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Not comfortable expressing my identified gender

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by InLoveWithRed, Jan 20, 2015.

  1. I came out as queer about 7 months ago. I have known that I was since I was 12. (I'm 21 now). Since I came out, I have started wearing men's shirts, ties, suspenders, shoes, bow ties, jackets, etc and I have felt very comfortable doing so. I am a woman and I identify my gender as such, but I do not feel comfortable expressing my femininity anymore. I feel generally awkward in dresses, where before I came out I felt great in dresses. It's like my outward expression did a 180 once I came out. (There were spurts of masculine expression in my attire before I came out, but they were pretty mild in comparison. Although, I did cosplay for a time and I only ever cosplayed as male characters.)

    It's getting to the point where I am having near constant anxiety about needing to feel more androgynous. I have this ticking desire to cut my hair into a pixie cut, and today I seriously thought about starting to bind my breasts. I want to build muscle tone in my body so I look stronger. I sit in masculine positions. I have very feminine hips, but over the past few years I have started to really dislike them. Despite these changes and feelings, I still desire to wear make-up and I feel good wearing it.

    I don't know how to understand my gender if I identify as female, yet strive to appear masculine. It's like half of me is female and half of me is male. I'm concerned about my feelings of my expressions being temporary, despite me feeling very comfortable dressing in drag. I'm worried about what my family and friends will think of me if I become more androgynous.

    Anyone go through this and can help me understand what is happening?
     
  2. jay777

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Its all a process.
    Take your time.

    Sometimes people come out a few times because they have discovered something new, or simply have changed over time. Its perfectly ok.

    You might have a look here:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/163050-adrogyne-adrogynous.html#2
    and here:
    emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/164048-how-find-other-androgynous-people.html#6

    And remember this all is a spectrum. Its up to you where you feel comfortable...
    and its up to you if you even want to pick a label...

    I'd say take your time... read up additional information, try out things you think you would like... it can be really fun...


    (*hug*)
     
    #2 jay777, Jan 20, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2015
  3. kai397

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Gig Harbor
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    its gonna take time but in the end its gonna be worth the wait
     
  4. crazycat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    New Jersey
    Out Status:
    A few people
    You might be androgyne or agender. I would look into it.
     
  5. Just Jess

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2013
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    Location:
    Denver
    Sometimes it's hard to tell whose "turf" is whose. What's the difference between being butch and FTM? Between an effeminate gay guy, and a straight trans woman? I new a man once who was impossibly feminine. Had a body I would kill for. And had a boyfriend. Does drag, and prefers "she" when en femme. But definitely a "he" the rest of the time. And you come to someone like me, and it's like, what is the difference? Other than who we're capable of loving of course. Should either he or I change what we call ourselves? How exactly does this work? And then of course there's people that say they aren't either guys or girls, what's their deal?

    The reality, is that we're all complicated human beings. In reality, his boyfriend would probably be really disappointed if he were to become a woman the way I am becoming one. In reality, anyone I form a close relationship with, has to be someone that doesn't see me as a guy for it to work long term. But we both enjoy being women. He has some genetic advantages over me. The fact that he's more passable and attractive doesn't make me less of a woman, or him more of one. Those people that aren't men or women, all or even some of the time? There's probably some practical difference between us that makes them feel that way. They need different things.

    There's room for all of us. There's room for butch women, and there's room for FtM people.

    What I think we the queer community have the biggest problem with, is making room for people that say they're one thing, and then we learn more about ourselves, and say we're something else. I think we still have some ways to go before everyone is going to be okay with that, because some of us, we went through a lot of crap when we came out. And some of that crap meant explaining to our husbands or wives that this was for a fact not going to work out. And now these other people are saying "well, it turns out I can like guys or girls after all". "Transition wasn't right for me". We invest a lot just giving ourselves the freedom we needed, and as soon as we start to explore, we change.

    But there's room for that too. There's room for people that aren't boys or girls all the time.

    What's right for my gay male friend, is not right for me, and what's right for me, isn't right for him. What's right for you isn't right for anyone else in the world. So I think you are doing the right thing, figuring yourself out. Once you know roughly who you are, what doesn't seem like it will change, you can start working with that. If being a woman that's really masculine works for you? Keep doing that.

    The thing is, you will be misunderstood. That's a hell of a thing to get used to. I have to get used to it. Because while my gay friend might understand me a little, and I him, other people are going to lump us right together. I have absolutely no problems with people calling me gay; in a way they're right anyway :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: But it does kind of suck that they see me as a man. It kind of sucks that they see bi friends of mine as being "gay" or "straight" depending on what kind of relationship they're in at the time. You can't really help how other people see you. It screws with your head, whenever what you say you are doesn't match what they say you are, you feel like you are full of crap.

    But if who you say you are comes from what you learn about yourself, comes from a real place, what you need. If you are just being real. That will trump everyone else's misunderstanding. That's all you need to do really, I have found. Just be you. It takes practice. But the more you do it the easier it gets. If who you are changes, who you say you are changes. If other people think one thing about you, they can just go on thinking it. It doesn't affect you.

    Just my $0.02 . It sounds like whatever you decide you are an awesome person who is brave enough to figure it all out :slight_smile: