I said like "by the way they figured out how to fix your physical sex perfectly and it's free to trans people so take the day off work tomorrow". I can't.

And I mean worst part of it? I get to be GBF (gay best friend), forever, for both genders. My male friends are having problems? My female friends are having problems? Me to the rescue I guess. I'm not bisexual but apparently I'm close enough. Not that I mind always, just, I mean, really drives home the whole trans thing, makes me feel like I'm not, you know, someone attractive or worthwhile myself, and I get to hear about all the people in their lives that are. Just one person saying I look cute, one day, you know? Just feeling like a normal woman. Too much to ask.

So yeah. When I get out there, and I can get called "senorita", without batting an eyelash, I take that and keep going with it. I think most people really can't understand how rough that is, or even that it is rough. But you and I know. And you know what? If I were capable of being with a guy, hands down, I'd hope it was someone like you. You are handsome as hell

 

Oddish, I do hope that it was just a moment of weakness and you are looking at the problem more reasonably now. And if not get a therapist. Or a better one.

No, you never will be a cis guy. Accept that and move FORWARD.

And no, being one would not make your life a paradise. You are old enough to understand that. It's the same as saying "I will be happy only if I lose weight" or "get rich". Do you feel like all cis people are happy?

There are really ill people who are happy. It's not about who you are, but what you think and if you want to look for positive things in your life.

I was depressed long enough to know how comfortable it can become. And I also know that no one can help you if you don't actively start to help yourself every damn day. By controling your thoughts and looking for positives.

I wonder how your thread made other trans people feel.

 

I understand how you feel, I just wanted to tell you that. Please don't give up, fight. Show the world you are strong in the face of pain, even if you do not feel that way. What you are inside is no concern of other's, they won't know unless you show them. So show them that you ARE male inside, but you don't need to show them you are something else inside your cells. Show the world that you are a man regardless of the ***ed up body that you have to deal with having being given, don't let others make you feel like less of a man just because you never got to take your penis for granted. Cis men take theirs for granted, but you know what it is to lose something central to your very identity, let that fuel you. It makes you a deeper person. Pain can make us stronger. Let it out. Don't fight it, embrace it. Cry, bash your fists against a wall, go away for a while to be alone with yourself, but don't try to ignore it. You can't, so can never make it go away. You might never overcome it, but you may learn to live with it, to live in spite of it, and to find new meaning in the world where you once had only hurt. Your life is not meaningless or hopeless, you are just struggling with anger, self-loathing, and the fear that you will not be able to change what you feel you must. At the end of the day, you are still you, you are important, you are worthy. You need to find supportive people you can meet with to help share the pain, to realize that many men understand the **it you're going through, because they went through it too. You need to find women who don't care about your skin, and care about the man underneath it, not penis-obsessed girls. You need to seek the communities that will bring you happiness, whoever they are, and who will accept you now and always, as a MAN, nothing less. Your life is a war of dysphoria, your gender is a battle, your scars and injuries are many. You are closer to victory every day that you step up as a man to fight. Every day that you behave no less a man. Every day that you know who you are.

You know you are a man, you deserve to stand proud each day with that knowledge, and you are a damned strong man to do so despite how you may feel about your own body. Know that you are worthy, and all else is meaningless.

 

I know how you feel, in a way. I often wish I had of been born with a more normal appearance. I look so unusual, it kind of handicaps me socially, especially with employment. Most days I am 'in denial' of my appearance. I can't really face it, it disappoints me so much that I kind of 'switch off' my emotional reaction to my true form, while looking in the mirror. This lack of self-acceptance is agonizing, actually.

I just wanted to say that our lives unfold as they do, and we learn certain things in the unfolding, that we would not have otherwise learned. Not everyone survives this process. I sincerely hope you can find a way to. The reality is that some of us have a harder daily battle to fight than others. What can make this easier, is to have others around who can give support, listen when you are down, or even just chat with. Although I'm not trans myself, the intensity of your story has seemed to strike a chord in me, and if you ever do need someone to talk to, well I can be a good listener...
Andy.

