Isolation. I've never really felt this until now. My best friend doesn't seem to be accepting of my trans identity nor is he understanding of it... I know things take time, but I really need his support right now. I told him I'm agender on the 5th of Dec, he was cool with it, a little insensitive/uncomfortable but he's straight and from a small town, so I corrected him and explained a bit. But then a few days ago when I was venting about how uncomfortable and tired I am of being thought of as a girl, he told me, "you should be happy you're a girl, besides the whole monthly bloodletting thing." That was the first stab in the heart. Not to mention major dysphoria trigger... But I collected myself, and I assumed he had forgotten I came out amongst the stress of finals and the current struggles he has in his own life, so I wrote him a 3 page long letter explaining that I'm not a girl, what gender is, how I know, what dysphoria is and what it feels like, and why I hope that I still have his support and friendship through my journey of figuring out my gender identity. That was sent sunday night. He read it/saw it monday morning. Still no response. Well, he did text me a joke about a truck and a cat, but no comment on my letter... And today I texted him about an unrelated funny thing, he said something about a guy "not being as cute as me." And I know cute can be used for either gender, but the way he used it implied that he still sees me as female. Did he not read the letter? I really hope he just hasn't gotten around to reading it, because I need a supportive friend more than ever right now. I can't come out to my family... my mother has flat out told me she wouldn't be accepting of me being trans... and my dad, it would break his heart. He also acts like he knows everything about trans people because he's a doctor... A few days ago I was talking with him about LGBT+ issues and boy scouts, and he then mentioned girl scouts being more open... and I couldn't help myself from reminding him that I'd never want to join, and then I asked if BSA is accepting of transgender people..... he then acted in a very strange way... he started talking about HRT, and the way he described the "side" effects (he was describing the effects) made it seem like he was trying to warn me away from illegal drugs or cigarettes.... ??? Dad I know, and other trans people know that hormones will change their voice. They often want their voice to change, and thats one of the many reasons why transgender people take hormones..... It made me feel so uncomfortable listening to him talk. No, this wasn't a conversation. It was this strange feeling of a power dynamic where he's both my dad and a doctor, yet I'm a (closeted) trans individual who knows that a lot of what he's saying is misinformation... He seemed fine with trans people, but I don't think he'd be okay with me being trans... I've never had to worry about my dad being accepting or not towards me before. And the fact that I don't have my best friends support right now, it breaks my heart. And I'm so emotionally drained from being vulnerably myself to him and constantly getting kicked to the curb. I don't know whats going to happen if I lose everyone I care about because of who I am.
I am afraid that one of the hardest part of becoming an adult is to accept that we are on our own. It happened to me when I was much older than you, but it hurt just the same. It doesn't matter if it is a trans issue or something else. I remember reading a question once: if you look at a photo of many people, who do you look for first? It would be you, wouldn't it? And the others do the same. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Don't hold it against your friend. Maybe they don' understand, don't accept it or the thought that it can happen to somebody is making them uncomfortable. Try to not become mad or bitter and look for someone who wouldn't mind to talk about it. (((hug)))
There are different kinds of changes in life. One of the hardest is transitioning from child to adult......physically and mentally. For some, this takes only a day or two....for others, it could take months, years, or a lifetime. Adding into this, a mix of gender issues, just makes it a bit more confusing. This goes for the people around you and in your life as well. Some changes are "normal", some are obvious, and some are not, and then there are radical changes. People are taught to fight radical changes, its what is in the "system" of growing up. Some of the people around us cannot change, and refuse change, simply because they have created a little bubble world all of their very own. The refuse to see whats happening right in front of them, as they refuse to see what is happening on the rest of the planet. Modern humans (for the most part) have become uncaring, unfeeling, and stupid creatures. Creating our own little fantasy worlds to live in, in our own little comfort zones, in our own little bubbles. Anything outside of these bubbles is a threat to our own stupidity and lethargy. No, this is not all people, but this is the standard for the general population now. And you can thank technology for helping create this world of modern humans. Back to the point.... Changes scare people. Whether they are inconsequential to being or life altering, it is a change never the less. No offense to your friend, but in my experiences so far on this planet, the most ignorant people are the ones who have problems with change. The more ignorant they are, the more they fight it, the more they expand the area of their bubble. Some people just need time to grasp the concept of a new thing. Others will fight it every step of the way, including ignoring the situation altogether. You need to realize these are not the only people in the world. There are billions more people out there. Who you know and have in your life, is not even a fraction of a fraction, of a fraction, of a fraction.........of the people you can meet in your lifetime. You will have to start adjusting the way YOU see things and handle things. You may have to give up a lot, to be the person you are, and be happy. A lot of people who have gender issues end up having to disown their families and friends, in order to be who they are...and make new friends and a family of their own. Yes, some people with gender issues DO have supportive families and friends, but from everything I have seen and heard over the years, this is not common. You can give your family and friends all the time in the world to hopefully adjust to who you really are.......but never plan on it being a solid thing. You also need to plan strategies for yourself and your life. Make new friends, meet new people. Figure out a plan for a life, so you aren't just "out in the cold" when you get out into the world. Knowing you and who you are, without question, without hesitation, will be the best weapon you can have for helping yourself. And as I tell everyone with issues such as this......... Just because you were born into a group of people, does not make them your family. If you practice being a good, decent, honest human being, then decent people are not going to have a problem accepting you.......regardless of male or female, or both. Life is stressful enough without having to deal with ignorant people who don't care enough about you to even listen to what you have to say. Create your own life, your own family. Hell, my family consists of 3 best friends who I have known for many years. The only thing you can do is give your friend and family time to figure things out. The amount of time they need is given by you. If you feel that they just flat out refuse to even be adult about the situation, then you should start working on your new life away from them. Never depend on others to make you happy, they will always let you down. You have to make your own happiness.
You could do a few things to meet others. You might build some community on EC, for now you can chat with others via wall messages... http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/164130-other-trans-friends.html and simply keep posting... you could apply for full membership and join the chat and send private messages... you could have a look at lgbt centers, there could be support groups there... You might for example talk to a gender therapist, a counselor from school or someone from an lgbt center, if that's what you want... saying even at home you want some counseling... is there a gsa at your school ? There are even helplines: GLBT National Help Center Take your time... Concerning your dad, he is simply not up to date when it comes to informations on transgender people. Many people now say being tg is biological. Theory has it it has to do with brain development before birth. So its neither your nor their fault. Medically he might be. But he should also take into consideration that taking hormones might relief people of depression. Here are some resources: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/165604-coming-out-all-over-again.html#2 Some people come out in a letter. In this case you might consider posting a draft here, asking for peoples opinions. You will not lose everyone. Its sometimes hard to say how people react. But they may surprise you on the positive end. Chances are if people are well meaning, and caring, they might come around. Its sometimes simply preconceived ideas, which is slowly changing now, for example due to a different image in the media. There are quite a few portrays now showing tg people as they are. (*hug*)