 

I think you're already a real guy. You don't FEEL like a real guy because you're down. Feeling and being can be two very different things. With that said, feelings do affect people, and should not be underestimated. For example, no matter how many scientific explanations there are for hallucinations, it doesn't make them feel any less real to the person suffering from them. I apologise if it seems I'm implying it's a mental disorder to be trans... that wasn't my intent. It hits close to home.

Just because I'm a trans guy doesn't mean I'm any less male than cis guys. I was born male. I'm my brain. And my brain is male. Okay, the rest of my body didn't comply, and I consider that to be a manufacturing error. We only get one canvas body, so, we have to make the most of it.

Maybe you need more tools for coping with dysphoria. I would imagine that since you've struggled with this for so long, you're probably sick of hearing about common tools such as dialectical behavior therapy and cognitive behaviour therapy. Although it's worth a shot if you haven't tried it yet.

 

Oddish, all I am saying is that you can't change your chromosomes, but you can change the way you see yourself. That's your choice. Right now you are choosing agony and disgust because you are depressed.

Only you can change that. Imagine that you live in a Muslim country. Or that you won't be able to get any treatment in decades because of financial or social reasons.
The fact if you feel disgust every time you take a shower in the next say 30-40 years is your CHOICE.

Yes, you have it hard. Handicaped, poor, abandoned or very sick people have it hard as well.

I am not harsh at you to have fun. I am trying to tell you that unless you keep looking for a way how to accept what you can't change, you will be in that black hole crying that you are not a real man. Right now you sound like you gave up. Take a deep breath and try again because no one is going to save you and whisk you from that hole. You need to do the hard work as well.

You won't be a cis man, but you can be a real and strong man.

Byron has made an incredible progress in the past two or so years and I am really proud of him. You will get there too, I do believe in you.

 

Honestly, the idea of being a "real man" is so inconsistent and subjective, I don't even think it's worth stressing over. Hell, the majority of cis men on this site would be considered "not real men" by some, if only because they have certain attractions, or have engaged in specific acts. It's stupid.

Dysphoria is pretty horrible, and some people have it worse than others, but I'm sure there are other conditions out there just as bad. I won't speculate, because it's not fair to compare them, but I'm sure there are others who have the same thoughts as you, "If only I could have been born without..." or, "I'd give anything to be normal."

Even with your struggles, you've gone a lot further than a lot of people. You have a girlfriend, an education, roof over your head, a support network, access to healthcare... speaking from experience, comparing yourself to others, and focusing on what you don't (already) have will only make the problem worse.

Basically, you could let it destroy you, or fight back. Everyone has weak moments. Some make mistakes, and in a few cases, ones they couldn't take back. You're here reaching out, so I have the feeling you're not ready to give up, which is great! It takes a lot to push past that human will to survive.

PS I think you're more of a man than a lot of cis guys, who wouldn't last a day trying to cope with what you've had to. Give yourself props for coming this far, at least.

 

Oddish, I wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your bravery and guts in sharing your feelings and the reason I think you are brave is because the feelings are so honest and raw and I feel that they come from a place deep within that can be very difficult to confront and face and talk about.

I also wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that I'm sorry that you experience such intense dysphoria and that I empathize.

The fact really is that biologically speaking and in speaking in terms of binaries, we just won't be the same and ultimately, I think that it's necessary to understand and reconcile that to allow ourselves to be who we truly are in our hearts and spirits in the healthiest and whole-est way possible.

It isn't fair, but the dice fell the way that they did and unfortunately, there is no complete re-rolling of the dice for that specific aspect as painful as it can be to have to live with the consequences.

You're not the only one who has had thoughts like this and I was in no way offended at your expressing of thoughts. You're realistic and dealing with a fact that, from a very clinical point of view, has truth, and I can empathize with how upsetting it can be to have these thoughts, know that there is a measure of truth to it, and then have to somehow make peace with it. I can also understand the sentiment and even bitterness related to the thought of having one less major thing in life to worry about and yes, I have fought dark, dark thoughts while trying to reconcile and make peace of my own.

Just because we can't be-be bio/cis doesn't mean we can't work towards becoming more comfortable with our physical selves, though (re: transitioning), and I can empathize with the frustration of not being able to do so, too, because of major roadblocks.

I know it can be really difficult to do, but now is the time to love yourself as hard as you can and as wholly as you can while you are trying to reconcile and make peace with everything that brings you tears.

You are not alone and I really wish with all my heart that you will find your peace and calm and happiness in all of this in your own time and way and that from adversity you discover that you have even more strength than before.

Besides the trans, I live with another lifelong condition and though I have had a lifetime to accept and reconcile certain facts, it's still a struggle at times to make peace and I still sometimes get pangs of jealousy, anger, and bitterness and there are days when it's almost too much and even small things make me cry because it does hurt.

We are, human, though, and all we can do or ask of ourselves is to try and keep trying during these times where we are tried the most.

Not at other people's paces but our own unique paces.

I'm not a fan of quotes, but this one really spoke to me because in the United States, it was Martin Luther King Jr.'s day and he was a civil rights advocate who, I felt, meant what he said and said what he meant.

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

And, excuse me for the crassness of my words, but I personally think you really have the balls to be able to look at an uncomfortable situation like this one and confront it with honest feelings, painful though they may be.

Please take care.

 

I think you should try to accept who you are. You will never be a cis man, but that doesn't mean that you are less of a man. Your body parts do not define who you are and you should never let this make you feel like you're not a real man, because you already are. You are just different, that's all. Sometimes I feel the same way like you and even question myself if there is any point of starting transition, when I will never be a "real" man, but then I just remind myself that I never were and never will be a woman and that there is more to being a man than having a penis and XY chromosomes and that I should never let what society think make me feel down. I try to see myself as something unique and it makes me feel better.

 

You are young. Yes, thats old and cliche', but you are!

Believe it or not, you are having "normal" feelings about yourself. Granted these feelings are more prevalent with you, because you feel you were born the wrong gender, but this is one of the things we all go through when transitioning from child to adult.....which is what you are doing.

We, as humans, go through a physical change when transitioning from child to adult, physically. Most people think that is all it is, but it is not. We also have to transition from child to adult mentally....which most people do not.

You are trying to figure yourself out. This takes time. For some, it might only be a passing thought. For some, this issue might go on for a few days, weeks, or even years. But most people get through it. All you are doing is trying to figure yourself out.
This takes TIME.

This is a world of "instant".....instant TV, instant music, instant transportation, instant photography, instant potatoes............ PEOPLE are not built to be "instant" in any way shape or form. Who we are, and how we operate takes TIME. This is what you need to give yourself...TIME.

Time seems to be a hazard, but you can work through it.

You also need to find someone to talk too about this. A competent adult of some knowledge of your issues.....whether they be professional or not.

You are not the only person on this planet to go through this, and you will not be the last.

Are you in any support groups? They have them online and in person, you might try to find one. Have you talked to any medical counselors, psychologists or anyone of that nature? You might try that route. And although most of these types of medical professionals I find are quacks, you just have be careful and find the one that is right for you. There are many out there and you don't have to settle for just the one you go too, you can go to others, talk to them, see if you feel they could help you to find a way to be happy with you.

Suicide. Who is to say that makes things better? Nobody has ever come back from that and told us "hey, killing myself did make things better".....so how do you know it will?
What about anyone who loves/likes you? Family, friends, pets? How sad are they going to be if you were to do something like that? Suicide is considered selfish, because you are taking the easy way out, instead of trying to understand yourself better.

You need to figure yourself out, before you start making any rash life decisions.
That would be the fair thing to do for yourself, and those who love/like you.

Very few people are born the way they would have wanted to be born. Including myself.

I would suggest you find some professionally managed support groups for this issue. Im sure there are many out there, you just have to find one that you feel will work for you. You can ask your Dr. about them, a psychologist, a counselor, or maybe there is a free phone number or website you can ask questions too, to find some local support groups.

Nobody said life was going to be easy. But you have to give it a chance. You are still transitioning and still young. Time is hard, but thats what you have to do.......give yourself time, and lots of it.

Find someone to talk too........group or person. Talking helps a lot. Who knows, you might find a BFF, or at the very least you will feel that you aren't alone. Which is a big help in itself.

 

Nice and thoughtful post, MisterSparkles.